A September Flu

        

        I haven't been sick with anything other than a cold for about three years.  Somehow I have managed to catch the flu. I spent last evening figuring out what I should do since it's been such a long time since I had to treat myself for flu.  I started with extra vitamin C, then moved on to regular strength tylenol when I became febrile. I added Mucinex and lots of water when I became congested. Then, when I developed a wheeze. I brought out the nebulizer with medication which I will be using at least twice daily until this disappears.

           Since I didn't spend time yesterday exerting as much energy as I do normally, I didn't fall asleep easily when I went to bed. The program I was watching ended at eleven, and before you know it, my wheezing was back and it was midnight. Then I tossed and turned, drank more water and it was one. Then, the dogs barked
       Then, finally feeling a bit better, I lapsed into either unconsciousness or a deep sleep.  I found myself in a dream with my father.  Despite the fact that my father passed in 2008, he and I were in a navy blue Land Rover, and Dad was driving. This was interesting because most modern Land Rovers are automatic transmissions now, but this was my Dad, so he was driving a standard shift. He and I were making an evening run to some Goodwill Stores.  Once we got there, Dad found some new intelligence software that someone had donated. "This would be useful", he said,  as he presently doesn't have access to the software used in intelligence reporting. I bought some leather bags that were new and had been donated by a store to Goodwill. Dad also found a new pair of leather shoes which he delightedly picked up quite reasonably. I have no idea of the significance of this trip but I do appreciate my Dad visiting when it's possible for him. His appearances for visits in dreams help me to recall the feelings of his occasional visits and trips we made both together and with my kids. I will take these visits any way that I can get them.  Perhaps Daniel will come next time. They tend to visit separately, even though they both contend they "see each other all the time" and are in "close proximity".  I know that they care for my animals who have passed, and when they are away, the animals are cared for by Mrs Brandt, a friend of my family's from my childhood who loves dogs and other animals.

        I awoke with  simply a cold. I was a bit peeved that I could not keep the leather bags I had bought during the dream.  I am encouraged with the time I spend with Dad, and I am glad he finds a way to  visit me sometimes.

          Since cold and flu season is here, please consider getting a flu shot early.  Best wishes to you all.

The Truth of the Damaged Time Line

  When you lose a child, many physicians and ministers in particular, allot you a time in which to grieve of about a year. Then they expect that you heal sufficiently to head into what they call "the new normal". If you don't, they consider that you are grieving abnormally or perhaps even arrested in the development and maturity of your grief.

       I was a great little soldier through my grief. It's not because I am particularly brave or not in touch with the devastating loss we had experienced. It's that I had three other children and a husband who was understandably broken following our sudden loss of a healthy 12 1/2 year old beloved youngest son.  I was certainly broken. I just needed to make sure that everyone else would survive this loss before I fully examined what the loss of Daniel from Earth really meant to me.


         This November, it will be eight years since Daniel abruptly left his beautiful flesh suit.  Eight years later, I don't believe that there is a new normal. I think that what happens to most people is that they craft a life without their child or the loved one they have lost and they do so as if the life they lead is the result of a fractured timeline.  What I mean by that is that if Daniel had remained here on Earth, then he would be twenty years old. He would be in college or working.  He would have adult friends and be driving and planning for the future. He would be going places with his older siblings. They would be planning vacations together.  Instead, the branch of the tree that would have been Daniel's is now absent. The life we lead is not the one we would have. Our lives without him have continued to grow on that tree and as bright as some of the fruit in this timeline might be sometimes, the tree has now grown as a disrupted timeline.

The reason this is important is that in order to make best and most productive use of the life we have remaining, it's important to describe our situation, at least to ourselves, accurately. I don't cry much, although I think of Daniel each day. I miss seeing his wonderful life unfold. I miss his commentaries and I miss seeing what he would become. I will also miss seeing the family he would have made.

I don't believe that anyone who hasn't lost a child or a loved one can truly understand the pervasiveness of such a loss, or all of its implications.  This does not mean that I am lost. I accept and believe that God keeps Daniel and that I will see him again when I leave this existence myself.  I believe that at some future day we will be reunited.

