A Different Kind of Christmas

                 

For many, Christmas is not the season it once was.   (Rendering: www.eventbrite.com.au )

 

            Daniel departed like smoke the day after Thanksgiving at the beginning of the Christmas season, now seven years ago.   To anyone who has experienced particularly the sudden loss of a child of someone close, then you know.  We never simply "get over" life's cruelest losses.  We simply find a way to coexist and continue trudging along.

                     Particularly during the holiday season when the holiday music plays that I heard those seven years ago, I recall those first days and weeks without him.    There was no surprise greater than the sudden death of a child who was felt to be well and who had just had a clean physical.    But there were many other surprises afterward.  The first one is that a child who has died can have a perfectly normal autopsy at one of the county's best university medical centers.  Who knew that there are functional issues, particularly with the conduction system of the heart which don't necessarily show up on autopsy.  When such things happen, the detail of the passing, the position of the person, and details about the passing become important in the pathologist's best guess as to what happened.  Sometimes, learning all the things which didn't or couldn't have happened, is no help.  We wish to know what did.

                        Other surprises included the reactions of people we knew and our friends.   Our pediatrician, our allergist, and the cardiologist one of our other family members had were truly wonderful. The helicopter team from the University of Virginia who attended Daniel's code were highly professional and very kind. The sheriff's office was compassionate and professional. Their investigation was as respectful as was possible given the circumstances.   Surprises included the funeral home which handed me the bill for the funeral, two days after my child's death, just before the service. (What was wrong with afterward, or popping the bill in the mail ?)   Other surprises included some of the bizarre if not cruel things ministers of different faiths said in the intervening weeks.  Yes, it's true that a few of them were supportive.  However, am I asking too much for all of them to have some skill or training in bereavement ? After all, everyone dies, and all of us will experience the loss of someone we love in our lifetimes. Why is comforting someone in bereavement so difficult for ministers ?  Nurses navigate this, sometimes with more skill.     Most surprising were the responses of our friends and acquaintances.  Some people with whom we were acquainted, and in some cases that I did not necessary like much, were absolutely wonderful to us.  Anyone who knew the loss of a child or of a sibling went out of their way to send a kind word or to be available to us in some way in those first weeks.  Conversely, some of our closest friends at that time simply couldn't cope with the death of a child they knew, and we lost them forever.

                         We have an entirely new constellation of friends seven years later.  We do have friends we have known for thirty years who weathered Daniel's loss with us.  We also have friends we have acquired from that time or afterward. We also have a surprising number of friends who have lost children.

                          Remember as you navigate this holiday season that over time, most of us experience either an expected or a surprise passing during the Thanksgiving or Christmas season.  As you experience the joy of the season, please remember those families for whom the season is a bit harder.  For some of us, snow is seen as frozen tears, and cold days remind us of days huddled around the kitchen table eating casserole brought by a friend which tastes like our own tears, traced back to a day of loss.   Don't be afraid to include those who have endured a loss.  You can't fix it for them, but just the attempt to include them will help.

              Merry Christmas, my friends.
                        

A Glimpse of Loss

Last night I had a dream that I was working as a nurse at a hospital. There was an acute nursing shortage and there were men there who had trained to be nurses as a secondary career, after the economy had made their original jobs not so lucrative. One of the men had been a detective. While we were working, a number of new medical students (young doctors to be) came onto our floor. They were all Daniel's age. (This must have been the future, perhaps nine or ten years from now, but I was the same age as I am now) Daniel was supposed to have been with them, but he was not, because he is no longer on Earth, and won't have this, and other opportunities. I felt the same deep sorrow and loss as I would have, had I been awake. If I create my own dreams for the most part, then why can't I create dreams with him or potential visits. Why do I instead create moments of sorrow and grief underscoring our loss ?

