Almost Sixteen Years Ago

      

      I am very cognizant that this is the time of year in which I would be searching for a birthday present for you.  Had you remained on Earth, in May, it would have been your sixteenth birthday.  My goodness, using your siblings as a guide, you would likely be over six feet tall by now, and I think I would have yet another son in a size twelve shoe !   I still remember your hug as if I received one twelve hours ago, and I imagine your hug would be about the same, although you might have to aim toward me a little better, because by now I would be much shorter than you.  As you know, I still find your departure.........confusing.  It was so sudden, and without warning, and yet, you almost conducted yourself as if you were on a short run.   Developmentally, you were always ahead of everyone.  In the hospital when you were born, you were the only newborn I have ever seen who could turn over completely in the bassinet. You very quickly had a full head of hair. You were developmentally very together.  Once you came home, you continued to develop a bit more quickly, particularly mentally and verbally faster than others.  This was embarrassing and uncomfortable to other moms who had kids the same age as you, but I told them, what I believed to be true, which is that you had three older siblings who were homeschooling, and interacted with you a great deal.  This meant that your peers were not babies or toddlers, but children of many ages.  You aspired to be as articulate and as capable as they.  This broadened your horizons and you were quick to learn to keep up with your siblings, in particular. I remember that all your siblings and your Dad and I read to you, but  I do not recall EVER teaching you to read.  At about three, you made it a mission to learn to use the computer with the same skill and speed as your siblings, and so you did.  I think the computer, or your use of it, taught you to read.  Most of the time, parents, are perennially stretching their children, seeing how they might be stretched or encouraged to try new things, but you were different.   My role with you is to help you to see that you could sleep.  The computer and your life would be there tomorrow, and that tomorrow, you would be even brighter and have even better ideas than you did today.   You gained the private nickname "verbal gerbil" with me for your early and advanced use of English.   You were fairly young when you ordered the vanilla ice cream "with a chocolate forcefield" at Dairy Queen.  Most of all I remember uncommon compassion and the ability to size up people quickly, even in a child of a very young age.   I always realized that my children came from God, but it was certainly hammered home with you.  I am reasonably intelligent, but I was often surprized at how your skills and ideas exceeded mine.  As social as you were, I realized that you would be best served by homeschooling.   Most days, you were up early, either reading, working on the computer before breakfast, or you would come in to either cuddle or talk to us.  I remember your coming in to talk with us, early, the morning you passed.  I saw my role as you grew, as a parent who slowed your passage through life a little.  You passed through academics so quickly, and had so many things you wanted to do.  I told you that many of them could wait.   Somehow you knew, and I did not.  I will not sully this post with my regrets, although there are many.  There were many things I wanted you to do when you were a bit older, and we were just beginning to do some of them at 12 1/2.   I work hard to have the faith we need to get through this life gracefully and to see you again.  I tell myself that there was enough good in our time together, to be remembered throughout the remainder of the lives of the members of our family.  Even though we stand over here, with you and my Dad on the other side of the veil, God was still very very good to us all.

 

Happy Echoes

Combs Farm,   Robbinsville NJ  (Photo: Pulte Builders)

Princeton area, New Jersey

       It's funny how sometimes you think of something when it doesn't really seem to relate to where you are now, or what you are doing. Today, it was unusually warm and my shoulders prickled as the sun's rays reached them. I thought of another place, some thirty years ago.