     This does not stop my feeling that in late November, 2008 that the loss of Daniel altered the timeline we expected to live. The timeline was replaced by one with less joy.  I will continue to build the best life I can for my children, my husband, and my grandchildren, just as Daniel would have strenuously requested, had he had the chance to speak to us after his passing.

      Please remember that those you love who have experienced a crushing loss might feel this way also.  There is no genuine return to the days before such a tragedy. Be kind as you talk to others, especially those who know grief, either the anticipated kind, or the kind that envelopes us. May your "time line" be linear and as you expect.

         

Electronic Notes Through the Veil Which Separates Us

 Daniel,

      I know that you and Dad watch us sometimes.    Your sister had asked me to "inspect" her house before the appraisal for her refinance recently, and I felt you there with me.   I am also pretty sure that you and Dad were the ones telling me in dream to check the Summer house and that there was damage there. (Thank you by the way. I have hired someone for the repairs and they are under way.)  The caretaker phoned to tell me the same, the following day, after I had mentioned the dream to your Dad.  I still miss you both very much and I think of you both often.
        Daniel, you passed just after Barack Obama was elected, and from his writings you and I were both concerned about the direction of our country.  It actually has been worse than you and I had anticipated.  In some ways I am glad that you are not here to have seen the wanton disregard of our Constitution and the mismanagement of our country and world affairs by this regime.  The choices for the next election are not good.  One candidate is frequently dishonest and self serving and mismanaged her role as Secretary of State. Another potential candidate is out of touch and a communist.  The presumptive candidate for the Republican ticket says things that a lot of people think, but seems cavalier in some of his comments, and erratic sometimes.  Sometimes a small part of me is glad that you are home safely and not subjected to this.
       I know you pray because you always did.  Please pray for us, and for our country.  Your siblings especially have a hard road to hoe.  Your nephew will as well.  With that, I send the warmest hugs to you both.  I am doing the best I can.

Almost Eight Years Ago

  

I liked it, and I thought of you, but then I could not bring it home.

 
               

  Daniel,


            Many times I function very well.  I do what I need to do as a parent and as a grandparent.  I take good care of your animals and their descendants.  Every once in a while there is something that I see or hear which triggers less than a happy recollection.  I think today was one of those days.  I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for someone and I saw a small blue and white house flag.   It said
        

     If tears could build a stairway,
    and memories a lane.
    I would walk right up to Heaven
    and bring you back again.

                             (Author unknown)

     
  I picked up the flag and added it to the few things I bought there. It will look nice on the small flag holder near the driveway. Then I thought about it some more.  You were called to Heaven supernaturally.  No clear explanation of why you passed has ever been demonstrated.  Repeated autopsies found nothing wrong but concluded that the manner in which you fell coupled with family history among older family members probably pointed to an abrupt cardiac arrhythmia.  You were called home by God in just a few seconds. Even though I gave CPR immediately, I never got you back. You were no longer there when I began.   If I were to build a bridge and walk up to Heaven to bring you home then I am doubting the plan of God. God needed you home in Heaven, and by saying I would bring you home I am doing something contrary to God's plan for you, for me , and for this family.    Still,  I love you and I miss you more than words can say.   I left the flag in the store.  I chose to trust God's plan for us all.  Perhaps this is as close to acceptance of what happened to which I will ever arrive.


              

A Message to Daniel

Sam Shepheard

Daniel,

 Today, one of my friends from Linkedin reported that his son Sam had passed overnight in his sleep. Most of us know how lost we would be, as parents, if we were to lose one of our children, especially unexpectedly. We could imagine what a loss and a devastation that could be. However, our family has actually lost a son unexpectedly.  You passed in an instant almost seven years ago, and although I recognize the shock, the loss and the grief, I am short of any real wisdom.

