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Saturday, January 16, 2010
It has now been one year, one month, seventeen days, fourteen hours or so since you passed to Heaven. Sometimes it feels very long ago, and other times, it feels a brief time ago. At all times, it feels as if you are not far away, and that you are amused sometimes at things that happen here. It feels as if you, and God watch carefully.
As you well know, we stopped fostering to adopt when you were small because the last child we brought to our home was very aggressive and tried to injure you. It was, of course, our first obligation to keep you safe, and so the social workers watching the placement, placed the other boy in a home which was more appropriate for him. Daniel, you always believed that we should try again, and try to provide a loving, ultimately permanent home to a boy who had not been as fortunate as you. I know I resisted. I could not risk anything happening to you. How ironic, that God quietly called you, not by the hand of anyone, but simply called by His own.
As you know, after your passing, it did not take long to update our homestudy. We knew that this had been important to you, and darling you know that anything you were interested in, is a passion for me now. Of course, you know that no one can ever replace anyone, in our hearts, minds or in our souls, but I hear your voice in my heart sometimes telling me that when we are ready that someone needs a place in our home, and I do so wish to please God and please you, in thanks for what a wonderful son you have been and in consideration for twelve and a half wonderful years with you. I know it will be hard. A new child will not have known the love you had or have had the nurturance you did. I know he may be bitter and cynical, and rightfully so. I also know that there is always a possibility the placement will not work, but I will try, and try my best, as will your Dad and your siblings.
As you know, we asked for and were approved for a child 2-13, hoping that a younger one would come our way. Of course, the predominance of children available were closer to the age you were when you departed Earth. We were matched last year with a boy of 13, who is clearly not like you, but would unquestionably have been a friend of yours had you met him under different circumstances. The reality is, that the best course of events, after your three older siblings went to college, is that this boy could have been adopted, and at nine months older than you, the two of you could have been raised together. This would have benefitted both him and you, but that was not to be.
In this timeline, you will remain in Heaven, and I will continue to love, speak of you, and talk to you, and this new boy will join us, and do the things on Earth, many of which we would have done with you, had you still been here. Your loss will be felt by him also, I am sure. Feel free to join us anytime you think you would like to watch or enjoy whatever we are doing. I can feel you with me, and although I miss your beautiful flesh suit, I know your spirit is only rarely far away from me. I promise you, I will do my very best to help this boy, whom I will call James for purposes of this blog, in order to protect his privacy. Dad and I will help him to become the best James that he can be. I know he is not you, and I will work hard not to try to expect him to be. Please send love to Papa L. and Jesus. I love you all so.