Deep Autumn at Home

My dear Daniel,
As you know from the tears and my heading for bed at 7:11 pm last evening, these days are hard ones. The morning temperatures are what they were when you passed to spirit, and we are very close to your having passed one year ago. I am not really any wiser or better about it than I was a couple of months ago. I miss you and Papa L. more than I can describe, and yet I must continue for you, Dad and everyone else to function, make sense of, and find joy in the life which remains. Most days I do this, and you would be proud, but some days, I am tired and melancholy.
As you know, we are almost finished with your "teen-age room" with the tall built in blonde bookcases, where all your things will go as a guest and remembrance room. The ceiling like a true sky (not a painted one) is taking a little more time, but it will be there ! You certainly did have a lot of things, toys, pictures, sporting equipment,books, dvds, computers, games, etc. and we tended to pack and put away rather than give away many of those things when you outgrew them.
I know you and Dad are here sometimes. I am not sure who dropped the jar of pickles from the top of the frij when I was on the other side of the room with my back to you. I am not sure who tossed the spiral bound notebooks at me while I was filing the paid bills today, but I know that you and Dad check on me. BTW, Thanks for the Amy Grant Christmas music you told me about in a dream. I had no idea she had such a body of work over such a long period of time. Thankyou. I DO like that song, and it plays over and over again in my head.
I love you both so much, and if God is agreeable, we can keep our connection alive always. I will keep an eye out for you both around the house.
Much love,

Your "chocolate hoarding matriarch"

Wisdom from Heaven

Sometimes in the early hours of the morning, when I am deep in REM sleep, I believe that my Dad, or Daniel, and sometimes both of them check on me, and talk to me. Sometimes I am in such a deep sleep that I can only lie there as if deep in anesthesia while they tell me something. (They probably wish I was quieter and a bit more anesthetized when they were here on Earth.) Other times, I am able to formulate a question, sometimes accurately answered by them, and sometimes answered later. I did ask my Dad where the bolt to his rifle was kept, as it wasn't with the rifle, and he did not seem to remember. I am happy to say that this week, it was located, and now is safe and sound.
You may think that I am a sad and pathetic mother who could not manage the simaltaneous passing of her father and her beloved youngest son, or that my own psyche creates or interprets their communications and manifestations. You may think that I was a closet psychic who ignored information given to me, but when my father and my son died, I finally listened to "the ancestors" who had always spoken to me. You might think that our loving Heavenly Father decided to allow limited and loving communication following their passings, to ensure that I complete the tasks assigned to me on Earth and that I remain on the correct path, before I join them someday. I don't really mind which you choose. I post some of these musings because I think it is important to truthfully relate what I know, which is that we do not die. Our souls and consciousness live on. I seek only to validate the similar experiences of others, and then, only if you wish me to.

This week the communications are as follows:

"In Heaven, No Kindness on Earth Has Ever Been Forgotten"

(Dad and Daniel showed this to me on a heavenly bumper sticker)

And

The answer to my question, "What is Heaven Like ?"

"This week it is a lot like Nova Scotia in August" because this is where Dad
and Dan are presently visiting. Coincidentally, this was the home of my father's maternal great grandparents.

And Then There are Dreams

I don't know whether I had this dream because I had recently posted a picture of Daniel as a younger child here, or not, but last night at around 4 am, I dreamt that Daniel came to me looking about six years old. He asked me if I wanted to play a game with him. We both knew as we looked at each other than he was not this age, but we continued anyway. I told him I would love to. He took out a Game boy unit, the kind that was around when he was about 6 or 7, and he sat on my lap and played. I did not know how to play and he tried to teach me. I was grateful for the time spent with me, but this play ended quickly. I don't know yet whether this is a message of some type or simply a way of giving me some extra time doing some things we did not get a chance to do. There will always be things we did not get a chance to do, or things of which we did not do enough.

