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| Nikolas (Copyright J. Krehbiel) In this particular picture, Nikolas resembles Daniel a bit at this age. |
I thought a lot about Daniel in the past couple of weeks. Within the last couple of weeks, Daniel's only sister, who is a Type I (juvenile) diabetic gave birth to her first child. It was a challenging pregnancy, labor and birth, and many times I found myself mulling over the unfairness of my having lost Daniel without warning, and then still contending with the known issues of Type I diabetes in my daughter, and Crohn's Disease in one of my other sons. Both of them are now adults who have completed university. Daniel's brother Matthew, who was a preemie is now grown, well and at college. Of course, life is never purported to be fair. However, I don't think my daughter at any time was feeling unlucky. At no time during her pregnancy did she express discontentment at the part Type I diabetes would play in it. She maintained her blood sugars within the normal range using an insulin pump, as she has done since age 12. (She got IDDM at age 9 and started the insulin pump at age 12) Somehow, she was allowed to labor for almost three days and to deliver vaginally as she had wanted. She and the baby were in the hospital for a bit more than a week afterward and I did private duty nursing for them for the entire time. (Yes, Nana looks tired.) I am so incredibly proud of her. She kept uncommon grace, focus and strength throughout the entire process.
I heard echoes of Daniel throughout the experience. It was a very different experience from my own rapid labor and delivery with Daniel, who was my last child, and yet I was still playing his birth in my mind. This also occurred at the same major university medical center where Daniel's autopsy was initially performed and so Daniel slipped in an out of my thoughts while we were there. When I stood in the early hours of the morning with his parents, as my grandson was born, I imagined that both my father and Daniel were on both sides of me standing there, and there was just enough room in that space for that to have occurred !
My grandson Nikolas shares Daniel's middle name, which was Nicholas, and although Nikolas is a shiny new soul, I could not help but notice a family resemblance. The picture I have included of Nikolas could easily have passed as a picture of Daniel taken at birth, with about the same expression.
Daniel and Dad, I know that if the veil between us is thin, and if you could have been there, you were. Congratulations Daniel, on being an uncle, and Dad, congrats on being a great grandfather. If Heaven lies over top of the Earth, then we really aren't that far from one another, in the bad times, or in the really good ones either. I thank the rest of you for the thoughts and prayers through this challenging time for my daughter, Daniel's beloved sister.
Jane - Many, many congratulations to you, and your daughter and her family, on the safe arrival of Nikolas. May he bring you all much joy over the years ahead.
ReplyDeleteThank you Dani. It's great to have you here and we are most appreciative of the good wishes and prayers.
DeleteWhen I first saw Nikolas's face, I thought: "Wow. Cesarean births allow their faces to look so fresh and at ease." Then you said it was a vaginal birth! Obviously she and Nikolas had more help than those who were visibly around her!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lotta Joy. He really does look well, but I think that part of it is that he was only 6 lbs 6 oz. and then lost 10% of his total body weight over the next week or so. We are working to put that back through both her breast feeding, and then supplementing using formula by me as per her pediatrician.
DeleteI like the way you say "Daniel became an uncle." I was showing a guy around Memphis and drove to my mother's neighborhood just to see the house. I said rather sorrowfully, "This is my mother's house." He exploded and told me my mother was dead, that was someone else's house now. He stunned me with his loud voice and unnerved by his telling me how I should think. I like the way you think and express the relationships.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was surprised my son did not look like other newborn babies in the nursery. Even the nurses thought his head looked nicely shaped right after birth.
That is a sweet looking baby. Congratulations.
Linda,
DeleteThank you for the lovely comments and the Congratulations.
One of the ways I have come to terms with Daniel's departure from the Earth is my understanding that matter is neither created or destroyed, it simply changes form. I also believe that God wastes nothing, including our consciousness. I know that Daniel no longer occupies a flesh suit here in my home, but I believe that he does exist and that he flourishes elsewhere, and this seems to be borne out in my dreams. Even though Daniel is not here, our love for him and our relationships does not change. Death just cannot change what was so real in life. Perhaps this is truly the meaning of first Corinthians, where it says, (paraphrasing here) that love is the only thing that is eternal and that it never gives up and does not change.
Daniel is well-loved, so he will never pass from your hearts.
DeleteJane, congratulations on your beautiful little grandson!! I bet you are in awe of this little bundle of joy. However, we always have some sadness with each joy don't we? I picture Daniel as a very involved uncle if he were physically here. And yet we still know he is with you all, and I still picture him being quite involved and watching over little Nikolas. Best wishes to you all!! Donna
ReplyDeleteThank you, Donna ! Yes, there is joy which is always tinged with some sadness, and yet we are here and must continue. Love to you, the family, and to Craig.
DeleteWhat a beautiful baby! I wish Nikolas could meet and play with Uncle Daniel. My daughter, too, is pregnant now. I have such mixed feelings about having a grandchild who will never meet or know Uncle Graham. Also, knowing that Graham will never have the delight and pleasure of being an uncle and of being a father is so difficult.
ReplyDeleteI understand. The last time someone in our family had a baby, it was Daniel. So much of this birth took me back to those moments as it it were yesterday. It was bittersweet in ways I didn't wish to share with my daughter. Interestingly, she was thinking the same things as I as we both shed a tear or two.
DeleteA few things helped me in the last couple of weeks which I will share with you.
Nikolas in some ways is similar to Daniel, and somehow this tells me that before Nikolas made the trip to live a life here, that he and Daniel did spend time together.
Also, although I am still periodically saddened that Daniel will not be playing the physical role of uncle or will not be a physical father, we don't know much about Heaven. Perhaps children who never knew a parent will be parented in Heaven by Daniel and a young woman whose life was cut short on Earth. I have to believe that God knows how wonderful Daniel, and how wonderful Graham is, and that he will continue their growth on a new plane.
Love to you and yours. May your daughter and her baby With love, have an easy and safe journey. With love,
Today I thought so much of you just as other times. . It brought me to your blog. I have missed so much. You and your family has been blessed with this precious little one. Congrats to you all.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lara !
DeleteI hope your family is enjoying the holiday season, and adapting to the "new normal" which plagues all of us who miss one or more of our family members.
Thank you for your post and encouraging words.