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Monday, March 21, 2011
Thoughts on Moving After the Loss of a Child
Daniel's favorite picture of Stephanie and I, taken when she was a teen.
The task of writing this blog is a special one. It began as a way of staying sane, and setting out my own feelings following the unexpected loss of Daniel, which followed the expected passing of my father, by only 31 days. Over time, it has evolved into a way in which I feel that our family does some good in the world by honestly sharing our feelings and thoughts concerning the many aspects of continuing as a family, after the loss of a dear member of it. Perhaps by calling attention to sudden death without clear cause, and validating other families thoughts and feelings on it, we can do something of value here, in the time we have remaining on Earth. In writing the blog, I do notice topics for which our readers have been searching for information. I noticed today that someone inquired as to whether we had a blog page on moving after the death of a child. I would like to weigh in on our view on this.
Your child, or your father, mother, husband, sister, or brother who have passed, are tied by love, to you. Everything else on Earth fades eventually, but love endures always. They are tied to people and although they may love certain homes, gardens or other places, and have been happy there, they are less tied to places, and more to the people they love, who still inhabit the Earth. If you wish to move, then most psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, and even psychics, recommend that you not do so, for at least a year after the passing of your loved one. Remaining in the same place, if possible, can be helpful, they feel, in the grieving process, and I talk a lot about grieving. Grief is not something to be abbreviated, circumvented, abridged, amended, or otherwise surgically or otherwise altered. Grief must occur, and we must go through every warm tear of it. Everyone grieves differently, and the time it takes to do this, varies between each individual and circumstance. There is no right, or no wrong way to grieve. When we change where we lived with the person with whom we are grieving, too soon, we may short change ourselves in the chance to fully experience each joyful experience we had with them, and each loss that follows it.
So in short, remain at least a year in the place you lost your child, if possible. Remember that he will follow you, when you move, whether or not you have a room for him or not. You may wish to take some things of his with you, to a new place, if you wish. If you want to move, or really need to move, then you should, for any tangible reason other than for the purpose of avoiding grief.
This was not our choice. We chose to remain in the farmhouse we built, where Daniel died. Yes, we feel his being. We see his animals, his dogs, chickens and the trees he planted. We watch the pine tree grow that he planted and decorated outdoors each Christmas, I think, for the animals. We found some peace in completing the farm, outbuildings, and task we had set when he was here on Earth with us. We did redo and repaint his bedroom, giving him a smaller basement room decorated the way he would have liked, to store his favorite things, as if somehow he visits on sabbatical from Heaven. Sometimes we lie on his bed, and look at the remembrances. His two older professional artist siblings painted realistic looking clouds and sky on his ceiling, and often, they appear to drift as you watch. His considerable DVD and CD collection sits on blond bookcases which cover a large wall, below them, his books, and of course, pictures of him are there as well. He would laugh if he saw it now, and say, "Wow Mom, a really comfortable and clean shrine !" He might say that, but he would love it. He finally got a chance to move down to one of the basement bedrooms as he had always wanted, even though it followed his departure from Earth. We use the room as a place to watch his television, watch his favorite dvds, look at pictures of him. We use it as a place to recharge and remember, and for us, it is a happy place.
The lead vocal is actually done by Christine Dente, found on an album by all of these ladies.