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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Do Some People Know ?
Daniel at about four
I have heard from many parents that they somehow felt differently toward a child who eventually dies. Many of them relate a feeling that he or she was somehow more fragile, or time limited in some way. Some actually had premonitions of what might happen to them.
I have declined to comment until now, because I have not been sure about Daniel in this regard.
Certainly, I was concerned for him, and for that matter, all of my children, because my father was dying, and passed 31 days before Daniel did. I felt a desire to spend time with Daniel, the youngest, and to be close to him, and we did go out several times and I had occasion to spoil him a little. I had a subconcious feeling that we needed to be close, but my conscious feelings were that he was ok, otherwise I would have run him to our world class medical center west of here in a heartbeat.
Just after his passing I felt a lot of guilt. Some nurse I am ! I thought. I missed something really big to have my child die in front of me and be powerless to stop whatever process it was.
However, in the six months which have passed, several autopsy teams have tried to pin down what happened from brain, blood, liver and organ samples they have kept. We know a number of things from autopsy, but none of these things should have caused his death. We are left with, "Well if you can't find what killed him, maybe he's still alive" (Irrational, yes, I know) The pathologists are as confused as we are. Most world specialists the team consulted, think that the pineal cyst (in his brain) which did not rupture or bleed was not large enough to have caused his death. He did not have Reye's syndrome (which apparently rare cases who did NOT have aspirin can still occur) They are currently considering something called dysautonomia which they feel could have been activated by a virus. They still cling to the theory that Daniel had a lethal arrhythmia---cause unknown. His heart had no signs of coronary artery disease, even though many children in the US, do. All of his toxicology and labs have been negative, although some labs indicate he had a viral syndrome that none of us knew about. Certainly, if the doctors can't tell what took him, then I may not have been able to detect much beforehand !
We also found a video on Daniel's computer recently which showed Dan and his brothers doing a comical rap song about a week before he died. They had planned to upload this to Youtube. Daniel looked the picture of health and absolutely radiant and animated in the video. We have decided not to post this anywhere.
Daniel was happily focused on a future where when he was old enough he would go to the university (probably a little early). He wanted to study something called Kinetic Studies and produce animations for entertainment and educational purposes. He was already very good at this. He also accepted that he would someday be someones husband and someones father.
I do remember though, many years ago, I used to ask all my children when they were very small, 3 or 4, what they would be when they grew up. (It was a way of growing their imaginations.) Daniel was extremely bright and had quite a sense of humor and would answer my questions differently each time. (Sometimes he would say he wanted to be "the pastry chef" so he could taste everything) One time though, I remember asking asking him what he would do for a living. He answered, "Absolutely nothing". I said to him well, you'll have to do something to support yourself when you grow up, and get married and have children. He said somewhat happily, "Oh, I'm not going to do that. I am going to stay with you, always." It upset me, even at that moment, and I told him that I would not live forever, and that he would have to build a life independently of me when he grew up. He said he didn't need to, and that he would be with me, wherever I was, always. Of course, his comments all changed when the same questions were asked of him later.
Whether Daniel as a very young child had a special perspective on his purpose for being here.....eating strawberries, loving his Mom, Dad, brothers, sister, animals, and showing God's love to others or whether he was simply a young child tired of his mother's silly questions about the future, I will never really know.
I know God was very generous in sending this remarkable soul to me as my youngest son. My conscious mind never expected to lose such a vibrant, active and happy soul.