Whitney Houston Passes

This was her last album, said to be a critical success. She is reported not to have had the stamina for touring and entire concerts as she once did.

Whitney Houston as many of us will remember her.  In her youth her voice was not only energetic with incredible range, but she moved so well on stage, whether dancing or not, that she was a joy to watch.

I don't think Daniel had too many memories of Whitney Houston. I think he saw her in the film "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner, here at home, and he probably knew her voice, but that's probably it. I on the other hand, have her rise to fame, her voice, and things about her as memories of my own life, and as a backdrop especially to my life in my twenties.  I remember that Whitney Houston, when very young, was hailed as the "amazing" niece of Dionne Warwick, and the daughter of singer Cissy Houston. In the eighties, I remember an energetic and young Whitney singing on then fledgling MTV.   I grew up in Morris County, NJ, and the Houstons lived in East Orange, so it was nice to see someone from the state doing well. As Whitney became famous, she bought up prime residential real estate in Mendham, NJ,which is also in my home county of Morris, in order to build a palatial home and recording studio. I remember that it was the first time that anyone black had bought prime residential real estate in expensive Mendham.  This was interesting, because for the first time, no one cared about her race. In those years, she was popular music royalty. I remember that Whitney had her daughter Bobbi Christina at St. Barnabas Hospital in NJ. By then, two of my children were born and my own life and career took me to another state, and I had less time to commit to memory details of popular culture.
However, as I had two more children, and made a life in another state, Whitney Houston married Bobby Brown, descended into drug use, and did not continue to sing with the same incredible voice she was known for as a young woman. There were attempts at comebacks, but there were public relations issues, and her voice seemed to lack the flexibility and energy it once had.
       Whitney Houston was found dead at 48 yesterday in Beverly Hills on the eve of the Grammy awards. No one yet knows the cause, but most equate it with a long battle with alcohol and drug abuse. Her amazing voice carried us through many years before her difficulties. We send our condolences to her family and especially to Cissy Houston, her mother, Dionne Warwick, her aunt, and 18 year old, Bobbi Christina, her daughter. I remember that Whitney Houston was first discovered in church, and that she had faith in Jesus Christ.  She is home with him now.

My Turn Now

       

   My Dad, and Daniel and I were always very close when they were each here on Earth, and I have conveyed that we are close even now, when they have both passed.  This week we learned how much like them, and how connected we still really are.
               About two weeks ago, I got a chest cold, unusual for me, and somewhat severe. I was coughing particularly at night, and wheezing a little.  I also noticed that my heartbeat was particularly strong and more rapid than usual.  Nine days ago, I experienced a sensation of chest palpitations, of my heart bouncing, a bit like a flopping fish.  While taking my pulse, it seemed irregular. Since by then it was the middle of the night, I decided to take two aspirin, and call my physician in the morning, and report what is probably a run of atrial fibrillation.  Yes, atrial fibrillation afflicted my Dad, on and off for almost thirty years.  It also altered the configuration and efficiency of his heart and contributed to his passing, albeit in his eighties.   Daniel of course, is said to have passed suddenly, following a clean autopsy, of a spontaneous rhythm disturbance.  It is therefore not surprizing, that I share some of this predilection.
               That night, as I slept, my father said to me in a dream, "This is the last time you are going to be able to let this pass.  This next time, you are going to need treatment.  You need to get a cardiologist".
                As you know, I accept that Daniel and my father, are able to speak with me, in both dreams and sometimes in other ways.  I made the cardiologists appointment immediately for the end of the month, as quickly as I could get an appointment. I also let my internist know what was going on.  Nine days after the initial episode of atrial fibrillation, it happened again, early one morning, and I wound up in the university medical center's cardiology monitored unit.  Oddly, I was very calm.   Just as I had suspected, on EKG, and on monitor, it was atrial fibrillation.  Then, as it tried to convert, it danced between atrial fib. and atrial flutter. This time, the episode lasted from 5:14 am until 3:15 pm.   Physicians did testing, and chest x-rays and waited for labs.  First, they were seeking some insight in terms of fluid and electrolyte balance with regard to labs, and later they were debating the benefits of cardioversion against the benefits of intravenous drug conversion to a normal rhythm.    I joked that I had an AED at home, but that it just didn't have a "self cardiovert mode". No one thought my laughing  comment that coronal mass ejections of the sun has disrupted the electrical rhythm of my heart very funny either.   No one seems to have a sense of humor in a cardiac unit, and that is indeed just where one needs to have it. I told them that I thought I would convert on my own anyway, and that I would rather take an anti-arrhythmic drug myself, so that we would know what would work if this ever happens at home, and they agreed.  While they were headed to the pharmacy of an anti-arrhythmic pill they do not keep on their unit, I converted to regular sinus rhythm by myself.   After another hour, I was sent home.
           This new arrhythmia may simply be our family leaning toward episodic arrhythmia.  My eldest son had a successful cardiac ablation for a-fib about a year ago, and so rhythm disturbances are a feature of our family.  Still, cardiac arrhythmia can be caused by many things.   In Daniel's case, his supposed fatal arrhythmia was spontaneous and due to Long QT syndrome which had never been diagnosed..  His autopsy showed a completely normal heart without enlargement or coronary artery disease.   My father, had spontaneous arrhythmia, in the form of a fib,but went on with episodic a-fib to have changes from it which adversely impacted his heart's ability to pump as effectively as it once did. The eventual effect was heart failure in his eighties.   My issue may be different from theirs.  Unlike each of them, I seem to have a moderate enlargement of my heart in addition to the new arrhythmia. It may be that my new issue follows a virus.
          In any event,  my job is to try to avoid any additional slips into atrial fibrillation (as if I have that kind of control here) between now and my appointment in a week and a half.  I also need to try to get over this cold.  Then, the remainder of my cardiac testing will be done and my cardiologist will come up with a game plan.  Other than feeling lousy I am not particularly scared. I know I have family who love me here with me, and God and at least a couple of people around me who aren't in the flesh here anymore.  I'll let you know how it goes.