    What can I say to his father Craig ?   I could tell him that Heaven is real and that Sam is safe with God and is free from the limits our bodies and brains place upon our far more perfect souls. I could tell him that I have heard from you, and my Dad in dream, and that you have provided factual information in advance of our hearing it later from others here on Earth.   I could tell him that at first, when the pain is so new, that the memories of all that you and your child have shared, are locked away in your mind and your heart for safekeeping. Eventually, each of those memories come back one by one, almost in technicolor. The moments of your hugs and things you said are now some of the very best memories of my own life here on Earth. I want to tell him not to evaporate. I want to tell him that it's worth continuing to live and that there is good left in his life.  Sam will be there when it is time for him to leave this life.

       Daniel, if it's possible for you to welcome Sam, I would appreciate it.   I remember you, and think of you every day here on Earth.  I love you wider than the oceans and deeper than the seas, and I believe you have always known that.

        May God bless Craig and his family, Sam,  you and my Dad.


 

Visits in the New Year

            

         I haven't heard from Daniel in a dream in quite a while.  I wasn't really pining to do so, although as I have said on this blog many times, that anytime he or my Dad would like to appear in dream, I would be happy to see them.  Last night at I believe about five in the morning, I heard from Daniel, once again.    He was on a short trip with three of his friends.  Two of them were light brown haired young men, about his age, one of them with glasses.His friends briefly discussed something about Russia and it being Christmas there, and something about the oceans and dolphins. The other one was a brunette young mother, about thirty, who was a nurse who came wearing a multi-colored scrub top and pink scrub pants.   They were stopping off to visit loved ones in the holiday and New Year season.  We were all eating hors d'oeuvres mostly made of cheese. There were some I noticed that were little axes and arrowheads of cheese.

                In the dream, Daniel who will be 20 this year was tall and calm. Somehow I told him that I knew he wasn't dead. I told him that now he was here, that I would like to take him to the electrophysiology cardiologist to make sure that his heart was working as it should be.  I said something about family history. I also wanted to feed him better than lumps of cheese.  I asked him how tall he was now because he seemed to have grown a great deal. He didn't know how tall he was, and so I estimated from my height that he was between 5"10 and 6 feet tall.  "Yes, you're six feet", I said with some certainty.   Then Daniel said, "I just came to give you this" Then he hugged me. I could feel the hug as if it were real. Then, they all had to go.
               In the dream I thought that Daniel was physically present as if his passing had been some type of mistake. Upon awakening, I realized that this was simply a visitation in which he came to show me that he is alright, and to leave a hug.

               I am happy to have visits from Daniel and his friends anytime.

Voices Below the Wind at Christmas

  Dearest Daniel and Dad,

                     It's hard for me to believe that it's been seven years since each of you departed Earth.     So many things have happened, in the world, in the US and on the farm since that time.  Part of me believes that you know of these things, and then sometimes I am not so sure.  Part of me hopes sometimes that Heaven is so much better than Earth that you are not even concerned with some of the minutia that concerns me. Not a day passes when I don't think of each of you.    Sometimes I work in the barn with the horses or the other animals and I imagine that you both watch me with at least some level of amusement.  Daniel, I know you would love the horses and that you would marvel at how long the alpacas you knew when you were here, have lived, and how well they are doing.  Dad, I think you would be amused that the little girl who fought every one of your attempts at teaching me proper gun handling and to shoot,  grew up to be licensed to carry a firearm everywhere. I think you would be proud that I taught the same to everyone here and that I am a pro firearms and safe handling guru of sorts.

                     This week there was a woman on television named Laura Lynne Jackson who was passing messages from those who have departed from Earth to loved ones here.   It made me sad that so many others don't realize that if we stay still and listen that you do find ways to tell me things that are important. I understand those who seek psychics, although I believe that God gave most of us the ability to listen quietly to the voices below the wind.

                      Merry Christmas to you both.  Please know I love you both very much and that I try hard to do things that I believe would please you both.  Sometimes I feel you both beside me, and I am grateful for your efforts to guide me.  God bless you both.......and thank Him for me, for allowing me to know you both on this all too short trip to the cold Earth.


