Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A Recollection

This week I had to take our Jack Russell, Rosheen, to the vet for a 3 year rabies vaccine. James and I loaded the car and took her. I realized when I was cued by the smell of veterinary disinfectant there, that the last time I bad been there with Ro was on November 14, 2008, about two weeks before Daniel's passing. I remember the day well. Matthew and I took Ro to the vet, and it was the very first time that Daniel stayed alone in the house at 12 1/2. Daniel wanted to get some schoolwork done and work on his computer. We knew he was ready for this. He had the cell phone and both my husbands and my numbers programmed in. He also had the landline, etc. I realized while at the vet that I WOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT DANIEL ALONE IN THE HOUSE IF I HAD EVEN REMOTELY SUSPECTED THAT ANYTHING COULD BE WRONG WITH HIM. How could he have passed just two weeks later, with no clear cause ?
Interestingly, time without us there seemed longer than he he thought, and although we were right on schedule because we were bringing him lunch, he called my husband with concerns that perhaps we had broken down in the older car we keep just to transport dogs and other animals to the vet when needed.
I miss him so very much.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Heavy Rains

Some days it still surprizes me that the sun still shines. It still snows and people still go to work. I try really hard to keep life flowing and moving in a positive direction, since I am very cognizant that my children and my husband really do look to me to set the tone with regard to our grieving. Although each person grieves differently and on a different timetable. I know that when I grieve openly, they do too and they do not function as well.
This week has been one of the hardest. I have really enjoyed having James with us, but in a sense, it opens the wound. I am very much reminded of how much we lost with Daniel's untimely passing. It makes me sad that James and Daniel have not had an opportunity to know each other here on Earth. Secondly, I had a couple of routine doctor's appointments this week and seeing them again and having them ask how I am doing induced me to answer and actually tell the truth. Lastly, I took James to a new pediatrician (better parking and hopefully fewer docs in the practice) When he told me a baseline EKG for an adolescent boy on medications was unnecessary, I wanted to punch him. Instead, I said, "Oh really ? Are you aware that both Spain and Italy do routine EKGs on all adolescents while assessing for long qt syndrome ?" I continued, "I watched my 12 year old son die in front of me, as I did CPR. I am told that it is long qt syndrome which caused this". Suffice it to say that James will be getting a baseline EKG.
The rains are heavy and there is intermittent flooding on the rural roads. The dark, cold and rainy outdoors pretty much reflect my mood.