A Perfect Explanation by Jenny Hess

I often hear how "remarkable" I am in terms of enduring the passage of Daniel, and in terms of understanding that our time on Earth is temporary, and that Daniel is standing by, and that we will be reunited when God is ready. In reality, our precious Daniel, and all of our children come from God, and they are therefore God's to call. I wanted to share with you this beautifully put video from Jenny Hess. In it, she explains so many of the things my family and I felt. There were also loving and golden times just before Daniel's passing, and there was God present around us when Daniel had to leave us. God could have restored him to us, but chose a different path for us. God never left us, and never will. No matter what your faith, whether it's a denomination of Christianity, Judaism, or another, Jenny's joy as she talks about Russell, and her knowledge and acceptance of the world which awaits us, is inspiring.

May Daniel and Russell explore the woods, the grasses and ponds of Heaven as we remember them both today.

Updates on Missing VCU Students

Jonny Dorey in 2010.  This was an apparent photo ID picture and shows good detail of his dentition.

Jonny Dorey in 2010.  This shows good facial detailing when not smiling

Jonny Dorey.  Also taken in 2010.

Jonny Dorey has been missing from Virginia Commonwealth University, where he was an exchange student studying geography, since March 2, 2010. Jonny hails from Guernsey in the Channel Islands in the United Kingdom. His clothing, and an empty bottle of liquor were found at Rockett's Landing by the James River, but his expensive bicycle never has been. One witness believes they saw someone who looked like him swimming in the James in 30 degree weather at about the time of his disappearance. Although it is true that with the potential undertow in the James River, that a drowning victim might not be found close to Rockett's Landing, a body should have appeared downstream, especially during a cold month. The missing persons case on Jonny Dorey has never been closed. There is an active FBI case open also. Additional information is in the VCU newsclip below, released some time ago. Jonny is reputed to be friendly and outgoing. He makes friends easily. He is well traveled and knows many places in the US as well as Nova Scotia, Canada.  Jonny's family believes that he likely committed suicide in the James River that day, but without a body, no one can be sure.


If you have any information whatsoever, please contact:

Family Contact Person: bobbeebe@cwgsy.net

Contact VCU Police Communications at 804-828-1196.

http://www.fbi.gov/contact-us/contact-us

You may also call any branch of the FBI





Our own complete information on this case is found on our prior post:

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2011/05/where-is-jonny-dorey.html

and at:

http://www.charleyproject.org/cases/d/dorey_jonathan.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The television program "Missing" will profile the Ian Burnet case on February 20, 2012

http://www.usamissing.com/This-Week-TV.shtml

Ian Burnet. Taken at Christmas 2011.

