You Held My Hand

   

This looks very much as it does here just now.    123rf.com

 

    Daniel, this week as we clearly pull in like a train to a station,  to the time of the year in which you so abruptly had to leave us, now almost four years ago, I have been thinking of you rather a lot.   The manuscript to the book which centers on your life is at the publishers and they are busy doing everything from reviewing format, grammar and spelling as well as fact checking.  Fact checking ? Hmmm.  Only you could do that on such a book.  Still it is moving along quickly    Many times I thought of you this week and I had to giggle about a few of the things you said or did as they came to mind.  Do you know what I remember most of all about you, and one of the memories I cherish so much ?   I remember very clearly that when we visited a town or a city and we were about to cross the street, that you would hold my hand, and we would walk across the street together.  This may not seem unusual to you, but most boys, do this when they are very young, because their mother is walking a child across the road. When the boy starts to grow up as you did, this usually stops because the boy wishes to remain independent of his mother.  You did not do that. When we crossed the street, you would hold my hand and we would cross together.  It was not as if you were a small boy reaching for his mother's help. It was not as if I were a decrepit little mother and you were guiding me across a busy road. It was as if two souls who come to Earth were linking their hands in order to manage the hazard of the road.  I remember that well, and I miss it.  No one holds my hand when I cross the street now. Yes, I have your siblings with me here on Earth still, and of that I am appreciative.   I have your Dad here too.  I even have James who came to us through adoption after your passing. I have a busy loneliness. Though I very much do miss you, your personality, the things we did together, all of it. I know you watch and walk with me whenever you can, and I really appreciate this.  I know you communicate with my Dad and that you have quite a family there with you. I just thought you might appreciate hearing how much I love you, and that I always will.

Easter Recollections

Cadbury Easter eggs

           On the Saturday before Easter Sunday, since Daniel was small, we have had a family Easter Egg Hunt.   It was a complex and sometimes expensive undertaking.  When we first moved out to the country, there weren't any groups or churches that did an Easter Egg Hunt, and so we resolved to try to have our own.  The situation was furthur complicated by having a Type I diabetic daughter, and so we had to have a mechanism which didn't leave her feeling deprived during a holiday which usually includes sweets.    The Easter Egg Hunt allowed us to celebrate the holiday while ensuring her safety, and celebrating it with our other kids as well.    Originally, I got a large number of regular sized plastic Easter eggs and left them empty.   Then, we would demarkate a large area usually in front of our large front yard.  Then, my husband and I would hide all the eggs, in both easy and difficult places.   When every one of the counted eggs we had placed was located, then each child would trade their eggs for a CD, video, or favorite candy. or sweet.   Everyone had a basket and I would take pictures as the kids undertook the serious business of locating all the eggs.  I remember one year, one of the eggs could not be found by any of us, and we thought our count had been off. The following weekend the hot pink plastic egg was sliced to ribbons and spread everywhere by the riding lawnmower.
          As the kids grew the Easter Egg Hunt had to evolve.  I eventually hid eggs in a much larger area.  The older kids didn't want to continue the hunt, but Daniel always did, and so we always had the hunt.   When the two older kids went to college, we incentivized the hunt by putting anywhere between 1-3 quarters in each plastic egg.   (I was going to be giving them extra money while at college. Why not incorporate it into the egg hunt ?)    Daniel loved this. That year he found as many eggs as his older siblings.

           The first year after Daniel passed I did not want to continue the egg hunt, but I believed that we should.   We felt that Daniel could see us, and that he might be pleased that we found a way to keep some of our traditions, even after his loss.   The year after that, we had James with us, and James should be a part of the family traditions we have had.   He seemed to enjoy the hunt, which that year was a hybrid of quarters and candy.  This year Daniel if he were here, would be 16.   Two of the eldest kids have long since graduated from college.  One of them is in college now, but will be home this weekend.  James would be just as happy to get the book "The Hunger Games" or another book by the same author.  So this year, for the first time in many years, I will have candy at the house, but there will be no official family Easter Egg Hunt.   Part of me is sad about this phase of our family life being over. Part of me understands that I held onto this celebration longer than we likely should have anyway, most likely stemming from a desire to hold onto every last memory and experience that relates to our time with Daniel on Earth.  I don't need to do that anymore.  Daniel and Dad, every little memory of each of you are indelibly burned into my memory. I will not forget just because I don't trot out the Easter baskets and the Easter grass.  I know you each watch me, and keep an eye on me and everyone else.  I know that you know, how much I truly love you both.  I miss you Daniel.   I hope you remember what a great time we all had at Easter.  I know I do. I know that we understand Christ's resurrection without having to have nice clothing, Easter eggs, and our wonderful hunt.   We also love you both wider than the oceans, and deeper than the seas.  
         