I went to college to study biology at 16, and then had an epiphany where I decided I would rather be a nurse than a physician. I therefore, in my late teens, transferred, and attended a nursing school, and after graduation, attended and graduated from another, as well. The first nursing school was in New Jersey, and they did a very thorough job of seeing to it that we had all the clinical experiences necessary to be good clinicians when we arrived. One of those clinical rotations was in the area of Princeton and was a month long working experience with a broad variety of psychiatric patients. I am still sworn to secrecy over the specifics of those days, and the patients we saw,  but I will talk about my life while I was there.  I was exceedingly worried about being sent to Princeton for a month. My father had attended the university there, and was familiar with the region, but it was non-commutable from where I lived if you had to be there for an entire day five days a week starting at 6:45 am.  . I had to find a place to stay there, for an entire month !  I could barely get sufficient fuel in the gas shortages of the late 1970s, and I certainly did not have the funds to pay for a hotel for an entire month.   My father had the brilliant idea of placing an index card in one of the Shop-Rite stores there, which simply said  "Nursing student needs inexpensive place to stay for a month during local clinical".  Please call 201-555-2882.   Like magic, a woman called and related that she had children who were away at college, and therefore she had a spare room.  What a relief.  Since there was no time before the clinical started, I did not meet her before the arrangement began, and she had not met me.   I received the address and arrived there one afternoon.  She had told me to come in through the garage, and had given me directions.  She wasn't even home when I arrived,  and that first day, directed me with notes left around the home.  I still believe that this was a very brave thing to do.
                They were a remarkable family.  They had five children. All were in universities somewhere in state, except for the youngest who was still in high school.   One of them was in another school of nursing some distance away.  Their father was an airline pilot and their mother had attended college for chemistry, but now worked from home as a very busy piano teacher.  She worked from home most days, but especially afternoons until about dinnertime.  The month I was there was a very positive time for me.  The house was very comfortable.   Since each of the kids managed to stop by to touch base for one reason or another each week, there was also a casserole or warming dinner ready.   I came in early each day, and had dinner.  Mrs. S. and she would ask all about my day.  She would drink tea while I ate.   Next, her son from high school would arrive late after ball practice (sometimes I would pick him up at the school)   Then, she would listen to him as he ate dinner.   Then, other kids, when they could, would show up to discuss everything from parking tickets they had received, to how they would finance their next car, or decisions they needed to make with regard to graduate school.  Mrs. S. had dinner between eight and nine pm herself on the nights that her husband was home from his flights.   Having this home base and great example was very positive for me.  Our psychiatric affiliation was very challenging.  I was fortunate in that I was commuting a very small distance, and was calm and rested each morning when I arrived, while some of my classmates were not.  Many of the things we saw while there were difficult.  It was of great benefit to me to have this home away from home for this month.  While I was there, I truly appreciated that I had become an "S" kid for a month.  I kept trying to pay the amount we had agreed upon, and at first it was to be weekly. Then it was to be "later sometime".  Eventually, Mrs. S said I could reduce it by picking up their youngest son at the high school after practice, which I happily did.  The last week I was there, they chose not to accept anything, and thanked me for my coming and for my cooperation.
                 I think I decided then, that their family was the template for what I wanted.  I wanted to have an education sufficient to raise and educate my own children.  I decided that I wanted a large family if financially possible. I liked the atmosphere there on the weekend, when everyone tried to make it home. They were all making their way in the world and would touch base with one another whenever they could.
                 I stayed in touch with Mrs. S. for a few years.  I once told her what a difference their kindness made to me. They offered me an alternate template for raising a family.  She downplayed the importance of a month with them, but it really had been helpful to me, in many different ways.
                Now, all these years later, I am the "Mrs. S".    Most of my children are in college, or have just finished.  I try to carve out calm listening and talking time each day when possible.  The youngest one here now, came to us through adoption.   We also have a houseguest, a friend of my daughter's who is here on the farm until he finishes college.  This was the life Daniel knew when he was here.
                 The S. Family had no way of knowing how important their month long gift to me really was. It not only helped a young nursing student complete a difficult clinical and move closer toward graduation, and the ability to earn a living.  It also showed me the value of having a large family, and how one might coordinate doing so.  It also provided me with a calm template for how one relates to and launches young adults,  which was challenging then, and continues to be today.   It also freed me to do good in the world, intelligently, and carefully.  In all, the month long investment the S. Family made in me, translated to good in the world for others also.  Lately I have been thinking a great deal about my life in its totality.  My staying with the S. Family  was seventeen years before Daniel, our fourth child, was born.   Although the two events seem unrelated, they aren't really.  Seeing the wonder and workability of a large family is one of the things which made having a large family myself, possible.   In a sense, I am an "S" daughter, and Daniel, was an "S" grandchild.   All of our family profited immensely from a simple gracious act of helping a nursing student stay somewhere overnight while she completed her clinicals.  Thank you.

