Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Some Days Are Dark

Since Daniel has died sometimes I am surprized that the world went on. Sometimes I am surprized that I function as well as I do, that the other kids can laugh and sometimes so do I. Sometimes we tell jokes that Daniel liked and we remember and we laugh, and then there are days like this one. Since Daniel passed, I try to be as busy as possible during the day. First, I think this is what he would want of me, and second, I do best when working to achieve something. I have noticed that I avoid staying home for the entire day and I avoid housecleaning. There is only so long one can avoid this. I must do laundry, pay bills, write letters, and begin to organize his room and perhaps put some of his things away, if just for safekeeping.
Today we have an icestorm and intelligent people are home in their houses, and yes, they are likely cleaning, doing laundry and catching up. I find that grief makes it hard for me to focus and achieve as much as I normally would. My "organizational chip" is down. The woman who used to be able to organize, clean and toss is not present. I clean a little, find something that comprises a memory, cry for a little while, place whatever it is in a freezer bag, and save it as a momento. Most 12 year olds are not the neatest creatures on the earth and our beloved Daniel was no exception. He had a lot of things, and a lot of paperwork, and I am afraid that it is not rational or realistic to save them all, but somehow, part of me tries. I think if I could, I would have his laptop bronzed.
Today, I am sad. I am missing the wonderful young man with the dry sense of humor who loved British comedies and video games. He could imitate and recite long stretches of "Black Adder", "Red Dwarf", "Fawlty Towers" and "A Bit of Fry and Laurie". He could sing all of the songs from the Fry and Laurie series. Although I wasn't pleased, he thought Stewie in "Family Guy" was a scream. Daniel also was compassionate and understanding with animals. He was gentle with the ducks, the chickens, the alpacas, the dogs, the rabbits, and any other animal that found its way here. He was even loving and understanding of our roosters who can be downright aggressive. There is a bombcrater where my beloved son used to be, and although I still have three wonderful children older than he is, and a wonderful husband, this does not entirely compensate for such a deep loss.
I know that when its not so cold out and we are not in danger of losing power that once again, I will cope better and make Daniel proud of me. I know that he is home safe, but I also know that I miss him terribly and that it's almost more than I can bear. Still, I know that I am cut from strong stuff, as he was, and that I can do what I need to to make God, and Daniel proud of me.

The clip below is a song which Daniel did know. He is not the animation creator of this particular piece, but he did this type of thing and would appreciate this one.



  1. Alexandra - if i were able to time-travel, i would go back to this day and hug you, put some of Daniel's things in plastic bags with, make you some tea, hold you while you cried, tell you that he and God are both very proud of how you are holding up, and take care of any chores that needed to be done. if only i could time-travel.

    your friend,

  2. Kymber, How lovely. Thank you for the support. I think when this happened, I simply wanted to sit quietly. Eventually, we redid Daniel's room, and gave him a basement guest room he had always wanted. Now, most of his things reside in a lovely room, where we can come to use his computer and see some of the things he was doing there, watch some of his DVDs and remember. He would love it there.

  3. teehee. i get the feeling that he would really love it there.


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