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Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A Song with Dad
In the beginning of our losses of 2008, when I began to have dreams in which I spoke to and received information first from my Dad, and then from Daniel, I believed at first, as a scientist, even one with faith in God intact, that these were self generated. I believed that my grief was so great that I created a world in dream in which we could continue to connect based on what I knew about their personalities and likes and dislikes while they were on Earth. Since I chose not to take any medications following their passage, this aberration in dream, I believed to be a tolerable coping mechanism, and as a nurse, we are not to take a coping mechanism from someone without anything to replace it.
When things outside dream began to occur,I questioned my sanity and learned from a psychiatrist that I am not only quite sane, because others have experienced the same things as I, but I learned that I am rare. I am rare, they said, because I am so honest about it. What is to lose ? I have already lost my Dad and beloved son Daniel, and many others here from Earth. Why do I really care, if privately, other people, other professors, think I am a sandwich short of a picnic basket ? That I am altered and damaged by my grief? I don't really. I believe that somehow, in reading my musings, others may recognize things I have said and realize that they also are not alone. We are inextricably linked in incredible ways to those who love us who pass. They watch us, and remain able to communicate with us, if in fact, it is deemed positive for us for them to do so. I apparently, need a lot of communication and encouragement in this part of my life, and so, for the most part, I receive it. It's also part of God's unending love and grace. No matter how bad the going gets here on our missions to Earth, God never leaves us, never turns his back and never ceases to care. He will always be joyous on our return home to Him.
Of course, those of you who read the blog from the beginning know that apparently, I was not creating this communication point in dreams. We know now that I (and other family members) have received verifiable factual information about things of which we could not have known, without information from Dad and from Daniel. Most notably, detailed information from Daniel about his autopsy, and information from Dad as to the location of the bolt to his rifle, and the location of certain papers needed to complete the settling of his estate.
In a recent post, I had wondered why, since this months diagnosis of Lyme Disease, I had not heard from Dad or Daniel. I wondered if Lyme disrupted REM sleep when I believe we communicate, or whether Dad and Dan have have moved higher, or somewhere where I cannot hear them as readily in dream. I always wonder if, since I do not control our interactions in dream, if all our after passing communications are over. I have wondered if our "clear channel" is a "limited time only" gift from God to ease the pain of their passing, and that ultimately God will say......." You know I have them here and that all is well, now go finish your own work, and we will all see you later." I am happy to say that this has not happened yet.
Last night I had a difficult time with the joint pain. My shoulders and knees are worse again, and my sleep is frequently interrupted at the moment. I am not resting well. Despite this strife, I did however, hear from Dad. We were standing together singing the "Star Spangled Banner". I could hear his voice and mine as we sang. I know this was signficant and is telling me something, but I do not yet know what or why. It will take time to have this unfold. I also learned something else..... My father had a best friend from whom he became estranged some years before Dad's passing. When my parents divorced, it created strife within a number of married couples, the wife who sided with my mother, and the husband who felt loyalty to my father. I will call this couple, for blog purposes, Michael and Vivienne. My father withdrew from his best friend Michael, to allow my mother to continue to receive support from Michael, and his friend's wife Vivienne, who was my mother's dearest friend as we were growing up. I am not in touch with them now and haven't been since about 2006.
Last night, I learned from my Dad that his friend Michael, has Alzheimer's, or some other type of dementia, and could use help particularly with something concerning his home. I don't yet know whether I am being asked to do something in this regard, or whether this is an explanation as to what Dad is doing presently. I also was told that Michael's time for passing is coming soon, and that his family and friends are near him. I know from the clarity of the dream and from my father's presence that this is communication and not just random dreaming. Interestingly, there was no mention of Vivienne, or of their long grown children.