Sometimes in the quiet moments of my life I think back, and I recall different passages of my life. I remember, a bit more than a month before Daniel passed that my father was hospitalized in another city. I had traveled there to remain with my Dad. Daniel, my husband and the other kids made the trip that weekend. When I saw Daniel, he had been crying. He was very upset to see my father so ill. I remember at the end of the hallway, far from my father, kissing Daniel on the cheek and holding him tight. I remember telling him that Dad had been made my God and that if God called him home, that we needed to have faith in God's plan for him. I also told Daniel that I love him very much. He seemed a bit better after we spoke. As I held him that day, I remember wishing I could hold that moment in time forever. My Dad was here on Earth, and Daniel was with me, and all my children, even those in college, were close. I wanted to hold time still. I had no idea that the next month would bring so many challenges to my faith, and that my own faith in what God's plan for us might be.
God allowed many magical moments with both Dad and with Daniel before he called each of them, in an instant, one expectedly, and one so unexpectedly. Sometimes I stand in awe that I, and our family have somehow still survived. Daniel, I remember your flushed face and your tears that day. I remember our hug as if it were yesterday. I can't go back to that moment, and redo it, taking you in that moment to the best electrophysiologist or interventional cardiologist I could find, to try to interrupt what I did not know was soon to happen. I can't go back to that time. Instead, I am racing forward through my life, taking care of your animals, your Dad, and your siblings and waiting for the moment when we all see one another again. I still have so much to share with you. I love you and miss you so.
Precious memories are so dear . I have found myself wishing I could go back so many times. I would trade my life for my sons. Losing a child is the most painful thing one can experience. It has almost 14 months & we have survived but no day is pain free. A mother's love continues after losing a child. So sorry for your pain. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteLara
Lara,
ReplyDeleteI have often wondered about you this year. The first year, I am told, is always the hardest. I too would go back and try to intervene to prevent my son's passing, and I also would give my life without question to have kept him here. I think though, that even the way things unfolded, if I had advance notice that Daniel would have been called anyway.
Yes, a mother's love continues forever and always. Take good care.