Brief Meetings in Dreams

Just above Daniel's farm

      In the early hours of this morning, as I slept, I saw Daniel.   I was walking toward a building with a glass entryway, that looked something like a modern brick school with a glass entry alcove.   I could see Daniel standing just to the left of the entry positioned facing the door as I approached, so I could see a side view of his hair, but not his face.  I still knew it was Daniel.   In the fractions of seconds it took to enter the building, I could not wait to see his face.  As I entered the glass alcove to the building, there he was. I looked at his face.  His face was very similar to how I remember it, as was the rest of him. There were tears in his eyes. There was both joy that we had this small time together, and I was not sure whether there was sorrow or simple compassion in his face. I just know I was thrilled to see him.   I was not sure what had happened or if he were simply there to encourage me or simply to let me know that he is always still with me.  Then the dream was over.
         I suppose I will have to get context from future dreams or perhaps I will recollect another portion another time.  In any event, I feel encouraged overall when I see Dad or Daniel in my dreams.


Although many of us think of the performance of Josh Groban when we think of this song, the songwriters of "To Where You Are" are actually Richard Marx and Linda Thompson. This is the Richard Marx version.

 

Considering Cardiac Ablation

This is J. Michael Mangrum, a top electrophysiologist/cardiologist. Dr. Mangrum treated my eldest son  for his recurrent atrial fibrillation which occurred from age 14 on. He also did the cardiac ablation procedure on him a bit more than a year ago, in order to diminish the frequency of these arrhythmias.  Dr. Mangrum would also have seen Daniel had we known that Daniel had a predisposition to any type of arrhythmia whatsoever. In fact, he had a peripheral involvement in the cardiac portion of Daniel's autopsy.    At the end of January 2012, I also began to have recurrent atrial fibrillation. If these frequent symptomatic episodes do not cease soon or come under better control, then Dr. Mangrum will be doing cardiac ablation on me as well.

Home from the Hospital

budinteriors.blogspot.com

I try to have a healthy and happy outlook toward the things which happen here on Earth. I will admit to being annoyed and concerned over four, six to ten hour episodes of symptomatic atrial fibrillation since January 29th.     Late last night I headed to the hospital for admission to a short stay cardiac unit for my fourth significant heart rhythm disturbance since the end of January.     My Dad passed of thirty plus years of controlled atrial fibrillation before passing in his eighties. Daniel is felt to have passed of a sudden heart rhythm disturbance, but since this is a functional issue, there were no indications of it, other than his obviously having passed, on autopsy.       One of my other sons had a cardiac ablation for paroxysmal a-fib more than a year ago. I should have a better outlook here. This is not a family health problem come now to roost upon me, to take my life and perhaps my mobility in slivers and slices.  It is a chance in which to obtain care, using the histories of these other beloved family members, so that I can remain on Earth as long as possible to help our four remaining children who also remain on Earth.. I need to see things as they are. Still, this is not easy.   I am not accustomed to feeling less energy, being dizzy, or taking medications.

