Perhaps an Answer

                

 

      Any parent who loses a child here on Earth carries a certain amount of insensible guilt.  God gives us a child, and our first obligation is to try to keep that child safe in a world that is full of hazards, at almost every age. The challenge, which is to love, educate and teach that child not only to live in the world but to flourish in it, is a large one.  So, we look for the best schools, the best churches and the best doctors, and even then sometimes, we miss something, or something somewhere goes awry.

             I remember the day Daniel died as if it were yesterday. One moment my extremely bright youngest son was talking to me, and the next moment, I heard a crash in the bathroom. I found him in a full cardiac arrest, and I began CPR. I asked other family members to call 911 and ask for the medical helicopter for a child in a full cardiac arrest. I remember wondering what could possibly have done this to my healthy child who'd had a clean physical just a couple of weeks before.

            Despite the sheriff's office using the AED and a very competent team of professionals from the helicopter, we were not able to restart Daniel's heart at any point during his code.  This has always bothered me because I have been lucky.  In the hospital setting or outside it, I have never had a patient who received immediate CPR for a witnessed cardiac arrest, not respond. (Although in all honesty, I might have gotten them back only to have them die later that day.)  It has always bothered me that Daniel did not respond in any way to the CPR. It was as if he were gone when he hit the floor.

           As longstanding readers will recall, initially his autopsy was very good. His coronary arteries were as clean as a whistle, which is not true of a number of 12 1/2 year old American children. His brain was normal, although they were some incidental findings that did not cause death. Pathologists were left with a healthy child who was clearly dead.  Daniel was made a teaching patient, and different pathology teams at a world class teaching hospital each took a crack and what might have happened.  Because Daniel had entered the bathroom, vomited, collapsed and fallen forward, the pathologists felt that this had likely been a sudden arrhythmic death, which is basically a spontaneous disruption of heart rhythm of unknown cause.  While toxicology was sent, the doctors used the time to question our family on other cardiac or arrhythmic deaths among our relatives, or other arrhythmic disorders among those who remained living. I shared that we had a fair amount of atrial fibrillation among the over age seventy members of the family, although no one we knew had died in the manner of Daniel.   Eventually, because sudden arrhythmic death syndrome or the other diagnosis SUDC, which is sudden unexplained death in childhood, are disorders from a functional problem not a structural one, and nothing of any interest was yielded from toxicology, Daniel's passing was attributed to a sudden cardiac arrest of uncertain etiology, or cause. His DNA and other samples were sent to the Mayo Clinic who was studying whether he might have one of the many identified familial causes sudden cardiac arrest. Some of these are Brugada Syndrome, Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome, Long QT Syndrome, Short QT Syndrome, etc.  A long time afterward, Mayo Clinic communicated that Daniel did not show evidence of any of the familial arrhythmic syndromes that could be identified from DNA samples at that time.  Perhaps he had a syndrome that has not yet been identified, they speculated. (Of course, this began the odyssey of having our remaining children examined and having a preventive cardiac ablation done on one of them.)

          Fourteen years later, I am still left with the feeling that I have missed something, and that this is somehow my fault, even to some small degree.  Since then, some clues have emerged within the remaining family.  There are family members who have erythropoietic protoporphyria (EPP), some with Crohn's Disease and one with cystic fibrosis.  All of these disorders are associated with, or can lead to a Vitamin D deficiency.  Interestingly, even as a young person, I have been found to have a very low Vitamin D level at intervals. I have also been fairly resistant to having this corrected, requiring relatively large amounts given over a long period of time before it is corrected.  How could this be ? I have asked.  The answer I get is that some people lack the enzyme to manufacture Vitamin D from sunlight and cholesterol.  No one asked whether this could have been a familial issue.  Even if it had been, there had not been an association between low Vitamin D levels and sudden arrhythmic death. However, there is now.

            Recent studies have shown that people, including children with low Vitamin D levels have a much higher rate of dying from a sudden episode of arrhythmic death.  If Daniel had a familial tendency to have low Vitamin D, coupled with a missing enzyme in order to make Vitamin D from sunlight, could this be the missing part of the puzzle ?   Physicians do not routinely test for Vitamin D levels, and they don't often check in children. There was no known reason to check, and at the time, no known association with sudden arrhythmic death. It is only now that we know from several recent studies that low Vitamin D is associated with ionic channel disorders which can lead to sudden alterations in the EKG such as the QT interval.  

             For those of you who have a medical or personal interest in this, this is one of the authoritative articles, which I believe is the easiest to understand.