Ian Burnet. Reportedly taken in 2011.

There is no additional information available in the search for Ian Burnet, a VCU honors engineering student who disappeared on a trip to New York City, on or about December 30, 2011. Ian also had a good job in Richmond, and plans for continued work after graduation. He had contacted friends and made plans following his return from New York. Ian is on a full merit scholarship to Virginia Commonwealth University and is missing his last semester before being granted his degree. Although there are allegations of at least one prior suicide attempt, this was unknown to his family (parents and his older brother), with whom evidence suggests that he is reportedly close.

To continue to help find Ian Burnet or to provide leads or information:

http://www.findianburnet.com/

newkenttips@co.newkent.state.va.us.

New Kent County Sheriff's Office with tips at (804) 966-9500

If you have information about Ian Burnet, the contact information for the New York Police Department is either Detective Sanchez or Det. Davis, or Sgt Greene at the 30th Precinct, 451 W 151st St. The phone number is 212-690-8842.

One can also contact the facebook page "Find Ian Burnet" for those who are members.




Our own complete information on this case is found on this blogspot page:

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/01/can-you-find-missing-vcu-student-ian.html

and

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/01/ian-burnet-remains-missing.html

________________

Experts in locating missing adults say that it can be hard to keep information out in media on a continued basis. Posting periodic status reports is our way, at "What I Learned from Daniel" of maintaining awareness not only in the cases of these two young men, but in the plights of many families who have had a child or young adult family member disappear with no word, for an extended period.

This is an additional link with information on the large number of missing adults from the United States.
When adjusting for population disparities, similarly large numbers of young people, are also missing from Canada.

        http://www.lbth.org/ncma/index.php             

This is a listing of some of America's missing adults:

 http://www.lbth.org/ncma/gallery/ncmalistview.php?wstr=Adult&alpha=A

                                                   ___________________________

Our son Daniel would very much want his blog paged used, at least periodically,  to help reunite families from their missing family members.

Recalling Some of Daniel's Attitudes About Family

Daniel was aware that my mother went to an assisted living facility first for rehabilitation after an injury, and later because she chose it. It can be hard for young people to imagine the need for assistance and support that older people may sometimes need.

Daniel disliked the whole idea of boarding schools and military academies. Of course, largely what he knew about them came from watching "Malcolm in the Middle".

Daniel believed that kids should learn from their parents and that long term daycare made "good little socialists". I wondered where he had heard the word ! Perhaps he was of this opinion because we once had a child who came from an orphanage who stayed with us, and therefore Daniel had a front row seat for a time to the institutional damage of that particular child.

One of the things I remember best about Daniel was his ability to observe something and the ability to draw a conclusion that others might not make. Even when he was quite small, he often saw things differently. I was reminded of this today when Adam and I were out in the car, and he mentioned something. We were in a restaurant near a rural shopping center which is quite near a private boarding school. The restaurant was beyond full, as today is apparently the day in which people come with their sons for an informational visit to the private boy's prep school.
Daniel was always very appreciative of the fact that we had organized our lives so that when they were small, we were available to our kids. This was less true of Adam and Stephanie. When they were very small, I sometimes worked nights as a nurse in order to be home with them during the day, after very little sleep. When Matthew was a baby, I worked a critical care job, but only on weekends when my husband was home, so that I would be there during the week. Daniel was the fourth child, and lucky insofar as he was the first child who had me home, all of the time, without sharing me with a regular job until he was older than ten. Daniel therefore had the luxury of believing that daycare was less than a good place. Of course, I don't think it helped that Adam and Stephanie told stories about daycare which included fights and what sounds like deprivation and unfairness, but I think to them as young children, time there may have seemed unjust. Daniel was of the opinion that people who turned children into fulltime daycare as babies or toddlers, and then picked them up with enough time to feed them and put them to bed, should just skip having children entirely. Daniel believed that we should raise our kids and not pay someone else to do it. I tried to explain that many times there were good reasons to use daycare, and that it could broaden the horizons of the children who were using it, but he believed that long term daycare was something arms length parents did when they wanted to spend as little time with their children as possible. I wondered recently if he were right, when I read about an upscale daycare center in which you not only can check on your child via internet, but using Paypal, you can buy your child's very own birthday party. His friends are already there, and it's his birthday, with no fuss, and no muss, for you the parent. All of a sudden I wondered if Daniel had been right about some people abrogating as much time with their children as possible.
I learned today that Adam is of the same opinion. He was saying that not only are people in a mad rush to place their children in daycare, and return to work, whether the financial need is there or not, but that placing a son, who probably needs to hear what his parents think about a number of things, in a private boarding school also may be another version of abrogating some of the obligations of parenthood. Lastly, the trend to place even functional older people in assisted living facilities, sometimes for the convenience of their families is also a manifestation of an America in which we want what we want, and do not wish to be encumbered by our babies, school aged children, teens, or elderly. Adam is not the only one who feels this way. I'll bet Daniel still does too.