                         

(Picture: www.davesgarden.com  )

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel guilty that
The mother who had only to look at you
To know you were getting a cold could not save you.
Sometimes I feel guilty that of all those I gave
witnessed CPR to, who continued to live, or went on
to expert ICU care, that of all those people, you
have been the only one I could not spare.
Sometimes I can't understand how you could have been so full of life, played soccer and eaten pie, only to cease to inhabit your beautiful suit the following day.
All the time, I cannot understand how the Mom who knew you so well could not feel our time drawing to a close.
Sometimes I wonder that if the autopsy showed no cause of death, if you are not dead at all. You watched Stargate, learned of ascension and just as the character Daniel did, went on to live as a being of light, before you return again.
Sometimes I think I should get you snowboots because yours are now long since outgrown.
Sometimes the pain is so great that it makes it hard for me to do what I must for your siblings, but I promise you, I shall.

A Poem by Edgar A. Guest

Daniel on a particular Halloween as Charlie Chaplin


For All Parents ~ by Edgar A. Guest
I'll lend you for a little time,
A child of mine he said.
For you to love there as he lives
And mourn when he is dead.

It may be six or seven years,
Or twenty two or three.
But will you , 'till I call him back,
Take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
And shall his stay be brief.
You'll have his lovely memories,
As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,
Since all from Earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there,
I want this child to learn.

I've searched the wide world over,
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labor vain.
Nor hate me when I come to call
To take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say,
Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness,
We'll love him while we may
And for the happiness we've known
Forever grateful stay.

But shall the angels call for him
Much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
and try to understand.

A Beautiful Story

Some days are still so very difficult. I try to stay very busy and I try to do whatever Daniel would want me to do. He would unquestionably want me to take care of his animals, his Dad, and also his brothers and sister. Consistent with this plan, I took my son Matthew out driving today so that he can put more time in before getting his license. (My husband and I do not license our kids before 18) I also took my daughter to Charlottesville to several shops that she and I like to visit on occasion. One of those shops is a lovely antique shop where we have bought lovely things in the past often more reasonably than elsewhere.
While we were there the shop owner asked us how we were doing, remembering that Daniel had passed unexpectedly just seven months or so ago. We told her that we were continuing as best we could. One of the ladies who was shopping told us something interesting. She had always been embarrassed when she was a child, by her father's loud Irish tenor voice which he used quite worshipfully in church every Sunday. She used to ask him to quiet down because "everyone could hear" especially when she was a teen. After he died, she was in church one day, and the hymn began, and there it was, she heard his resounding Irish tenor voice belting out the hymn, just as she had always remembered. She believes that her father was sending a message that he is indeed alright. She told us that we could expect one too. I told her that I believe that we already have. I also thanked her for sharing such a beautiful story.
Stephanie and I had a lovely day. We had lunch out, went to some art and framing shops, an antique shop, and ultimately our favorite expensive grocer for a couple of items.
It was a lovely day, though sadly punctuated by the loss of both Farrah Fawcett, an expected passing, and by Michael Jackson, an unexpected one. I have prayed for both of their families.

The Grieving Mother's Club

I have found there is an exclusive club for mothers. It's certainly not a club anyone would ever wish to join because it changes you totally and forever as it breaks and widens your heart. The "club" to which I am referring, is the "Mother's who have Lost a Child" club. Apparently, once you have membership, it never lapses. In addition, living life afterward is an awful lot like cutting in a new road in a place that looked just fine before.
Before Daniel died, I did not personally know anyone who had lost a child. I did know patient families who had, but this was within the course of my work and somehow understood that there would be a few of these. After Daniel's passing, lots of people with whom I am acquainted, told me they had lost a child. There was a woman at the grocery store whose child was murdered. Our builder and his wife lost a daughter to leukemia. One woman lost a toddler to an infection following a shunt insertion for new hydrocephalus. Another new acquaintance lost a healthy child to the flu. An old friend recently lost a grandchild to a freak ATV accident. It seems now that wherever we look, there are people finishing their lives, raising their children, who have one foot in Heaven, with one of their children. From my perspective just now, it seems a virtual epidemic. Certainly it isn't. it's just that my world has been compressed and distorted as I try to redefine, and move forward. Part of me wants to take my remaining kids and tie them with silk ribbons into protective cotton boxes. Another part of me knows that live or die, we must all live a life, because this is what we are here to do.
You might think that there is comfort in numbers, but there isn't. It actually hurts me to think that other people have endured the massive loss our family has, and may not always have had the support we have known.
Daniel, if you keep up with this blog, I miss you deeper and wider than the seas, and I love you more than I thought possible.