A Message

On the early morning of April 9, 2009 during a deep sleep, I heard from Daniel. He is concerned that I am blaming myself for not noticing things that may have led to his having brain surgery and saving his life. (If in fact, it was a brain issue at all !) He tells me that he had many headaches, but accepted that these were caused by his allergies and that since he did not like to take anything more than claritin, he didn't report these to me. He asks that I forgive him for this. I told him that certainly I do. He is a kid, and isn't responsible for everything ! I told him I should have done a better job monitoring and that I did not know this. He said there was something else I could do for him. He needs me to forgive myself and accept that this (his passing) was not something we could have changed together. I told him I would try to put this to rest. I expressed concern that his speaking with us and being concerned might be keeping him on a lower plane than he should be, and out of Heaven. I expressed that he deserves to be in Heaven and to be enjoying all that it has to offer. He said that he is there and can communicate from there and that the process of passing and ascending is pretty well automated. (His word) I asked whether he could be in any trouble speaking to us, and he replied that his communication is tolerated.
He said that we had had this conversation before (in a dream) and asked me if I remembered it. I said I did not. He said that he knows what is going on with all of us (our family) here and that he would be here if ever we need him. Then he said he would let me sleep.
When this is happening, I am asleep and I am not hearing words, I am aware that I am asleep and that he is with me and speaking idiomatically to me. Last evening I took no medications whatsoever, and had forgotten my aspirin. I have been having difficulty sleeping. I am not particularly joyous following the interaction. I simply accept that Daniel sent a message and is attempting to comfort and direct me.
You may choose to believe that a grieving mother is looking for a psychologically palatable way of forgiving herself sufficiently to move on. You may believe that I was spoken to by Daniel. I believe that Daniel sent me a message. I am reporting this in the hope that it helps others and validates their similar experiences when they have them.

A Few Odd Happenings

Well I have either lost my mind or grief has taken over. Odd things are happening here and I want to write them down before I forget. I had an odd dream last night. I dreamt vividly that Daniel was here in the bedroom with us in daylight and that he needed resuscitation. I began CPR and at the same time, I was talking on speaker phone to 911. After a short time I detected a heartbeat and then after continuing mouth to mouth, eventually he was breathing, though in a shallow way. I remember telling EMS to hurry and send the helicopter. I also said to them, "Last time he didn't make it, but this time,it's different, he did !" This was strange because it makes no sense. When you can't successfully resuscitate your child in October, you don't get a second chance to be successful in April.
The other thing that happened was yesterday. I was working in the dining room and I heard someone moving around the kitchen, near the stove. It was as if they were making sure the burners were turned completely off. As I walked passed the kitchen I vaguely saw an arm near the stove. Thinking it was Matthew, I walked by. Then I asked Matthew something about lunch and no one answered. I said, "Matt", and looked to see that no one was in the kitchen. I couldn't believe Matt could leave the room that fast, so I called out for him. He answered from the basement. "Were you just in the kitchen?" I asked. "No", he answered. "I've been working on the computer down here."
The last thing is that in the past week I dreamt that someone told me that Stephanie would get a parking ticket, so I told her about this and to be careful about where she parked. This morning she told me that yesterday she received a parking ticket in error. She did have the parking placard which would allow her to park at that location, but she was ticketed anyway.
I am not sure what any of it means or if it is simply how bereaved families process a terrible loss. Could Daniel, knowing how sad my last memory of not being able to resuscitate him successfully is for me, have simply been seeking to give me a successful memory of resuscitation also ? I still know the reality, but have a memory of success also. Is there a message I just don't yet understand ?

"Skittles"

I have always been aware, as a nurse, that many people, following the passing of a loved one, see things that are somehow familiar and in them, believe that the person they have lost is saying hello. Sometimes this takes the form of seeing a particular bird their spouse loved, or a particularly large flower in bloom,a rainbow over a favorite spot, or even a cherished song on the radio. In all, this is pretty normal, and reported fairly often, usually by people who are quite sane. A social scientist might believe that we associate these everyday things with our beloved lost person, and that when we see yellow roses, for example, we naturally think they somehow our lost beloved who loved yellow roses, sent this hint of their living on. I believed this too, until recently.
Since Daniel's sudden passing, a few unusual things have happened. First, there was the dream which I reported to all of you, in which the true cause of his death was revealed by Daniel to our son Matthew. The cause of death was confirmed by pathologists, just days later, who were completing their pathology at the time.
Another thing that has been happening, we refer to here as "The Skittles". We built a new home which was completed about three years ago as so we are quite familiar with the background sounds here, in all four seasons. When Stephanie and I talk to one another, we hear what sounds like M&Ms or Skittles dropping onto the oak floors, one by one. I have heard this a couple of times as I used the computer, but mostly it has occurred when Stephanie and I have been talking. The last time it happened, it was so pronounced, that both she and I said, "alright" and dropped to the floor to look for whatever has been dropping around us. We found nothing. This stopped at about the time I reported this on a listserv I visit for bereaved moms.
After the Skittles stopped, we began to hear the sound of a tennis ball being bounced once in awhile, not regularly, in the room we are in. I have checked closets, bathrooms, decks and porches for what this could be. I wonder if it could be Daniel, just letting us know that he is fine and able,on occasion, just to check on us. Then I think that if someone who had sustained a terrible loss told me this, I would consider them to be showing signs of being just a little bit off the beam as a result of high stress. You may think whatever you would like.


#ADC,#AfterDeathCommunication,#Skittles,#Daniel,