Every Day Is Notable and Golden

In broad daylight when I have things to do, I am functional. Yesterday, I had to drive to the feed store about 30 miles from here, and stop by the bank. Even with music playing in the car, I was functional. (The contemporary christian station often makes me cry. It seems to play a lot of music with which I have some mental association.) It was a gloriously beautiful day and I couldn't help thinking about the last day I had brought Daniel to this town, also a glorious day though it was in the Fall. I finished my errands pretty quickly and on the 30 mile return trip realized that it was one of those Spring days when everyone has a garage sale. I passed by a number of sales stopping at one church sale which was pretty well finishing when I arrived. The people were pleasant and I bought some lovely framed pictures for very little money. The bright sun was shining and a warm brisk wind was blustering. On the way home passing the tons of daffodils in bloom and fruit trees in flower, I stopped at one more sale. A woman and her husband were selling a variety of things, mostly things I didn't care about. They had collectible cars, collectible swords, knives, tons of vcr tapes and dvds. They also had boxes and boxes of unusual books. Some of them were woodworking, some were about trains, others were about spirituality and some about history. There were also some on the history of American Indians. Since the books were very inexpensive and in excellent condition, I took this opportunity to load up. I was the only one at the sale and the woman began to talk with me. She looked frail and sad. Somehow she began to tell me of certain things in her life, and somehow I began to tell her of Daniel. I don't actually remember how this happened. Before I knew it, I was telling her of the dream Matthew had in which Daniel conveyed his cause of death, and showing her Daniel's picture. I felt awful when it caused the woman to cry big wet tears. On the one hand I felt absolutely compelled to tell her that to my way of thinking, we don't cease to be, and that love never ends. On the other I felt guilty for conveying something which caused the woman to cry. I have no idea what her medical issues are, although I am sure there are some, and I feel some responsibility for stressing her. I hugged her and loaded my books into the car to come home. It's funny that since Daniel passed, every day is notable, special, golden, and in some way relates to him and his time here.

A Few Odd Happenings

Well I have either lost my mind or grief has taken over. Odd things are happening here and I want to write them down before I forget. I had an odd dream last night. I dreamt vividly that Daniel was here in the bedroom with us in daylight and that he needed resuscitation. I began CPR and at the same time, I was talking on speaker phone to 911. After a short time I detected a heartbeat and then after continuing mouth to mouth, eventually he was breathing, though in a shallow way. I remember telling EMS to hurry and send the helicopter. I also said to them, "Last time he didn't make it, but this time,it's different, he did !" This was strange because it makes no sense. When you can't successfully resuscitate your child in October, you don't get a second chance to be successful in April.
The other thing that happened was yesterday. I was working in the dining room and I heard someone moving around the kitchen, near the stove. It was as if they were making sure the burners were turned completely off. As I walked passed the kitchen I vaguely saw an arm near the stove. Thinking it was Matthew, I walked by. Then I asked Matthew something about lunch and no one answered. I said, "Matt", and looked to see that no one was in the kitchen. I couldn't believe Matt could leave the room that fast, so I called out for him. He answered from the basement. "Were you just in the kitchen?" I asked. "No", he answered. "I've been working on the computer down here."
The last thing is that in the past week I dreamt that someone told me that Stephanie would get a parking ticket, so I told her about this and to be careful about where she parked. This morning she told me that yesterday she received a parking ticket in error. She did have the parking placard which would allow her to park at that location, but she was ticketed anyway.
I am not sure what any of it means or if it is simply how bereaved families process a terrible loss. Could Daniel, knowing how sad my last memory of not being able to resuscitate him successfully is for me, have simply been seeking to give me a successful memory of resuscitation also ? I still know the reality, but have a memory of success also. Is there a message I just don't yet understand ?

The Chickens With Daniel

About a year ago, in April, our daughter Stephanie and I were in the feed store buying feed for the animals when we saw a small chick lying flat in the cage with one of its legs extended behind it. The other chicks were pecking at it and it was being trampled. We asked the owner what was going on with the chick and he said that she had a broken leg and that once she died, he would throw the little pullet away. I bought our feed and asked if he could just box up the chick and give it to us. At least it could die in peace without being attacked by the others. We bought a quarters worth of food for it and were on our way. Stephanie named her Chickadee and we placed her at home in a box with a light. Stephanie deserves the credit for most of this as she took wonderful care of the chick, and I simply relocated the leg which eventually turned out to be dislocated rather than broken. Chickadee was very tame and eventually defecated only in one place in the box. Chickadee, who was supposed to have died shortly after we brought her home became a beautiful large snowy hen, and the only person more pleased about this than we were was the shopkeeper.
A couple of weeks later the shopkeeper broke his rule of only selling 6-8 chicks at once and sold us one more chick to keep Chickadee company. The chick was first called Charlotte, and when he grew a comb uncharacteristic of a female, he was renamed Charlemagne.
Charlemagne, an apparent Cornish cross, grew to be the largest rooster I have ever seen anywhere. He was tall and broad, snowy colored and had a very large and tall crimson comb on his head. He was quite intimidating and even our dogs avoided tangling with him. He also crowed very loudly. Daniel enjoyed these chickens very much and when they grew up, Matthew took on primary responsibility for their care, especially since Stephanie was at college.
We were sad to learn that these particular chickens were bred for size and meat and were intended to be slaughtered after only a few months. They were therefore, not the best choices for pets or even for breeding purposes. This was hammered home to us in the heat of summer when Chickadee died suddenly at about five months. Charlemagne was devastated, and so to give him someone to watch over, in the hope that he would remain here on Earth longer, we bought three hens who appear to be Brahma and Rhode Island Red crosses.
Our large rooster Charlemagne, as he heads toward a year old has been slowing down. Daniel bought a new rooster to be housed separately named Ross in order to watch the girls in anticipation of Charlemagne's passing.
On Friday the 13th after a long day of running around the yard, settled in the corner of his cage and passed quietly. We buried him this morning. Chickadee and Charlemagne are once again together, and Daniel now has the chickens he knew first with him.
Charlemagne the Rooster b April 1, 2008 d March 13, 2009