Despite having the best electrophysiology cardiologist around, I am disillusioned with some of the resident and fellowship staff with whom he works. I am overwhelmed by the huge university medical center, the poor communication and lack of customer/patient concern. I find it hard to make it while in a-fib, from the parking deck to the lobby and registration center for my admission. As I make my way in this huge center, I cannot help but wonder how elderly people or those with nausea from chemotherapy navigate such a place. The hospital staff sometimes seems rude, abrupt, if not occasionally only marginally competent. I don't often bring up as a patient that I am a registered nurse with thirty years of experience including some as an instructor in a college for medical and nursing courses. Sadly, several times today I had to. I think it's time to look for another hospital with less ongoing construction, better patient service, calmer staff with better communication skills, etc.    I was there many hours. I received an i.v., an EKG, and was placed on a cardiac monitor. The plan was to administer the drug I had been given earlier, by mouth, to ensure that I could not only convert to a regular sinus rhythm, but that the drug given was safe for me. If this conversion did not occur, then I would have been cardioverted with electrical paddles. I entered atrial fibrillation at 0140, and was chemically cardioverted by about 1300.
According to my cardiologist, it is too soon to tell whether I can continue to take medication just when atrial fibrillation occurs, or whether I will need a drug to prevent arrhythmia on a regular basis. A cardiac ablation, not an easy procedure, may well be necessary in the future. Thus far, no one has asked about or referred me for the uptick in asthma I have noted since the viral respiratory infection I had in January which precipitated the first of the a-fib events. My Dad worked very hard to remain on Earth with paroxysmal atrial fibrillation which became intractable. Daniel was never diagnosed, and was asymptomatic until his passing. Adam for now, seems free of atrial fib. It looks as if I will fall somewhere in between all of them. I just can't wait to get all the bills for four episodes of a-fib with even brief hospitalizations.   As I speak, our insurance company is probably plotting ways in which to remove me from their rolls, and I don't know how much I am kidding about that.

From:  pacemakerproject.net





Update:   We never did get the bills for this months hospitalizations.   They were sent to our insurance company who paid their share, and then rather than sending bills for the remainder to us, they were sent directly to a collection agency.  This has happened before.  Yes, it's time to find another hospital.                                                                                                                        

A Convergence of Factors

       

It certainly does feel like "chaotic signals"

      In January and February when I experienced my first episodes of paroxysmal atrial fibrillation and the Emergency Room physicians asked me why I thought this had happened, I joked that  "Maybe it's all the coronal mass ejections".    It really was meant to be a joke, yet the electrophysiology cardiologists didn' t think it was all that amusing, and now I am wondering if my joke wasn't at least partially true.   A couple of days after there are coronal mass ejections on the sun, particularly powerful ones of late, by the time these energies get to Earth, I seem to have particularly vivid dreams, and then often in the middle of the night, I convert to the arrhythmia, atrial fibrillation.    This is now the fourth time I have converted to this rhythm since January 29th.  I am frankly, sick of mad night dashes to the university medical center some distance away.  I am tired of EKGs, bloodwork to check potassium and magnesium levels, tired of the intravenous drips, being an interesting test case, and of the $250. co-pay now required by my insurance. Most of all I am sick of my heart jumping around like a disturbed fish confined to my chest.
                I am not really sure what happened this time to cause this. It was a busy day.  One of my dogs had surgery recently and she has been a tough customer to care for.  Moving her from barn to outdoors and cleaning up after her has been physically tough when I frankly have not recovered from the second and third episodes of a-fib.  I am still tired and have a lack of energy.    This afternoon, one of my sons and I were doing some target shooting. (I am overdue)    All of a sudden a cluster of sirens were heard.  We didn;t know whether someone had called on somehow hearing our target shooting on the farm, or what had happened, as it's unusual to hear sirens this far out in the country.   Then we smelled it.   There was a brush fire somewhere, on the first warm day of the season, and things are just dry enough and windy enough for it to spread and be a real problem.   The state police and sheriff's office scrambled to look for the brushfire, while a pumper truck and other trucks feverishly drove up and down.   Finally the forestry department drove by.    We did a survey of our farm and were satisfied that the problem was not at our place.   Eventually, this was brought under control, but the running around, all the adrenaline, and the the smoke did not help me.   This no doubt fuelled the asthma which fuelled my nighttime arrhythmia, at least this time.
              Medication can be given orally for most people in order to convert atrial fibrillation.  Unfortunately, even though I have this medication in my possession, it cannot be given unless the patient is on a cardiac monitor, at least the first time.   Taking it without monitoring could result in a fatal arrhythmia outside a hospital setting.
               How do I feel knowing that an arrhythmia ultimately caused my father's passing, and caused my beloved 12 and a half year old son's sudden passing, of an issue no one knew about. and now is afflicting me as well.  I'm not too happy about it.   However, I will do what I am told.  I have talked to the electrophysiology fellow on call, and he is planning to admit me to a cardiac unit in the morning, if I remain in a-fib all night.  I am most concerned that this disorder will severely limit my ability to travel, and that perhaps my ability to do physical things will be limited. The possibility that this will shorten my life doesn't get much consideration since I was never guaranteed a long life anyway, no one is.   I would like to make sure my remaining children are more set and secure in the world before leaving. I also would not want my passing to be particularly difficult for my husband.    I am not thrilled about the possibility of having a cardiac ablation, but this is certainly where I am headed.   So, I sit, blogging away, too uncomfortable to sleep, feeling both lousy, hyperalert and generally annoyed.

