Overnight we received two inches of heavy wet snow, a lot like the snow that pummeled us a bit more than a week ago. It's unusual here to have snow like this, especially so late in the season, with the daffodils blooming, and the crocuses past. It is the kind of bone chilling cold we do not often have here. Despite having the gas logs going, I am still cold, as I suspect all the hot air has actually risen beyond my own five feet and six inches. This is the kind of day spent simply catching up. I updated my calendar. Made a couple of appointments via the phone. I e-mailed a few things. It's when it's quiet and still like this, that I miss Daniel the most. Oh, if that dark day had never happened ! If only Daniel has remained on Earth. We would still have adopted James. The two of them could have grown up together. Later this year, it will be five years since his passing. There is still the empty place in me that used to laugh so, at everything he did. There is still the part of my heart that used to stand in awe when I listened to his quick vocabulary, and his humor. That part of my heart lies flaccid now. It has all but atrophied now. I don't mean that my other children aren't funny sometimes, or a joy to have with me, because they are. It's that I miss what is distinctly Daniel. I miss seeing his growth, his amusement. I miss seeing him find his way in the world. My heart beats more slowly, and more sadly, and sometimes more sweetly, as I remember.
|It's certainly emptier here without the unbridled joy of Daniel|