Tuesday, March 1, 2011

When Understanding Falls Short

I had a routine endocrinologist's appointment today, with a physician I consider a friend. She is a professor of medicine, and one often sees resident physicians at her practice first, and then, she arrives afterward. She was very kind to me when Daniel passed suddenly, and I will not forget her kindness.
I went today to the same woman doctor, and was seen first by a female resident in psychiatry. This is not unusual, because many patients with hypothyroidism often first present with depression, and so, since a psychiatrist is a physician who assesses both the medical reasons for things as well as the psychologic or mental issues which have contributed to illness, endocrinology is a rational rotation for them. Since my doctor is a recognized expert in her field, working under her is an honor. Still, being interviewed first by a psychiatric resident,took me by surprize.
In the course of the lengthy visit, it was clear from both the psychiatric female resident and my own endocrinologist, that they wondered if I had moved along sufficiently in my grieving of Daniel. I likely did not show this, but I was angry. Unless Daniel is returning, then life for me, my husband and our family is forever changed. My doctor's thinking that "It was two years ago now" doesn't really take into account many things. A family who loses a child, will likely find their new normal, generally after the first year, but they likely will never find the joyous uncomplicated times they had when that child was alive. There will never be innocent days completely immune from triggers that will allow you to recall your precious child or teen, and then also recall a grain of the loss and the ache you have as he is not here. You will likely always remember why, if in fact, you know why, your child is no longer on Earth with you. Part of me will grieve Daniel, and for that matter, my father, as long as I am on Earth and still draw breath myself. My loving and missing them does not make me less able to live life, give and receive love, and be a positive fixture in the world. In fact, it might be part of why I am all those things.
What I did learn is not to level with my physician.From now on, I will discuss the issues which relate directly to thyroid function. Being able to swallow easily, not being excessively cold, hair and nails growing as would be expected etc. Apparently, it makes people/physicians uncomfortable to hear that medically I am functional, but that I still have heartache.I am not depressed but I AM chronically sorrowful. Who would not be? I will save my feelings for those here, and for parents who know only too well, the path we walk. Frankly, I would not wish knowing what the loss of a child is like, on anyone anyway.

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