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Sunday, November 29, 2009
Yesterday was indeed the first anniversary of Daniel's passing. It was somehow anti-climactic. We live with your physical presence, and my Dad's, being gone from here each day, not just yesterday. This Fall has also been colder than last years at this time, and farther advanced in terms of the leaves being absent from the trees. I think I viscerally grieved much more about three weeks ago when the farm looked as it did the day the helicopter arrived to try to help.
We spent the day all at home, cleaning and getting ready for holidays (no decorations just yet). We are finishing up some projects, and so Adam and I spent some time in Lowe's.
People have been kind. This week, close friends sent a jewellry commemorative of Daniel's passing, which was lovely. We received cards from others, e-mails from others remembering him, and what the day meant. We also received a lovely phone call via cellular to my son from the minister who precided at Daniel's "Celebration of Life". He seemed more somber than I. I don't think people realize that I am together because I deal with this loss from Earth every moment of every day. I cry a bit, every day. I remember Daniel, things he said, things he did, every day, and there is much to remember.
Last night I did not sleep well. Daniel's cat, Tosh, snores. Between my allergy to Tosh, and Tosh's noisy breathing, I tossed and turned. I finally got up, checked e-mail, and went back to sleep around 5 am and had this dream.
I was back a year and a day ago, and Daniel was lying in the bathroom as he was, in one of the shirts I had bought him at the same time I bought him the one he died in, but it was clearly not the same shirt. Daniel was in a different position in the bathroom as I administered CPR. After about 5 minutes of CPR, he woke up, sat up and walked away.
I am ambidextrous and have always found it easy to place IVs and things in people from either side of the bed. However, I have wondered, if Daniel's position in the bathroom, where I administered CPR predominantly left hand down first, resulted in less effective CPR. In the dream last night, I was able to do it right handed predominantly, and it was easier for me. As Daniel walked away, I got the message, "Now you have the memory of having done CPR comfortably and successfully on me. I was gone, when you started. There were no changes you could have made that could have kept me with you, that day. I had torsade-de-pointes, and I could not come back to you. I had to go, but I will be with you always". He walked away barefoot with those beautiful feet I love so much.
This morning, other than the sneezing from having Dan's cat sleep next to us, I am feeling alright. After all, precious, direct and brilliant Daniel, has visited me.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
So this morning, my beautiful youngest son, we come full circle. This was the day, in which, one year ago, you joyously came into our bedroom one morning, spoke to us with happiness and excitement, ate a few mouthfuls of cornflakes, and then passed away on entering the main bathroom.
We try very hard to understand that this began a life for you in Heaven, and sometimes we actually accept all of this, and other times, we only see the gaping hole your departure from our lives has meant.
If you are who rang the doorbell here at the farm in the middle of nowhere very early this morning, then I thank you. We are handling your loss as well as we can, and we hope that our trying to cope pleases God, and you as well. We love you very much, wider than the oceans and deeper than the seas.
Friday, November 27, 2009
In some ways God has been kind. You passed the day after Thanksgiving a year ago, after coming in and speaking to us about the Christmas shopping which was to take place that day, and about what a wonderful Thanksgiving we had. Since this year, this is the day after Thanksgiving, then in a sense, this is the day you departed for Heaven. However, since Thanksgiving shifts a little each year and is the last Thursday of the month, it isn't the date you left. (The date your left via calendar would be tomorrow) It's as if God has spread out your leaving over this week, so that there is no magical moment where we feel the departure so acutely that we may wish to find the thinnest point in the veil between us, and go with you.
It is however, the first "Black Friday" since your passing, and you did indeed depart on "Black Friday". To me of course, this commercialized demi-holiday will always be something terrible and sad. It's odd to see the television rejoicing in "Black Friday" when it's such a dark day for us, and in a sense, it never was a special day for us. It has always been a dangerous day to drive, and so we tended to avoid travel on this day, including shopping, although we had planned to shop on it last year.
Black Friday symbolizes to me the worst of the Christmas holiday. The commercialism, rush, shove, and most of all the loss in America of what Christmas is about. It is "goodwill toward men", and not "Come one, come all, lowest season prices".
Thankyou for the dream this week. This week, I had a dream with Daniel. He was about five in the dream and it was a present date, and we both knew that he was really much older, but we knew that he was appearing this way to give me a message. He was lying in the bed in the room in which his sister normally occupies. The room was sunny and filled with light. The window was open and unlike our home, there were orange and lemon trees and other fruits growing outside the window. One could reach out and pick fruit. There was also a trench like a creek nearby allowing water to flow to the fruit. I came to tuck in Daniel. When I pulled back the sheet, there were tons of little toys and child's playing cards, Pokemon etc. around him in the bed. I told him he could not sleep with all of these, and so I took the time to take them out, place them on a table in the room and cover him with the sheet, despite all the bright light. I told him I love him and he told me the same. As I went to leave, he told me," Don't be sad at Thanksgiving. Don't think that I left at Thanksgiving. Think of Easter, think resurrection. I started life in Heaven at Thanksgiving." With that, I smiled and turned and left the room. When I awoke, I did not feel sad. I felt grateful for the message and as if I had seen Daniel recently.