"Heart" singing "These Dreams" seemed appropriate

Do Coronal Mass Ejections Enhance Our Psychic Links ?

A solar flare, the early stage of a coronal mass ejection or CME   (Photo: NASA)

     On the surface the question above sounds preposterous. A coronal mass ejection (CME) is a natural and episodic phenomenon caused by solar wind or plasma behaviors which cause a release of electromagnetic energy and matter out to space, and of course, a percentage of this energy travels to Earth.   CMEs can range from one occurring every five days to several in one day.  Of late, we have been experiencing stronger CMEs than we have seen in years.  It is well known that CMEs produce effects on Earth. Of late, places on Earth that rarely see aurora borealis phenomenon are seeing it. CMEs can cause damage to satellites in orbit, electrical grid problems, disruptions in communications and GPS (global positioning systems).  The amount of radiation an astronaut or pilot is exposed to rises following a CME, as it takes time for these effects to reach Earth,  and adjustments for this must be made.
         On the speculative end, this is a phenomenon that is being studied by NASA. Some have wondered if increases in CME intensity and frequency result in higher number of seismic events here on Earth.    We cannot yet hope to predict all of the potential impacts on human beings from this phenomena.  I was only joking recently when I endured three separate long events of new atrial fibrillation and the cardiologists asked me what brought these on, and I said, "I have no idea other than coronal mass ejections !"   We are, after all, electrical creatures. Our brains work electrically as do our cardiac conduction systems.

(Photo: Associated Press)

          This week I have been wondering if our psychic link to one another or even between those of us who are on Earth and those of us who have passed from it, may be enhanced during periods of CMEs. I have had multiple vivid dreams which concern my loved ones who have passed.  Last night for example, one of these dreams was a highly detailed vacation I was taking with Daniel.  We were traveling place to place in an RV, and occasionally staying in a hotel despite this. The detail in the dream was amazing, right down to a bite by bite remembrance of breakfasts and meals we ate during our travels.  It was as if he had sent a gift of a vacation with him, and the peace and feelings of recharge that accompanied it.  I have had similar encouragements from my father,  following  CMEs during the time at which their effects should be felt on Earth.   I did a quick search before posting here, and a few psychics consider the periods of time in which those of us on Earth are receiving bombardments from CMEs to be the worst times to be doing any type of psychic work.  Perhaps they are wrong.  Perhaps, since those who have passed may understand the system far better than we do, it may be an easier time for them to convey messages to us.  Perhaps, we need to simply listen during these times, rather than do "psychic work".
           In any event, I am not a psychic. I am a thinking, feeling, loving human being, a mother, a wife,  a daughter, and a child of God,and I will simply keep the home fires burning and remain here to receive any messages which are sent to me. I will honestly relate them to you, because I have no other axe to grind.