 

 https://journals.viamedica.pl/kardiologia_polska/article/download/82363/61698

 

             When Daniel died, we had not had history with other family members that indicated that we were all Vitamin D deficient.  We all took vitamins, except for Daniel who wouldn't swallow pills and was not sold on taking his chewable Flintstone's vitamin daily.   I do so wish I had known this.  In 2008, physicians did not suspect that any of us were low in Vitamin D, and perhaps they didn't even know of familial Vitamin D use disorders.

             It is my hope that this post reaches someone that it may help.  Some of us persist in having low vitamin D levels even when supplemented, and this may require regular monitoring as well as prescription amounts of this vitamin.  To simply blindly replace Vitamin D without proper monitoring may be equally dangerous.   If you suspect this is an issue for your family, please see your doctor and ask for a Vitamin D blood test.

 

 

An Update on Daniel's Cat "Tosh"

        

 

     The original post concerning "Daniel's cat" Tosh, was written thirteen years ago tomorrow.

 Tosh is now a mature cat, still has occasional respiratory allergies and is doing very well.

 

 

 As you may remember, the last thing Daniel and I spoke about before his passing was a cat. We spent the prior day, Thanksgiving with my eldest son Adam's fiancee and her family, and they had a remarkable cat named MacIntosh, which they call Mackie. Mackie had been rescued by Adam's fiancee's sister and myself from the inner workings of a new car at the Post Office. I had been unsuccessful and Adam came with tools and the owner of the car was gracious enough to let him remove and reattach parts in order to save the little cat. Despite his cat allergy, Daniel became quite attached to MacIntosh and took Claritin in order to play with him. Of course, I had to turn down Daniel's request for his own cat. He accepted this, due to his allergies, and a moment later, he went into the bathroom, and passed away.
Yes, those of you who attended Daniel's "Celebration of Life" saw a cat in a carrier politely and seriously enduring his funeral, and that was MacIntosh.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend of Daniel's and mine, gave us a kitten. It is a cat that resembles MacIntosh a great deal. This cat will be raised as "Daniel's cat" and will be loved and cared for. Eventually, when his full life is complete, he will pass and become Daniel's very own cat. Meanwhile, "Daniel's cat" is bringing great joy here. He is named MacIntosh II, or "Tosh" for short. This cat is similar, though not identical to MacIntosh the First in appearance, and I think is a bit more active and perhaps more of a mouser.

A Culture in Decline

               

 

         Some years ago, our family lived in a lovely neighborhood in a Virginia suburb. We had four large bedrooms, a full finished basement, an acre lot, and it was an ideal home for homeschooling.  It also had the benefit of having been my in-laws home. When they had died in their fifties, and my husband had inherited a quarter of the home, he financed the remainder and bought his siblings out. My in-laws would have been happy to know that their grandchildren would be growing up there. This enabled us to have the space we needed to raise our family without a high mortgage.  Daniel was born while we lived in this lovely home.

                  Although we lived there for a few years, our disillusionment with the area began fairly quickly. It was a good neighborhood, but almost immediately, strange things happened, that had not been happening in the neighborhood our last house had been, even in the same county. At our new colonial, children would show up during the school day and tell us that their mother had said that if they were ever sent home from school sick that they were to come to our house, because we were the only home where someone was home during the day. We wouldn't have minded this had a prior arrangement been made, but we had no idea who these children or their parents were, and we had intended to go to a dental appointment one of those days.  We became aware of a number of homes where domestic issues were common. We also had a schizophrenic man come to the door one day claiming that "People in the neighborhood wanted him dead".  Once, a beautiful mailbox flag I had hanging beneath the mailbox was shredded, most likely with scissors.  As time passed, there were more and more feral children running through the neighborhood, seemingly without any sense or supervision.

                When Daniel was one, we bought large acreage in another part of the state, built a smaller home than we had in the suburbs, and moved. We wanted the children to have the opportunity to have livestock, and to gather skills that are most often learned in rural environments.  We also wished to head off their becoming good consumers, which had already been happening.

                 Our children thrived both academically and socially in an intensely rural environment, and I know we did the right thing.

                 Tonight I am sad to learn that in the very same neighborhood with the beautiful colonial where we once lived, that there has been a mass shooting. According to police, there was a party where there was a fight. Police were called, but while they were en route someone was shot. Many were shot and at least one has died. At least four different weapons were fired during this altercation.  Someone was killed on the very same road in which my children rode their bikes when fairly young.

                 The problem is not firearms, just as collecting all the steak knives, hammers and tire irons wouldn't change it. The problem is a culture in decline. The problem is that no one is home to raise children. Mothers are working, parents are divorcing, and day care centers can't be parents to children.  Children are growing up to have no acquisition of empathy, and are connected only to a violent and vicious peer group collective via phones or computers. The culture is annoyed by children, doesn't understand them, and does not defer pleasure to do what is right for them.  We saw this at the end of the nineties, and the shootings are simply a symptom of it.