Where There is No Entropy or Passage of Time

          They say, that in Heaven, there is no entropy, no wear or breakdown of anything, and there is no actual passage of time.  Because you are there Daniel, and my father is also, I try really hard to imagine that. You might say that my heart is there already.   It seems in the world I am in, entropy is not only alive and quite well, but it appears to be accelerating.    "The Arab Spring" which we were told in this country was a positive thing, by media and the present administration, as it would be a chance for Tunisia, Yemen, Syria, Egypt and others to move closer to democracy has not gone that way.   It appears that violence has broken out and that Muslim extremists seem to be taking control in those places, when control actually exists.  Entire families are being killed in Syria.   It seems that in the two thousand years since Jesus Christ visited Earth, that sometimes, very little progress was made since Biblical times.  I heard today that Ahmadinejad, of Iran has launched a Spanish speaking station so that he can mobilize malcontents in South America and Mexico to attack the United States.  As I said, the entropy appears to be accelerating, and the news does not seem good most evenings.
         I cannot really imagine time not passing as it does on Earth.  Everything I have read seems to indicate that time there is spent busily and comfortably. I understand that although more than three Earth years has passed since each of you have, that to you, not much time has passed at all.
Entropy is a funny thing. When we are young and we build something, like a home or a farm, the maintenance projects are completed quickly and with little effort. As we age, and I don't necessarily mean very far, the tasks we have to complete in a maintenance of a farm or a home take more time, more effort and more planning. It's as if we are introduced to entropy in this way. As we move through life, more and more deteriorates and we have more and more trouble keeping up and maintaining what there is to do. Eventually, entropy begins to hit bodies as well, and the body that worked so well and healed so quickly when we were young, starts to need doctor visits and "maintenance" too. It's funny that it's as if all of our time here on Earth prepares us for the day in which we depart for Heaven. I miss you both so much.

 

Fridays Facebook Foibles

      

