In about twenty days it will have been five years since Daniel, excited about going Christmas shopping, walked into the bathroom, collapsed and died. Most days I don't replay those moments in my head, again and again. Of course, for a very long time I did, hoping to understand how a child with no particular health history could collapse and die without warning. I still don't get it, but I accept that he is safe at home, and I know he does not suffer, and this helps me. I do think about him every day, and I often wonder how his awareness is entertained in the next dimension, and who he sees and talks to, besides God, of course.
Today I ran a few errands with my eldest son. Both of our errands were useless as the items we ordered hadn't come in. We decided to take a longer trip into the city, as we were half way there. By then, it was lunchtime. We spotted a Chic-Fil-a and I had a salad while my son had some really delicious looking nuggets without breading. While we were there we spotted a boy who was about seven, standing with his teen aged sister who was taking him to lunch. He so reminded me of Daniel. He had the same haircut as Daniel at that age, and the same clear skin. He had shining blue/green eyes and a kind and gentle face. He also had a muscular build which also reminded me of Daniel at seven or eight. I smiled at him, and he didn't see. As I walked past I felt that same longing twinge I experienced the entire year that Daniel passed. He reminded me of Daniel, but of course, he wasn't. My Daniel is no longer with me on Earth. I felt empty and sad. In the next moment I wondered if the boy who looked so much like Daniel should be eating at Chic-Fil-a since they fry some of their food in peanut oil, and Daniel was allergic to it. "Don't be silly", I told myself. All at once, a young man with neat short hair called the boy's sisters name. She collected their food and out they went, about as fast as Daniel left Earth that day five years ago.
I know that I had a very great gift in having Daniel on Earth at all. I know that my remaining kids are also very great gifts. I know that Daniel was such an excellent "model" of kid that God would certainly use elements of his looks and personality again in other children. I remember that as I watch harried mothers and fathers shouting and occasionally slapping kids they don't realize could be gone from their lives in a flash. I said a silent prayer that none of those families would ever know the loss of a child. May they never know this feeling, even five years past Daniel's departure.
Each time I open your blog I see those beautiful blue eyes and sweet face. Thow I never knew your Daniel it is just like with my own son. How could they be gone. There so young and beautiful. I have seen teens with gestures and features my son had. It hits me takes me back. While grocery shopping 2 weeks ago I saw a young mother of 3 little girls. One about 2 crying getting out of the family cart. The mother picked her up and to me put her back in the cart quite forcefully while hitting her head on the shelf. I told my husband get me out of here because I want to tell her what it is like to lose a child and slam her into the shelves. If she had any idea just how fast God and the his angels could have her child. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your post and kind words. A friend of mine who lost her young son overnight to the flu, is also bothered by how many parents really do mistreat their children in grocery stores. She has an interesting way of dealing with it when she sees it. She comments on what a great looking little boy or girl they have. Then she says they remind her of her son. Then she says, "He's dead now". That is usually unusual and bizarre enough that the parent who is borderline abusive is shocked, and resets into better behavior, at least for the moment. I applaud her guts.
ReplyDeleteI have had you in my thoughts with the approaching day to come of losing your sweet Daniel. I lift you in prayer. You have offered me support in the death of my son and I wanted you to know I don't just read and leave. I come back to read your replies and in between I think of you and pray.I send you a long hug.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your friend has lost her child also. I may just try her approach if I encounter the unkind forceful mother or any others like her.
Thank you again for your kind words and for your loyalty. Many of us who have lost sons or daughters find that there is a big change in our constellation of friends afterward. Many cannot deal with the loss of someone's child, as it leaves them feeling depressed and vulnerable to such losses also. There is a wonderful yahoo group called Afterlife Eternal where mothers of sons and daughters who have moved past Earth can meet to share their thoughts and where they find understanding. You might wish to take a look. The group is actually open to anyone grieving the death of a loved one, but most members have lost a child to an accident or illness. There are many of us. Thank you for your support. I know this is a difficult time of year for you, as well.
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