                  Please pray for our nation and particularly for its children.

Happy Birthday, Daniel 2022

 

This is the posting to your twenty-sixth birthday. Somehow, we are almost fourteen years from the date of your sudden departure. We still miss you very much. Yesterday, your nephew lamented to your sister that he missed you. It seemed a ridiculous thing to say, even for a young child because he had never known you on Earth. However, you departed at the end of 2008, and he came to Earth in 2014, and so there may have been time between 2008 and 2014 for you and he to get to know one another. Perhaps he is telling the truth when he says this. Please know that no matter how long you have been gone from here that we still think of you daily and we miss you and Papa Lawrence. Sometimes, I allow my mind to drift and wonder what you would have done here on the Earth had you remained. There are a lot of situations on the Earth that have deteriorated since your departure, in politics, in medicine, in government, and in education. Sometimes, I am pleased you were spared some of this on the particularly bad days. You are always my son, and I always love you. Sometimes, when something momentous happens, like when I met your newest nephew for the first time, I feel your spirit beside me. I love you deeper than the oceans, and wider than the seas.

 

 

 

A Missing Month

             

                         Photograph taken by the Richmond Times Dispatch on Interstate 64 which has fallen trees on both sides of the highway.

 

   I hadn't meant the entire month of January to fly by without any postings anywhere, and yet this is exactly what has happened.  The entire family caught a non-COVID influenza like illness which felled everyone like trees just after Christmas.  Just after, an unexpected storm with very wet snow and ice occurred overnight causing actually trees of all kinds to break wiping out everything from power lines to telephonic pedestal boxes and rupturing the actual roofing of many.  The result was a bit more than a week without electricity, and a bit more than two additional weeks without landline phone, cellular phone and internet.  A couple of additional storms made both restoration and getting out again less likely.

                  We pumped water for ourselves and the farm animals using the generator, and we ran the generator for a few hours each day, but shortages of diesel and propane meant that we could not run anything for very long.  In addition, shortages of hay for horses, dog and cat food make life difficult for us when we did get out again.

                Please check on your family and friends in the American Southeast.  This has been an uncommonly cold and difficult early Winter, even without the complications of supply line disruptions and fears for COVID.

                 Frankly, I'm glad Daniel missed this month here on Earth !

Fourteen Christmases

         

                                                        Rendering by Miles Kimball

 

 

   Today is the fourteen Christmas that Daniel has missed, since his sudden departure, the day after Thanksgiving in 2008.  Sometimes, it seems a very long time ago, because so much has happened within the family since, and then sometimes, it seems just a short time ago because nothing has ever been quite right in the world since.

            Daniel, this might be the first year that I actually have some relief that you were called Home ahead.  In the US, we have had what looks to be a fraudulent presidential election, leaving an incompetent, if not demented leader. The vice president also has exceptionally poor judgment. Third in line is Speaker Pelosi, who is bitter, alcoholic and at the very least, self centered. On at least some levels I am relieved that you have not known working or getting an advanced degree during an exaggerated pandemic. I am glad you are spared having to get a rushed-to-market vaccination which has caused thrombocytopenia, deep vein thrombosis, myocarditis and deaths, and immune system dysfunctions. Four people we know died from the injections and only one person we know died from the COVID-19 pneumonia, or so we have been told.

            Camellia the alpaca is still here on the farm.  Your siblings and still doing the best they can. We are dealing with our challenges here at home with various levels of success.  Please know we think of you and my Dad daily, and that you remain a part of our lives. You are still a part of our Christmases.

             With best Christmas wishes and love,

    Mom

Thirteen Years

             

 

 

          Last night I made your favorite dessert.  You know, it's the one I only make on Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It's the one with the layer of melted neufchatel cheese (low fat cream cheese) mixed with cool whip, then topped with chocolate pudding, and then with a layer of chocolate pudding mixed with cool whip also, and then chilled and served in squares, a bit like cheesecake blocks. This year, I grated dark chocolate on top. This year, I remembered to add a tablespoon of lemon juice to the neufchatel cheese. It makes a nice difference.  I think it's become a remembrance dessert of the times we spent together, while you were still here.  It's a good thing I don't make this often, because since you are in Heaven, I ate your portion. Forgive me.

              I know you are safe in Heaven. I know that you are learning things I could not have hoped to teach you while we were here together. This year, I will even admit to being a little relieved that you aren't on Earth to do battle with COVID-19 and some of the ridiculous requirements universities, governments and  some employers have placed on people.  You probably know this, but the "for emergency use only" injections for it, killed some of the people we knew.  Some of your friends have also had to get it in order to continue studying for their advanced degrees.