I send love to both Daniel and Papa L. Holiday wishes to you all.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
In seven short days we will find ourselves sitting on the shocking day, one year ago, when you joyously came into our bedroom one morning, the day after Thanksgiving, asking about Christmas shopping, and excited about the Christmas season. Then, you ate a few cornflakes, walked into the bathroom, and passed to spirit. In some ways it feels like five years ago, as so many things have happened since then, and the world around us has changed so much. Obama had been elected, but was not president when you passed. Other times, it feels as if it was a month ago, with the hurt and smart so fresh and the loss so large.
It has been a help to know that my Dad, your Papa L., is with you and that the two of you have each other when you need one another. I also know that you are individuals and each of you have your own paths and your own work now that you are there.
Of course, I don't feel much like Thanksgiving and the hurt is still fresh, but not to celebrate the holidays we enjoyed when we were so fortunate to have both of you with us, does not honor you or God as we should. Somehow, we will have the Thanksgiving we would have had, had you and Papa L. been here with us. We will have the giant turkey, Grandma K's stuffing, carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes, cauliflower, broccoli, with cheddar sauce, and cranberry sauce, and likely rolls and salad. I promise to look the other way if you put cheese on your broccoli, mashed potatoes AND your turkey. You and Papa L. may need to pull up a chair but there will be enough food and you will be so very welcome. When you have your holiday there, say hello to everyone else and all our animals for us. I will have the pumpkin pie, and apple also. This year, in honor of my Mom, I think we will have mince as well.
I am working toward a good Thanksgiving for your sibs and Dad and I, as well as you. We will be at home this year. As you well know, I love you deeper than the oceans and wider than the seas.
I don't drink just because it gives me terrible heartburn, but nonetheless a friend sent me this, and I thought it was worth posting here.
Tequila and Salt
This should probably be taped
to your bathroom mirror
where one could read it every day.
You may not realize it,
but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.
2.. At least 15 people in this world
love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to
be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't
5. Every night,
SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world
has turned its back on you
take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received..
Forget about the rude remarks.
If you are a loving friend,
send this to everyone,
including the one that sent it to you.
If you get it back, then they really do love you.
And always remember...
when life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!
Good friends are like stars.........
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.
"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though
Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
God keeps You Going
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sometimes I feel guilty that
The mother who had only to look at you
To know you were getting a cold could not save you.
Sometimes I feel guilty that of all those I gave
witnessed CPR to, who continued to live, or went on
to expert ICU care, that of all those people, you
have been the only one I could not spare.
Sometimes I can't understand how you could have been so full of life, played soccer and eaten pie, only to cease to inhabit your beautiful suit the following day.
All the time, I cannot understand how the Mom who knew you so well could not feel our time drawing to a close.
Sometimes I wonder that if the autopsy showed no cause of death, if you are not dead at all. You watched Stargate, learned of ascension and just as the character Daniel did, went on to live as a being of light, before you return again.
Sometimes I think I should get you snowboots because yours are now long since outgrown.
Sometimes the pain is so great that it makes it hard for me to do what I must for your siblings, but I promise you, I shall.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
My dear son.
Since you have passed I no longer live
Squarely in middle Earth ignoring the whispers
Of those who are dead.
I have moved to the edge of Earth as it borders
Heaven, where I am quiet, listening for whispers
Or laughs from you, or clues from your Grandpa as
To what to do with my retirement account.
Part of me wants to breach your door and follow,
Yet knowing how special you are, I know that you
Dwell in a special part, even for Heaven. I know
I cannot hope to join you without finishing my
work with your siblings, your Dad and your
Animals, here on Earth.
I hate that God had different tasks for us but
I love that we intersected here.
I hear you and Dad at 4 or 5 am when I am
sleeping. What a relief for you to tell me things
Without having to hear back from me too.
I love you both with an energy that transcends
Time, space, and the gate that God has placed
Between us. I know you are minding God, because
You always did. We love you.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
My dear Daniel,
As you know from the tears and my heading for bed at 7:11 pm last evening, these days are hard ones. The morning temperatures are what they were when you passed to spirit, and we are very close to your having passed one year ago. I am not really any wiser or better about it than I was a couple of months ago. I miss you and Papa L. more than I can describe, and yet I must continue for you, Dad and everyone else to function, make sense of, and find joy in the life which remains. Most days I do this, and you would be proud, but some days, I am tired and melancholy.
As you know, we are almost finished with your "teen-age room" with the tall built in blonde bookcases, where all your things will go as a guest and remembrance room. The ceiling like a true sky (not a painted one) is taking a little more time, but it will be there ! You certainly did have a lot of things, toys, pictures, sporting equipment,books, dvds, computers, games, etc. and we tended to pack and put away rather than give away many of those things when you outgrew them.
I know you and Dad are here sometimes. I am not sure who dropped the jar of pickles from the top of the frij when I was on the other side of the room with my back to you. I am not sure who tossed the spiral bound notebooks at me while I was filing the paid bills today, but I know that you and Dad check on me. BTW, Thanks for the Amy Grant Christmas music you told me about in a dream. I had no idea she had such a body of work over such a long period of time. Thankyou. I DO like that song, and it plays over and over again in my head.
I love you both so much, and if God is agreeable, we can keep our connection alive always. I will keep an eye out for you both around the house.
Your "chocolate hoarding matriarch"