A Message

On the early morning of April 9, 2009 during a deep sleep, I heard from Daniel. He is concerned that I am blaming myself for not noticing things that may have led to his having brain surgery and saving his life. (If in fact, it was a brain issue at all !) He tells me that he had many headaches, but accepted that these were caused by his allergies and that since he did not like to take anything more than claritin, he didn't report these to me. He asks that I forgive him for this. I told him that certainly I do. He is a kid, and isn't responsible for everything ! I told him I should have done a better job monitoring and that I did not know this. He said there was something else I could do for him. He needs me to forgive myself and accept that this (his passing) was not something we could have changed together. I told him I would try to put this to rest. I expressed concern that his speaking with us and being concerned might be keeping him on a lower plane than he should be, and out of Heaven. I expressed that he deserves to be in Heaven and to be enjoying all that it has to offer. He said that he is there and can communicate from there and that the process of passing and ascending is pretty well automated. (His word) I asked whether he could be in any trouble speaking to us, and he replied that his communication is tolerated.
He said that we had had this conversation before (in a dream) and asked me if I remembered it. I said I did not. He said that he knows what is going on with all of us (our family) here and that he would be here if ever we need him. Then he said he would let me sleep.
When this is happening, I am asleep and I am not hearing words, I am aware that I am asleep and that he is with me and speaking idiomatically to me. Last evening I took no medications whatsoever, and had forgotten my aspirin. I have been having difficulty sleeping. I am not particularly joyous following the interaction. I simply accept that Daniel sent a message and is attempting to comfort and direct me.
You may choose to believe that a grieving mother is looking for a psychologically palatable way of forgiving herself sufficiently to move on. You may believe that I was spoken to by Daniel. I believe that Daniel sent me a message. I am reporting this in the hope that it helps others and validates their similar experiences when they have them.

A Few Odd Happenings

Well I have either lost my mind or grief has taken over. Odd things are happening here and I want to write them down before I forget. I had an odd dream last night. I dreamt vividly that Daniel was here in the bedroom with us in daylight and that he needed resuscitation. I began CPR and at the same time, I was talking on speaker phone to 911. After a short time I detected a heartbeat and then after continuing mouth to mouth, eventually he was breathing, though in a shallow way. I remember telling EMS to hurry and send the helicopter. I also said to them, "Last time he didn't make it, but this time,it's different, he did !" This was strange because it makes no sense. When you can't successfully resuscitate your child in October, you don't get a second chance to be successful in April.
The other thing that happened was yesterday. I was working in the dining room and I heard someone moving around the kitchen, near the stove. It was as if they were making sure the burners were turned completely off. As I walked passed the kitchen I vaguely saw an arm near the stove. Thinking it was Matthew, I walked by. Then I asked Matthew something about lunch and no one answered. I said, "Matt", and looked to see that no one was in the kitchen. I couldn't believe Matt could leave the room that fast, so I called out for him. He answered from the basement. "Were you just in the kitchen?" I asked. "No", he answered. "I've been working on the computer down here."
The last thing is that in the past week I dreamt that someone told me that Stephanie would get a parking ticket, so I told her about this and to be careful about where she parked. This morning she told me that yesterday she received a parking ticket in error. She did have the parking placard which would allow her to park at that location, but she was ticketed anyway.
I am not sure what any of it means or if it is simply how bereaved families process a terrible loss. Could Daniel, knowing how sad my last memory of not being able to resuscitate him successfully is for me, have simply been seeking to give me a successful memory of resuscitation also ? I still know the reality, but have a memory of success also. Is there a message I just don't yet understand ?