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Things People Do and Say

At his point, the funeral was over, and I think that Daniel would have been amused and pleased with many of the things said. I think he would also have been embarrassed to be the center of attention too. Oddly, we all felt that he somehow knew what was being said. The minister who did the service portion did a wonderful job. He had lost two brothers as a young person and we could all tell that he had thought a great deal about everything he had said. It was a personal testament to the Kingdom of Heaven with biblical references, not a dry, lazy, or hollow sermon.
People are funny. Some of the people I thought were close to us literally, in effect, abandoned us in this time. We just never heard from them after we notified them. Others flew across the country to be here at great personal expense and difficulty. Our neighbors out here in the country, were wonderful. Every one of them came by, some brought food, others a beautifully handwritten card. Some of the people from our internet groups were also terrific. The people at my job were very supportive and many where my husband works were the same. Many people don't know what to say when a family loses a young person. The fact is, there is not much you CAN say other than "I am so sorry for your loss" and "If there is anything I can do". Our daughter who went back to college after Thanksgiving responded, to one of them...."Yes, bring him back". The most inappropriate comments though came from ministers. "You have other children" one said. "Yes, but we are grieving the one we lost" I responded. One minister in my travels told me that Satan had taken our son, not God, because God couldn't possibly have needed him because we need God, he doesn't need us for anything. I told him that if Satan had taken Daniel then there were a myriad of ways that he could have done so, violently, horribly, and with lasting damage to our family. Instead, Daniel was called in a rapid, quiet way without suffering, after an absolutely perfect day. I told him that as of yet, Daniel's autopsy is clean, and that Dan seems to have had a pretty near supernatural passing, which sounds an awful lot like God to me. How strange that a minister would not wish to support a family in their belief that God had called their child for some reason, just as He had given him to them, and that there is purpose for everything God does.
As horrible as this whole event is, we know that God gave us this unusual, loving and brilliant person twelve years ago as a wonderful gift. As deeply saddened as I am, I know that God can call him back at any time. He belongs to God and was only on glorious rental to me. As much as we know this, it still hurts to know that God called him. Was I not doing something God wished me to be doing for him ? Why would He call him so swiftly ?
Most people have been kind and most incredible in this time. Others have said things that were nonsensical if not potentially destructive. The best thing of all came from one of Daniel's friends who hugged me tight at the funeral. I had been doing really well, until he hugged me, and with that tears filled my eyes, and I told him that he hugged just like Daniel. He told me that if ever I needed to feel a Daniel hug, I should just find him. Until we lost Dan, I was not fully aware of how many people Daniel knew and talked to. He was a 12 year old homeschooled student, who talked to everyone from congressmen, former leutenant governors, and governors wives, to children, the elderly and homeless people. Our greatest pain is not just for us, but that Earth has lost a person who may have done great good here, had he been allowed to stay.
I also know from Corinthians I, that Love Never Ends. This is something I did not completely understand until we lost Daniel. Love not ending does not simply mean time. It also means distance. The love we share with Daniel did not disappear or even change form when he passed. It simply stretches to meet him all the way from a lowly Earth to Heaven where I know he feels it. I know that Daniel knows how very much we love him, just as I know how much he loves us. I feel his love and concern and I am grateful to God for sending this beautiful person to us, even for just twelve years. We love you Daniel, and we always will.

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