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| Daniel, at about ten |
My eldest son, to my knowledge, has never been to this blog. I think he may be afraid of how he will feel and how sad he might be when he looks over so many stages of grief and so many thoughts following Daniel's departure. Each one of us copes a little differently, and this coping should be supported however we wish to proceed. My eldest son jokes sometimes, and says, "Are you working on your death blog ?" Since he hasn't been here he doesn't know that what we do here is only indirectly about passings. It is what we do after a great loss of someone we love, to use the time we have remaining, that really counts.
Somehow in the past three years since Daniel's departure to Heaven, I have managed to make 300 posts here. Some of them have been talking about the cascading feelings we have had following the untimely and unexpected passing of our youngest son. Sometimes we have discussed how each of us grieve differently and travel through different experiences in order to make sense of what has happened and move beyond those first days filled with grief. A few have discussed the challenges that losing a child presents. Sometimes we have discussed the dreams we have had where I feel......or I am SURE that my Dad and that Daniel talk to me, and encourage me, if not set out the paths before me, in order that I may make good decisions. Sometimes I have discussed how blindsided we can be by grief from simply hearing a song unexpectedly, or running into a friend of Daniel's when I am out. Sometimes, we have felt solidly within our new normal and have talked about how proud we are to have found and to be operational within it's confines. Also in the last three years, I have found time to educate our readers on matters of health, a few aspects of family preparedness, and to highlight the tragedy of how many children and teens still pass without warning from sudden cardiac death syndromes. We also shared a few observations and even a few insights concerning our adding to our family through adoption, as would have been Daniel's wish. We shared only what would have been comfortable for our newest son, we call James for the purpose of this blog. This year especially, we have also used this forum as a means of making our readership aware of at least three young adults who have been missing, while doing what young adults do, living a life while a college student. One of these young adults has been found safely, and we continue to pray for the safe location and return of both Ian Burnet, and also of Jonny Dorey. I have tried to make this blog, as much as possible, about hope and about faith as well. If one of these 300 posts has been a comfort or a help to you or your family in these past three years, then I am very pleased. It is in this small way that you too will see the generosity and the love we saw every day in the twelve and a half years in the life of Daniel.
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| Daffodils are the unmistakable sign of Spring in Virginia, and also an apparent sign from God that there should indeed be another year. |
UPDATE: For the sake of correctness I should say that my eldest son has now been to this blog.
It has always been such a wonder to me that we may have freedom of speech to write of our feelings, issues, and especially of our grief. For it helps in such difficult processes within the rebuilding of what has been destroyed or even taken away. I have read this blog since its inception, and have thought upon much of its subject throughout its 300 posts. From 'Pegasus at Christmas' to 'Ben Breedlove's Story', I have witnessed a journey and a navigation through one of the most difficult and terrifying processes we face during our time and growth upon this planet. Though as her eldest son, I cannot help but feel completely and wholly inadequate in my life and toilings within comparison to the future of what Daniel could have become. To parents whom have lost a child, the largest aspect of grief that they face is of the future that now will not be from the child that is now lost. Whilst some will disagree, I have seen this play a most miserable role to a grieving parent in the form of the thought game 'What if'. We as weak creatures cannot play this destructive game, as we cannot fully comprehend the great structure of happenings and consequences we are given from day to day. As sometimes we feel of the one we had lost. The "What If", coupled with the memory, among some belongings is all we have left. Though to the ones whom are left, we have just that as well. Only with one further element, striving. We strive to pick up a jaded future that we very much know and understand now to be with one less bright star. That bright star who could have had the cure for cancer meandering within their imagination. That bright star who could have written a song on our radio, dear in the hearts. That a couple sung throughout their 50 years of marriage. The bright star who could have solved one less of the many an issue we have upon this planet.
ReplyDeletePlease know that you have always been one of my life's greatest joys, as have your siblings, always and most especially following this loss. Please know that although a parent who has lost a child will grieve a lifetime, that their remaining children do not diminish in importance, but actually may be noticed to be more precious than before. Please know that nothing which happens in this life diminishes your importance to me. Daniel was many things, although I don't think he was cogitating on the cure to cancer. The challenge for all of us will to live the life we were each meant to live in rememberance of Daniel and his loss from Earth, however with joy because we had him with us. Much love to you always.
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