Daniel's Garden

Daniel and sister Stephanie
Today was the first weekend day here in Virginia that the weather was nice. After being utterly frustrated as most of the yahoo groups I visit were down this morning, and have been erratic all week, I decided to work on the garden.
This years garden is bittersweet. Daniel wanted to continue our Fall work come Spring. Last fall, we worked on the grass and planted fruit trees. He was a great helper and is was fun to talk to him while we were working and it barely seemed like work most times. In September and October I remember him very healthy and moving well. It's still hard to me to believe he could be gone. Of course, since his sudden death in November, I don't feel like doing much, but Daniel would expect us to care for his animals, love each another, and complete his vision for the farm. All of a sudden planting the things he wanted has become important. This weekend I started in Jiffy containers three kinds of lettuce, green peppers, colored peppers, arugula, 7 herbs, squash etc. Then on Sunday, we planted the cherry tree, four kinds of grapes and two types of blueberries. There is more I should plant but this was enough for today. The dwarf peach trees, apple and pear trees Daniel and I planted two years ago will bear fruit, but for the first several years we remove it in order to divert strength to the trees for growth.
By five o'clock my husband and I were both tired. With our three eldest scattered to the ends of the Earth and preparing for school tomorrow, we are alone without Daniel My husband and I did not expect to be alone in our house like this, for many years.
Happy gardening, and life does try to go on.



 This is Jody McBrayer    LIVE     The song is:  To Ever Live Without Me

What I Learned from Daniel

Daniel passed in late November, 2008

Daniel, as he was at nine, sitting on his desk before all the computer gear came.

In late November our beloved twelve year old son Daniel died suddenly. The day after a perfect Thanksgiving, he came into our bedroom, tried to con us into getting a cat, then walked into the hall bathroom and died. When we heard him fall, we ran to the bathroom, unlocked it with the pin key, and proceeded to do the best CPR of our lifetime, while our daughter called 911. Daniel had allergies, and so after a minute of CPR, we gave epinephrine, but he was not known to have had anything other that food allergies and asthma, and these were well controlled.
Despite our efforts, the efforts of the sheriff's deputies who were also paramedics, the efforts of our local squad and a university-based helicopter ICU, he never did respond and was pronounced dead later that morning at our farm. A day that began with the thoughts of where we would Christmas shop, by noon had descended into where we would have an autopsy done.    Daniel is our youngest of four children. Like many younger children, he drew much from his three older siblings, two of whom are nearly through college. Daniel was homeschooled, and was a shining example of how much ground can be covered when you combine committed parents with a bright child.  He excelled not only academically, but creatively as well. He created numerous animations and was well on his way to being either an animator or a humorist. His academic skills or creative talents aren't really the measure of an exceptional person though. He is exceptional because he is exceptionally evolved. He is able to read people, to understand their moods and perspectives, and he has true empathy for people and also for animals. He is amazingly articulate. You notice that I am using present tense here, which is quite deliberate. When Daniel passed, he went from energetic bubbling energy to simply gone from his warm body. Energy like that doesn't die, it simply transforms and exists elsewhere, and this is what we believe. Certainly, our love for him remains. We cannot hug him as we so frequently did, but our love reaches all the way from this lowly cold Earth all the way to Heaven where he resides now. This blog is the story of what Daniel taught us when he was with us in life, and what he is teaching us now through dreams, in this very difficult time. As long as Daniel and God cooperates, I will post what we are learning about love, loss, death, adaptation, and ultimately about life here on Earth when your heart now lives, in part, in Heaven. It is our intention to inspire and enlighten as we travel through an electronic memorial to Daniel. We will be as strong as he remembers us to be, as a tribute to him, and also to God who gave us twelve years with one of the most amazing and intelligent human beings we have ever known.



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#SUDC,#SADS,


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