               Camellia, the alpaca, is now the only animal on the farm who knew you personally.  All the other animals who knew you have died, in the thirteen years since your rushed departure from here. She is well, but she too is nearing life expectancy.  I imagine you will be there for her when she makes her way to her permanent heavenly home with the others. Thank you for that. I hope the other animals are with you and my Dad.

               I love you so.  You are still one of the greatest joys of my life. We still laugh about things you said, and I still relate your wisdoms and words to people online, or to people who knew you.  I still clearly remember all our little moments together.  I still remember when we went to the political fundraiser and had to go on a hayride to do it. I had heels on and I nearly fell while getting off.  You were watching and you steadied me.  I think your steadying me is probably a metaphor for our lives together here on Earth.

               I know you are with my Dad and I know you have access to the ancestors, and that there are some remarkable people there with you. I know that your faith has always been strong.  I will always love you, wider than the oceans, and deeper than the seas, even though for these years, we remain physically parted.

 

 

 

 

There is Still Magic Remaining in This Time of Year

 

                                           Daniel's newest nephew

 

 

Daniel, 

 

 I know that you know that this week, it will have been thirteen years since you so quickly departed, the morning of the day after Thanksgiving. I still think of you every day, and wonder what your soul is doing, what you are thinking, and how free you are of concerns for yourself, those with you, and for those of us who are left on what is quite often, the cruel Earth. I do want to share some happy news with you though. Your eldest brother, who was the only one of us not to be at the house, when you passed, who came back so quickly that day, realizes how hard life without you has been, most especially for me. When he married, he and his wife did so, this very week, to help give another meaning to the week that will live in infamy for the rest of our lives.

 This week, their second child was born, a little boy. Now, it will be the week of Thanksgiving, the week you were called to Heaven, the week your brother and his wife were married, and the week your second nephew was born. I am told he is muscular and active, just as you were. I wish that you and my Dad were still on Earth, and I do miss you both, and I suspect I always will, but in cosmic terms, I am just an infant. I don't know why God called my Dad, and then in thirty Earth days called you home also. I know that everything that happens has purpose and reason, but I don't always have to like it. Happy Thanksgiving. I love you and Dad more than you will ever know.

 

 

 

Yul Moldauer Will Represent the US in the Olympics !

              

                                                                   Yul Moldauer

 

        Some years ago, Daniel and our family were acquainted with Yul Moldauer and his family.  In fact, when Daniel died, Yul's mom Orsa flew out here to help.  Yul and Daniel were born in the same year.  It is for this reason that we are very, very pleased to see that Yul will be representing the United States in men's gymnastics at the Olympics.  A great deal of Yul's life has been spent perfecting these very important gymnastic skills, and the entire family,  Mom, Dad, both sisters and brother made sacrifices so that this journey for the family could continue. This is a wonderful achievement for their entire family!  For this reason, Yul and his entire family remain in our prayers at this time.  I'm sure Daniel himself will be watching.  Good luck, Yul !

 

 

 

 

 

Days of Daylillies

 

 

 Dearest Daniel,

 

             This past week I was at the medical center with your nephew for some doctor's appointments, and we were early and so we waited some time. We were positioned near the area where patients and their families were to check in and give the staff their insurance cards and dates of birth.  I was in awe of the fact that so many of the really tall young men had birthdates very very near the date of your own departure from Earth.  To me, your departure and the departure of my dad are momentous life redefining events, which actually seem recent to me. It's almost as if it were about three years ago. The fact that it is the thirteenth year since your departure, and that some teens at thirteen are six feet tall is momentarily confusing to me.  I know you would be twenty-five now, but my heart, not having seen you in the flesh since 2008, tends to think of the intelligent and funny soul you were then, and not the adult you would now be. You would think my heart would take the hint now that your best friend is married. 

            Other than that, the farm remains here, and we remain on it. The animals remain here. We still have lots of dogs, sheep, the horses,chickens, and Cammie the alpaca who knew you is still here. It is one of those summers where the daylillies are so numerous that you can't possibly rescue all the flowers that grow beside the trail, in advance of the road department's mowers. I am transferring them to flower beds as quickly as I can, even in the extreme heat. It is the kind of year where the sumacs and mimosas grow faster than is healthy for them. The forest is conspiring to take over the parts of the farm we have worked so hard to keep in lawn or pasture. The road that goes back to the barns has a canopy over it, as trees from both sides lead to each other. The vegetables we planted though are drying out. They have had plenty of water but somehow too much sun.

             The Earth remains a crazy place, and not as golden or as interesting a place since your own departure.  You are loved, and your memory and my Dad's remain alive and kicking.