     I completed high school in three years and went on to college, and this is not generally something I would recommend for most people. It's also something I did not recommend to my own kids. . For many reasons, it suited my personality, as I am not really given to looking back. In the past, my tendency has been to look forward and to move forward, and when young, perhaps I even did this to the detriment of the present.  I have kept three close friends from high school, and about five from college, and otherwise have never really looked back. After high school, I went on to college, and then afterward, took a job in the Northeast, and midway through my twenties, moved to Virginia and again, never looked back.  I have only been back to the Northeastern US once since that time when I happened to be there with one of my older children.  I don't carve time from the present day for high school reunions, or even for post college get-togethers.  Despite this, I remember all the names of all my grade school teachers, and most of the names of kids with whom I went to elementary school, middle school, high school, and even a few from college.  I like the internet, but I am not a fan of social media. I enjoy Daniel's blog, but  I don't like breaching my own security by providing more data than I want to, or by allowing my friends to do so. My days are pretty full now, and I can't spare the time to Twitter. I therefore don't have a My Space account, a Twitter account or a Facebook account, and I likely never will.    Last weekend, one of my kids in trying to get me to grasp the true social significance of this new horizon called social media, allowed me to "look around" using his account.    I looked up a couple of the names of people I knew in high school, and with whom I haven't spoken since then.  Their facebook friends provided new names, and so on and so on.  Within about an hour, I knew everything I cared to about almost everyone with whom I had attended high school.  This was made easier by many of my classmates having retained their original surnames and having added a married name to it.  Oddly, they were also friends with a number of our instructors from those days on facebook also.  Certainly, a facebook cross section of my high school life is not a scientific examination of sociological trends, but since Daniel will never retrace his friends from childhood as an adult, I decided to explore a little.
          There were some interesting trends which seemed to emerge on Facebook.  First of all, kids who were very popular in high school seem now to have happily befriended those who clearly were not.  Secondly, many of the people from my high school class have never married, and never had children.  Interestingly, this was a good high school in a relatively wealthy area in a suburban area of a Northeastern state.  The students who attended should do well in the world. There were an abundance of opportunities in that era, even adjusting for a recession which occurred in 1981.   There were numerous car accident deaths within a couple of years of graduation, and this was known to me, when they happened.  Interestingly, from our graduating class of 200, the class yielded two physicians, two attorneys, about five engineers, five teachers, four builders, several restauranteurs, two successful opera singers, etc.  My closest friends became college professors and so far as I know, I am the only one who became a registered nurse at any time. (I mixed the professions of being an RN and then later being a college instructor)  There are a couple of chemists. There is one CEO from a large company. There is one public relations worker. There are a couple of people who work for the federal government.  There are a couple of professional writers and an abundance of those who work in customer service. There is an abundance of personal trainers and yoga instructors. There were no people in our graduating class who went into the military. (Although there were some in the class ahead of us, and the class behind us.)  The determining factor as to who became most successful seemed to come down to one thing.   Those who remained in our expensive Northeastern state where we went to school, seemed not only NOT to do as well as those who went to other states to pursue college or another job, but those who left were more likely to be married and to have had children.  Of course, this is a non-scientific anecdotal look at how one class from 1978 did when they got to the world, but it is interesting nonetheless.
              The other thing that I found a little discouraging was how they looked.  I am obviously not 16 or 17 year old  in pictures now, but I do look like a more mature version of the person I was in high school or in college.  People would recognize me.   Just a few of the women from school were recognizable. Most of them looked much, much older than I expected them to.  I felt very sad when I realized that I don't look as old as they do.  I wondered why.  Life has not always been easy for me, and I suppose there have been challenges for my former classmates as well.  They are clearly the people I knew, and I could verify this as they have the same siblings names that I recall, but many of them look like ELDERLY grandparents.
            I decided, after reading all about everyone, not to contact anyone.  The friends who were close to me then, still are, and I have never lost touch with them.  It was a little surreal to catch up with almost everyone I could consider, and have all my questions answered after all those years, in just an hour or two.

 

More Messages Which Came in Dreams

No longer dismissed as folklore, NASA has plenty to say on coronal mass ejections for 2012.

I was really only joking when I speculated that the increase in coronal mass ejections from the sun (CMEs) and all this bombardment of Earth which is heightening the aurora borealis (or Northern lights) phenomenon, and causing it to be seen in places such as Northern England, Scotland and Ireland, might be heightening psychic reception or messages in dreams from those who have passed.  I am beginning to wonder if my joke has any truth to it.  As you might know, particularly if you have kids who follow astronomy, this week the Earth has been bombarded by the largest coronal mass ejection since 2005.


Lee Billings, who is an astronomy reporter over at Popular Mechanics has written some great information.

     "A geomagnetic storm produces dangerous electrical currents in a manner analogous to a moving bar magnet raising currents in a coil of wire. When a CME hits the Earth’s magnetic field and sends it oscillating, those undulating magnetic fields raise currents in conductive material within and on the Earth itself. The currents that ripple through our planet can easily enter transformers that serve as nodes in regional, national, and global power grids. They can also seep into and corrode the steel in lengthy stretches of oil and gas pipeline.

