Thoughts in Autumn

This is not an easy time of year. Today we sit eleven days from the day that your body had to leave us, three years ago. That was a nicer autumn than this one. This autumn has been far wetter, and has even had thunderstorms, and the leaves are gone from the trees. In 2008, when you had to go, the Autumn was vibrant, somehow back- lit and brighter. The leaves remained on the trees in beautiful autumn colors, making the Shenandoah Valley look muted that year, in comparison.
This week I got around to completely cleaning out the vitamin cabinet. I tossed expired fish oil capsules, B-12 from 2010, Claritin from 2009. I found two small prescription bottles which had fallen behind the little wire shelves I have in there. They were prescriptions for you for fluoride tablets, which had been written by your pediatrician. From the look of them, you took about half and then misplaced them, and didn't take anymore afterward. I felt an exaggerated feeling of sadness, as I thought, "I not only couldn't keep my precious boy here, but I couldn't even see to it that he finished his fluoride pills, when he was here !" Maternal guilt is like that sometimes. I had finished cleaning and organizing the rest of the cabinet before I realized that you had only ever had one cavity in your short life, and that it left your mouth as a primary tooth, right on schedule. Sometimes this little traps come up in the course of my day. Most of the time, however, I am happy to see remembrances of you, or things you left here.
There is a very nice new Asian restaurant which has opened about 30 minutes from here. We were there yesterday, and I very much thought of you as we ate their cucumber salad, and then white meat General Tso's chicken. I think it would very much meet with your approval Daniel. If you and Dad want to come for a visit, you would both be most welcome. We are having the Thanksgiving at home that you always loved.

Daniel, the video below shows a deputy removing a deer from the road after she is frozen with fear following a minor collision with a car. I thought it might remind you of all the deer we have running around the farm especially at this time of year.

The Busy Autumn

These are strange days. Once again, we are are between the anniversary of my father's passing, Octobers end, and Daniel's passing, at November's end. This time causes me to focus on those days in 2008 when they both passed. Dad's passing was expected, and honestly, Dad was no longer comfortable and safe within his own body. It was time to depart for Heaven, and his stresses in that time were related to my taking over the tasks that he had done so well. How could Daniel have passed a month later, without my knowing there was something seriously wrong ? Two years of ruminating over this, and of autopsy reports and specialized testing has brought me no closer than "God called him", the pathologist's first statement. Even the genetic testing at the Mayo Clinic has turned up nothing.
So, we survive by loving the children we have left, and each other, and by remembering and living the loving legacy that both Dad and Daniel brought to us each in different ways.
This weekend was packed full. We spent a big chunk of it moving Dad's remaining possessions from one storage to another for added security, diminished expense, and also as we decide where it's final place should be. Dad was a fairly famous world explorer in his day, and before my own passing, I need to make sure that his papers, writings, and some of his possessions relating to this time find their way into the appropriate museum where they will be cared for and respected in a long term manner. I wish I knew enough about all of the things he did and all of his travels sufficient to write a book, but I don't feel comfortable enough to write a biography on his behalf. I may not give adequate weight to some things, and Dad was an intensely private man, and I don't want to confide things he had intended only to be known by us. It certainly would be a test of our psychic link though.
After the busy weekend, my husband and I took all our remaining children and two of their friends who'd helped out to dinner. It was a new restaurant that hasn't yet had its grand opening, and eight people coming in for dinner threw them I think. The restaurant is in a location in which another restaurant once existed, and Daniel enjoyed the original restaurant in its earlier incarnations very much. (They had changed very little in the interior) I almost felt them with us as we had a wonderful dinner in a harried and haphazard manner. One of Adam's friends came with us and he is considering entering the military. I would very much like him to remain here and not subject himself to the hazards of military service but I was reminded of my father, and I don't think anyone could have dissuaded him either in his youth.
I did receive some joy yesterday though. I had wondered if James would ever really personally connect to our family. Adoption at 14 is tough. In a sense I believe he sees himself here until he departs and goes on with his life elsewhere, perhaps never really connecting here. As we unloaded Dad's equipment, photos, scrapbooks etc. James was tranfixed. This adventurous spirit, my father, became HIS grandfather ! I could feel Dad smiling as James was fascinated by Dad's antique typewriter collection. I could feel Daniel smiling and telling me that this was the plan, as James expressed an interest in some of Dad's books. Perhaps the connection is beginning. These are still bittersweet times.

Our Own Legends of the Fall

Fall is a magical time here, yet confusing also since Daniel's passing. It is the time of year when so many of our relatives have passed, most expectedly. It is also the time when just two short years ago, Daniel was called from us without warning or explanation. All we have is suppositions of pathologists, educated guesses, thoughts, theories and questions. Perhaps if the entire obvious world dies away when Daniel departed, he can return somewhere to Earth when God magically activates the buds and flowers in Spring. It's hard not to think this way sometimes.
In reality, I still believe that Daniel resides with God and my Dad and that it wouldn't be much of a Heaven for him (or for that matter, for Dad) if he were not able to see and get news from home, and so I believe he does.
Some years ago our daughter began a correspondence with Irish musician John McGlynn. I had the pleasure of exchanging some e-mails with him also. He was the original male vocal lead in the Riverdance music. He is also a wonderful songwriter and musician in his own right, despite being a qualified architect. I did try to embed the music from MySpace for today but instead, please take a listen to one of John's songs, "I Know You Hear Me". The link is below. Daniel also enjoyed John's melodic music. He was fond of his solo CD "Songs for a Fallen Angel" and also of the music from Riverdance.

Find more artists like John McGlynn at MySpace Music