What Might Have Been

Most of the time I resist the temptation to wonder what life would be if God had graciously decided that day, almost three years ago now, to let Daniel return to us after CPR, and live a normal life, or perhaps even skipped his cardiac arrest due to unknown cause, entirely.
Sometimes though, I give in, as I did this week. Everyone in our family has been heavily impacted by Daniel's departure. I can't help wondering what life would be without Daniel's passing. What would we be doing ? What would Daniel be doing now had he remained on Earth ? For that matter, what would life be had my father not passed, and remained with us a few more years? Certainly, my father prepared me in little ways, all of my life for the day when he would pass before me. Other than conveying my absolute faith to Daniel, I hope that I somehow helped to prepare him for his passage to God ahead of mine. I still remember, as if it were last evening, what a hug from Daniel is like. When here on Earth he was a tall and muscular boy of 12 1/2. He still had soft skin as he did when he was small. I would like a hug now, and I would never let go. There is just no complete imagining of what his life, at now 15 would be like. Would we have adopted James? Would James and Daniel be comrades or at times, adversaries ? I can only imagine. Sometimes I realize that our grief has not come all that far, and that sometimes we still stand within the light of the shock and disbelief that our twelve year old son could have passed suddenly, and that even after autopsy, no one can truly tell us why, other than an educated guess.



This is a rare song, "I'm Still Not Over You" performed by Richard Carpenter, of "Carpenters" fame.




This is Richard Carpenter and his wife Mary. They have five children, (Kristi Lynn, Traci Tatum, Mindi Karen, Colin Paul, and Taylor Mary) a couple of which perform with their father on occasion.

Mary, Richard and one of their daughters, Mindi

This is Mindi Karen Carpenter, one of Richard and Mary's daughters.  She certainly resembles both of them.







This is an updated picture of their family

Our Own Legends of the Fall

Fall is a magical time here, yet confusing also since Daniel's passing. It is the time of year when so many of our relatives have passed, most expectedly. It is also the time when just two short years ago, Daniel was called from us without warning or explanation. All we have is suppositions of pathologists, educated guesses, thoughts, theories and questions. Perhaps if the entire obvious world dies away when Daniel departed, he can return somewhere to Earth when God magically activates the buds and flowers in Spring. It's hard not to think this way sometimes.
In reality, I still believe that Daniel resides with God and my Dad and that it wouldn't be much of a Heaven for him (or for that matter, for Dad) if he were not able to see and get news from home, and so I believe he does.
Some years ago our daughter began a correspondence with Irish musician John McGlynn. I had the pleasure of exchanging some e-mails with him also. He was the original male vocal lead in the Riverdance music. He is also a wonderful songwriter and musician in his own right, despite being a qualified architect. I did try to embed the music from MySpace for today but instead, please take a listen to one of John's songs, "I Know You Hear Me". The link is below. Daniel also enjoyed John's melodic music. He was fond of his solo CD "Songs for a Fallen Angel" and also of the music from Riverdance.

Find more artists like John McGlynn at MySpace Music

Scorching Summer Days

This may be the last candid photo ever taken of Daniel





It has been an uncharacteristically warm summer. Daniel's dog, Mark, the black labrador who was not expected to "make it through the winter" four years ago, continues to hang on. He lives in a barn room, with a flat screen tv, and an air conditioning, while we visit multiple times each day with food and water. The vet does not wish to euthanize him as long as we can continue his care and he is relatively pain free. It is an odd irony that my youngest son could not remain here while on Earth, while one of his beloved yet elderly dogs just won't leave us. I think that Mark's days will be over soon. He seems to enjoy eating and drinking less, and lost control of his back legs six months ago. It seems that Mark remains with us faithful to Daniel's family with the same commitment that we remain faithful to Daniel's wishes by continuing to give constant and faithful care to Mark. The vet is pleasantly flabbergasted that Mark is hanging in there so well.

Independence Week

I think most kids are patriotic and Daniel, when he resided on Earth, was certainly no exception. He enjoyed Independence Day each year as most kids do. We enjoyed the purchasing of fireworks for our annual dramatization of "the rockets red glare".
We ate watermelon, and the holiday staples hot dogs, hamburgers,with all the cole slaw, beans and the condiments we all enjoy. Daniel liked a plain hamburger with ketchup only. Once in a while, we would make a sponge or pound cake topped with cool whip and blueberries and strawberries, a red, white and blue treat. We had the annual placing of boards on the front yard, hosing them down to avoid sparks starting little fires elsewhere. Then at dark, my husband and eldest son Adam would light the fireworks one by one,using one of those gas torches which allowed rapid ignition. Daniel loved the spectacle. Matthew, Daniel, Stephanie and I would sit on the porch, slapping at the mosquitos,watching one firework after another until ultimately the gunpowder and smoke was sufficient to make all the mosquitos in a mile radius depart for their lives !

Probably Not Really Like Daniel

A photographer's conception of how Daniel might look if he were still on Earth today.





Some time ago, I located a company that will take a picture of a child who has passed, and age the child from childhood to adulthood or anything in between. They run specials at Mother's Day and Father's Day. They also do a number of other rather miraculous photography alterations, and they are very diligent. In reality, other than a haircut, growth in height, maybe thinning out a little or having shoulders broaden even more, I don't expect Daniel to have recognizably changed TOO much since he left here at 12 1/2. I think I would know him if he passed me on the street. For Mother's Day, I provided several pictures of Daniel, and asked them to age him to 14, the age he would be right now. The picture above is what they thought he might look like. Of course, our other children, two of them artists, don't agree. (Our daughter is a professional illustrator and our eldest son, a professional sculptor.) They believe he would be more muscular and that his eyes would be larger. One said he would never have submitted to a haircut which exposed his ears. (That might be true, but as we grow, we do change)
Should you ever want an age progressed or age regressed picture of anyone, an adopted child, a lost child, etc. this is the website of the company that does these. They also have a number of other services. (They can actually take seperate pictures of relatives and incorporate the two of three people into one photo.)


http://www.phojoe.com/


Someday I might provide some different photos to them and see what they come up with again. After all, it serves me right for trying to take a premature glance into Heaven !


As for the song below, I don't think that Daniel could ever have heard it while on Earth, but somehow I believe that he would LOVE this song. I have a copy of the CD in his room.
The parody of the song at the end is very much like something Daniel would like. One of his favorite things to do was to alter or amend a song a la Wierd Al Yankovic, whom he once saw in concert.