On October 29, 2003, power grids around the world felt the strain from the geomagnetic currents. In North America, utility companies scaled back electricity generation to protect the grid. In Sweden, a fraction of a CME-induced electric current overloaded a high-voltage transformer, and blacked out the city of Malmo for almost an hour. The CME dumped an even larger mass of energetic particles into Earth’s upper atmosphere and orbital environment, where satellites began to fail because of cascading electronics glitches and anomalies. Most were recovered, but not all. Astronauts in low-Earth orbit inside the International Space Station retreated to the Station’s shielded core to wait out the space-weather storm. Even there, the astronauts received elevated doses of radiation, and occasionally saw brief flashes of brilliant white and blue—bursts of secondary radiation caused when a stray particle passed directly through the vitreous humor of the astronauts’ eyes at nearly light-speed.
Flares and CMEs from the Sun continued to bombard the Earth until early November of that year, when at last our star’s most active surface regions rotated out of alignment with our planet. No lives were lost, but many hundreds of millions of dollars in damages had been sustained.
The event, now known as the Halloween Storm of 2003, deeply worried John Kappenman, an engineer and expert in geomagnetic storm effects. The Sun had fired a clear warning shot. Its activity roughly follows an 11-year cycle, and severe space weather tends to cluster around each cycle’s peak. The Sun’s next activity peak is expected to occur this year or next, and the chance of more disruptive geomagnetic storms will consequently increase".

           The electro-magnetic effects of CMEs are well known within the scientific community, but decidedly much less has been written about any biological or even psychic effects so my mention of this is squarely within the realm of total speculation.   I mention this because, my husband, who has never acknowledged a visitation dream from Daniel before, reported one in the middle of the night last night, and remembered it enough to discuss it this morning.   Tonight, I am up, having had a dream from my father.  In the dream my father had provided tools to me and told me to hold on to them.  He also told me that if I could not keep my potassium levels in check then this would be the last time that I would be able to manage atrial fibrillation without a cardiologist, and that I should line one up now, rather than using an internist to manage it.   He was talking to me despite the fact that in the dream, the different types of tools had been mailed to me. Apparently, something either needs repair or certainly will soon.  There are those who believe that human consciousness is expanded during periods of coronal mass ejections, and who am I to doubt this ?   We are electrical creatures by virtue of the electrical conduction systems of our hearts, the electrical systems of our brains and by the hemoglobin and iron in our blood.  Would it really be so amazing if changes in magnetic fields due to coronal mass ejections, altered us, as electrical creatures,  as well ?

A Visit in Dream for my Husband

          I was just thinking this week that I had not heard from Daniel or from my Dad in some time, in dreams. I don't have any control over this, and I am convinced that this is something THEY do from time to time, and not really something my psyche can orchestrate.   (Although I certainly can orchestrate dreams in which I am restating to someone what happened and the feelings of loss and bewilderment which can occur.)   There is not much I can do but let them know before I sleep that I am open to hearing from them, before I pray to God each evening before sleep.
           My husband has not been as lucky as I have in this regard.  Normally, he does not recall many of his dreams, and when he does, they are not vivid, and they are often a simple restatement of his days frustrations.  Last night though, it was different.    He related in the middle of the night that he dreamt that we were living in the big white house we lived in, in the suburbs, before we moved here.  This is the house we lived in when Daniel was born.  We moved to the country from that house when Daniel was two.    In my husband's dream, he dreamt that Daniel was about four, and that my husband and I were watching tv in our bed with Daniel sitting with us.   I had fallen asleep while watching television, so my husband picked Daniel up, and carried him to bed, tucking him in.  Daniel was wide awake, and not in any rush to go to bed.  A black labrador dog, just like Mark, (one of Daniel's dogs) who died of a stroke, a couple of years after Daniel's passing, was sleeping  at Daniel's feet, guarding him.    My husband awoke at around 2:30 am and was crying.   This type of dream is unusual for him.   I told him that Daniel was likely visiting and that this was a loving encouragement from him.   This morning, my husband recalls this dream very clearly, which is also unusual for him.
          Last night I dreamt "busy dreams".   I was busy with multiple tasks.   Oddly, I too dreamt that we were once again living in the big white suburban house, but that we were at war, and that there was civil unrest.

This is the house both my husband and I dreamt about last evening. This was our second home together.  It was a surburban home with about an acre of land, with a full basement and three full floors.  This is the home Daniel spent his babyhood in. We moved from here, to the first farm we built when he was two.

             I wonder if all the coronal mass ejections of the sun, that we have had of late, generate more vivid dreams for us on Earth, or whether it makes it easier for those who have passed and whom we love, to pass a message of remembrance to us.
              It's good to know my husband had this dream and that it got through.   I think he may need the encouragement.  Christian faith does not always leave room for the possibility of positive visitation from those we love, but of course, they should know, that with God, all things are possible.