Almost Sixteen Years Ago

      

      I am very cognizant that this is the time of year in which I would be searching for a birthday present for you.  Had you remained on Earth, in May, it would have been your sixteenth birthday.  My goodness, using your siblings as a guide, you would likely be over six feet tall by now, and I think I would have yet another son in a size twelve shoe !   I still remember your hug as if I received one twelve hours ago, and I imagine your hug would be about the same, although you might have to aim toward me a little better, because by now I would be much shorter than you.  As you know, I still find your departure.........confusing.  It was so sudden, and without warning, and yet, you almost conducted yourself as if you were on a short run.   Developmentally, you were always ahead of everyone.  In the hospital when you were born, you were the only newborn I have ever seen who could turn over completely in the bassinet. You very quickly had a full head of hair. You were developmentally very together.  Once you came home, you continued to develop a bit more quickly, particularly mentally and verbally faster than others.  This was embarrassing and uncomfortable to other moms who had kids the same age as you, but I told them, what I believed to be true, which is that you had three older siblings who were homeschooling, and interacted with you a great deal.  This meant that your peers were not babies or toddlers, but children of many ages.  You aspired to be as articulate and as capable as they.  This broadened your horizons and you were quick to learn to keep up with your siblings, in particular. I remember that all your siblings and your Dad and I read to you, but  I do not recall EVER teaching you to read.  At about three, you made it a mission to learn to use the computer with the same skill and speed as your siblings, and so you did.  I think the computer, or your use of it, taught you to read.  Most of the time, parents, are perennially stretching their children, seeing how they might be stretched or encouraged to try new things, but you were different.   My role with you is to help you to see that you could sleep.  The computer and your life would be there tomorrow, and that tomorrow, you would be even brighter and have even better ideas than you did today.   You gained the private nickname "verbal gerbil" with me for your early and advanced use of English.   You were fairly young when you ordered the vanilla ice cream "with a chocolate forcefield" at Dairy Queen.  Most of all I remember uncommon compassion and the ability to size up people quickly, even in a child of a very young age.   I always realized that my children came from God, but it was certainly hammered home with you.  I am reasonably intelligent, but I was often surprized at how your skills and ideas exceeded mine.  As social as you were, I realized that you would be best served by homeschooling.   Most days, you were up early, either reading, working on the computer before breakfast, or you would come in to either cuddle or talk to us.  I remember your coming in to talk with us, early, the morning you passed.  I saw my role as you grew, as a parent who slowed your passage through life a little.  You passed through academics so quickly, and had so many things you wanted to do.  I told you that many of them could wait.   Somehow you knew, and I did not.  I will not sully this post with my regrets, although there are many.  There were many things I wanted you to do when you were a bit older, and we were just beginning to do some of them at 12 1/2.   I work hard to have the faith we need to get through this life gracefully and to see you again.  I tell myself that there was enough good in our time together, to be remembered throughout the remainder of the lives of the members of our family.  Even though we stand over here, with you and my Dad on the other side of the veil, God was still very very good to us all.

 

"Excavating"

Yesterday we were lucky in that the weather which been really rainy, prompted all of our children to choose to come straight home from either work or college, to spend the end of the week and the weekend with us. This means that there is always someone cooking, and going through all the food,but there is always lots of activity and lots of laughter. These are the times in which having a large family is a lot of fun. I am always amazed and pleased and how much they remember about their earlier lives, and somewhat surprized at the good job we did, which must have been when I had far more energy than I have now. As they sat around the kitchen table, having made dinner,our older kids were having a conversation about Daniel.
Daniel, being our fourth child, was fortunate for many reasons. One of these is that when we built our home, we had a very large closet built in his room. The original plan was that almost everything he owned could be kept in the closet, leaving his desk for schoolwork, his chest of drawers for certain clothing, and his bookcase for his many books. His clothing, coats, boots, shoes and a lot of his many toys and games were to fit in the large closet. In theory this was a good idea, but as he grew, there were things throughout the room as well. Each weekend, when homeschooling was tabled for awhile, Daniel would go through his closet looking for something he did not use during the week. Sometimes this was noisy because the back of Daniel's closet wall, is adjacent to the back of Stephanie's. If you asked him about this, he would say that he was "excavating in his closet". We always found his interesting and expanding use of English to be amusing. As I listened to our kids talk about him and laugh about their experiences with him, it helped me to remember that even though his time here was short at only twelve and a half years, that he had a good life with us. He was treasured and very loved, while not really being spoiled. He appreciated what he had and how much we all enjoyed his presence. It really helps to have our children have such numerous and broad memories of him. It helps us to remember them as well. Even being without Daniel in the flesh now, there is much for which to be thankful.