What We Do Here

Daniel, at about ten

 

    I think it's easy to lose track of how far we have come in this blog. Each one of us copes a little differently, and this coping should be supported however we wish to proceed.  This blog is only indirectly about passings. It is what we do after a great loss of someone we love, to use the time we have remaining, that really counts.
           Somehow in the past three years since Daniel's departure to Heaven, I have managed to make 300 posts here. Some of them have been talking about the cascading feelings we have had following the untimely and unexpected passing of our youngest son.  Sometimes we have discussed how each of us grieve differently and travel through different experiences in order to make sense of what has happened and move beyond those first days filled with grief. A few have discussed the challenges that losing a child presents.   Sometimes we have discussed the dreams we have had where I feel......or I am SURE that my Dad and that Daniel talk to me, and encourage me, if not set out the paths before me, in order that I may make good decisions.   Sometimes I have discussed how blindsided we can be by grief from simply hearing a song unexpectedly, or running into a friend of Daniel's when I am out.   Sometimes, we have felt solidly within our new normal and have talked about how proud we are to have found and to be operational within it's confines.   Also in the last three years, I have found time to educate our readers on matters of health,  a few aspects of family preparedness, and to highlight the tragedy of how many children and teens still pass without warning from sudden cardiac death syndromes.  We also shared a few observations and even a few insights concerning our adding to our family through adoption, as would have been Daniel's wish. We shared only what would have been comfortable for our newest son, we call James for the purpose of this blog. This year especially, we have also used this forum as a means of making our readership aware of at least three young adults who have been missing, while doing what young adults do, living a life while a college student.  One of these young adults has been found safely, and we continue to pray for the safe location and return of both Ian Burnet, and also of Jonny Dorey. I have tried to make this blog, as much as possible, about hope and about faith as well. If one of these 300 posts has been a comfort or a help to you or your family in these past three years, then I am very pleased.   It is in this small way that you too will see the generosity and the love we saw every day in the twelve and a half years in the life of Daniel.

Daffodils are the unmistakable sign of Spring in Virginia, and also an apparent sign from God that there should indeed be another year.

What We Do Here

Daniel, at about ten

 

     My eldest son, to my knowledge, has never been to this blog. I think he may be afraid of how he will feel and how sad he might be when he looks over so many stages of grief and so many thoughts following Daniel's departure.  Each one of us copes a little differently, and this coping should be supported however we wish to proceed.  My eldest son jokes sometimes, and says, "Are you working on your death blog ?"   Since he hasn't been here he doesn't know that what we do here is only indirectly about passings.  It is what we do after a great loss of someone we love, to use the time we have remaining, that really counts.
           Somehow in the past three years since Daniel's departure to Heaven, I have managed to make 300 posts here. Some of them have been talking about the cascading feelings we have had following the untimely and unexpected passing of our youngest son.  Sometimes we have discussed how each of us grieve differently and travel through different experiences in order to make sense of what has happened and move beyond those first days filled with grief. A few have discussed the challenges that losing a child presents.   Sometimes we have discussed the dreams we have had where I feel......or I am SURE that my Dad and that Daniel talk to me, and encourage me, if not set out the paths before me, in order that I may make good decisions.   Sometimes I have discussed how blindsided we can be by grief from simply hearing a song unexpectedly, or running into a friend of Daniel's when I am out.   Sometimes, we have felt solidly within our new normal and have talked about how proud we are to have found and to be operational within it's confines.   Also in the last three years, I have found time to educate our readers on matters of health,  a few aspects of family preparedness, and to highlight the tragedy of how many children and teens still pass without warning from sudden cardiac death syndromes.  We also shared a few observations and even a few insights concerning our adding to our family through adoption, as would have been Daniel's wish. We shared only what would have been comfortable for our newest son, we call James for the purpose of this blog. This year especially, we have also used this forum as a means of making our readership aware of at least three young adults who have been missing, while doing what young adults do, living a life while a college student.  One of these young adults has been found safely, and we continue to pray for the safe location and return of both Ian Burnet, and also of Jonny Dorey. I have tried to make this blog, as much as possible, about hope and about faith as well. If one of these 300 posts has been a comfort or a help to you or your family in these past three years, then I am very pleased.   It is in this small way that you too will see the generosity and the love we saw every day in the twelve and a half years in the life of Daniel.

Daffodils are the unmistakable sign of Spring in Virginia, and also an apparent sign from God that there should indeed be another year.

UPDATE: For the sake of correctness I should say that my eldest son has now been to this blog.