Lead Vocal:   Christine Dente of "Out of the Grey"
 

Thoughts On Bereavement in Marriage

         In the last three years I have spoken many times about the effects on bereavement and the loss of a child on a family, but I have never directly tackled and discussed the effects of the loss of a child on a marriage. This choice was motivated by a number of things.  The first is that I think we owe our spouses, and even former spouses, privacy from disclosing their darkest days and moments to the rest of the world. Sometimes a little less sharing of life's horrors, particularly as they effect your loved ones, is in order.  Until our spouse makes sense of what happened and can move beyond it, we owe them this time, unencumbered by eyewitness blog reports as to our estimation of their despair and/or resiliency.   Secondly, adults, and men and women process grief and loss very differently.  It's socially acceptable for me to cry and grieve, and talk to everyone I know, and even create a blog.  A man, however unfairly,  is expected to visibly grieve through a funeral and then move on and continue to earn a living, while not mentioning his loss and grief to clients, employers or anything else that might indicate how lost or how sad he might really be.  Third, spouses move through grief very differently, and often they do not understand one another in their grief.   I might be confused as to why my husband might be appearing to do well three months after our loss while I might not be.  My husband might be confused as to why I don't want to vacation, or why I cry often.  Unfortunately, the loss of a child is a major marital stressor, and without good communication, it can signal nails in the coffin of even a healthy marriage.   Following the loss of a child, there are many feelings, including guilt and blame, and it's easy to become confused.
          Our own survival in our marriage probably resulted from a number of things.  First, my husband and I are very different people, and this was known to us long before we were challenged by Daniel's sudden departure for Heaven.  I consist of connections and friends, conversations and words, cards, letters and blogs. I am a "verbal gerbil" and I cope with most things by talking about my feelings, as many women do.   My husband is a fact and number man.  His private thoughts are that "the thing wrong with most marriages is communication..........that is TOO MUCH communication !".   He is quite happy sitting and feeling, without having to explain what is occurring, as is the case with many men.  So after Daniel's passing, we knew that our responses would be very different, as we navigated the most terrible of experiences to happen to parents. He knew I would chatter, and I knew he would probably not, and so we entered the experience with more realistic expectations.   Secondly, we were blessed in some ways by doing CPR together on Daniel.  We found him together, we worked on him together. We were in shock together, and ultimately that day, we lost him together, when the medical helicopter staff pronounced Daniel dead in our home.   I remember two things very clearly that day.  One, was that my husband was supporting me as I did the best CPR of my life. He did not judge me, and he did not blame me, and he knew I did my best.  The second thing I remember really well is that after Daniel was pronounced, some time after the initial call and our CPR, the sheriff's office CPR and ultimately, care by the helicopter ICU,  was that I wanted to cry and wail.   I looked at my husband, and I decided to wait.  He too had lost his beloved son that day, and perhaps he could not take seeing his wife melt into a lost ball as well.  I waited a couple of days for the privacy to cry so hard I couldn't catch my breath.  I remember that my husband loved Daniel as much as I, and that we both lost him to Heaven that day.   These things made it easier as the testier, sadder days came at intervals in the year which followed.
           In marriage, some days you are in love, other days you are annoyed, a few days you are indifferent, and grief accentuates all of this.  What's important is that you and your spouse understand this, and know that the important thing is to live to cycle another day, when happiness and joy together will eventually return regardless of the loss you have endured.  Certainly, counseling is a positive thing for many. I also believe that the timing of such is important.  Counseling too early in the course of grief might not be as helpful as later, and counseling too late may not be as helpful.  Each couple must decide what they need to do, and how they can best support each other.  This is tough when you are a hairs breadth some days from wondering if you wish you'd died rather than Daniel.   Know that you will come through this. You may be war torn, with more grays, and less sure of yourself afterward, but you and your marriage will come through this.

         The song selection I have chosen today is written and performed by Steven Curtis Chapman.  He and his wife know a fair bit about loss and grief, as their youngest daughter died in an accident also in 2008 a few months before Daniel's passing.   This song was written years before that, but it shows something about the commitment and strength that must be there before we all face life's hardesr trials.