 

Daniel's Favorite Restaurant: PANERA

In 2005,when our family sold the first farm we built, and then were building another, we had to set up small barns for animals on the new farm,while the builder worked on building our new home. So that we had water, some access to comforts, a place to nap, shower, and eat while we were there caring for animals and waiting for various contractors, we placed a recreational vehicle there. Daniel very much enjoyed watching DVDs, and sitting in the RV. Most kids really do like RVs and some form of camping. Often, when we were finished the days chores, we would travel to where we were staying temporarily, and we would eat at Panera, which is clearly Daniel's favorite restaurant. For those of you who have never been, it's a cafe with exceptional sandwiches, salads, and soups, which bakes a variety of breads daily. There is also an attached bakery where varietal crusty breads, bagels, rolls, muffins, and desserts can be purchased to go. They also sell some of their fantastic salad dressings, and they cater your occasion if you wish. The entire place is a cafe which makes its own breads and whose menu is at least partially inspired by simple Italian sandwiches and soups, with an innovative American flair. They are committed to a creative and ever changing seasonal healthy menu, and their treatments of old favorites are tweaked by their own chefs. Add to this a broad menu of drinks, free wifi for your internet needs, and you're all set. There are multiple Panera locations, all over the US and they are all decorated a bit differently. The one nearest us, donates their leftover bread to the local foodbank. Ours plays classical music in the morning, and jazz in the afternoon and evening.
Of course, anywhere which had free and fast wifi caught Daniel's attention. He also loved the food there. His favorite menu item there was "You Pick Two" which allows the customer to pick two of any menu items, soups, salads or sandwiches and receive half of each.. His preferences were a half a bowl of broccoli cheddar soup, with a half a sandwich called Bacon Turkey Bravo, with a piece of baguette, and a Dr. Pepper. He would find a quiet corner with a comfortable chair there, and a table, and plug in his computer. Then someone would watch the computer while he ordered. Then he would work online while eating his soup and baguette. Eventually, he would part from the computer long enough to eat his half Bacon Turkey Bravo sandwich and sip his drink. We used to come in once a week, often with all the kids, during the construction of the new farm. A lot of the staff there became fond of Daniel, who would do both schoolwork and creative endeavors on his computer while he was there. After the house on the farm was complete, Panera became a birthday and celebration location for us. It also helped that Panera branches exist in both of the cities we occasionally visit.
When Daniel passed, I remember going there the week after in an insensible attempt to live normally and to see if he were sitting there, with a computer, intensely working while casually eating soup. The first thing the staff asked us was, "Where is Daniel ?" I was not up to comforting the people who cried when they heard what had happened.
We still go to Panera when we eat out. When they take the order and ask for the name for the order, we always say "Daniel" and we sense that somehow, he enjoys the meal with us. I hope that somewhere in Heaven, there is a Panera where Daniel takes a break, watches us and does his work there on whatever computer God issues.We really miss you Daniel, but we will never stop remembering and doing the things we did together that we so enjoyed.


Song performed by Jim Brickman and Roch Voisine

Lasagna

I have been thinking a lot lately about you Daniel in terms of your food likes and dislikes. Still, in stocking for the holidays in my regular moments, I still reach to grasp the one liter bottle of soda you would have preferred for the holiday.I still think about making the foods you would have liked best. I know that's silly, but a mother's programming and many of the changes she makes in bringing a child home, and then growing along side him, do not change.I am afraid my Daniel mode is forever. I will tell you one thing Daniel. Before you left, and when some food or drink was finished, the older children tended to try to blame you. "Daniel must have finished it", was their reply. Maybe blaming the youngest brother is a strategy in other families, especially teens, as well.Strangely, after your departure, the same amounts of food and drink were consumed, and on occasion, disappeared. When James joined us, the food consumption increased some more. You are therefore vindicated ! We know you weren't the person eating extra !
I remember that one of your favorite foods was lasagna of many types. You liked my lasagna in all of its different incarnations, and you liked the classic Stouffers as well. You liked my spinach lasagna, my vegetarian lasagna, my sausage lasagna, ground beef lasagna, experimental chicken lasagna, cheeseburger lasagna, and garden-vegetables-we-grew varieties as well. For someone who had completely clean coronary arteries in the country where half of twelve year olds have the beginnings of coronary artery disease, I realize now I could have fed you more of what you wanted. I miss your being happy about whatever I am serving, rather than, "Not that again" that I tend to hear now.