An Excursion

Today, Adam, (Daniel's oldest brother, and my oldest son, one year younger than our daughter Stephanie) went on a Spring trip to our nearest city, a couple of hours from here, to buy supplies, look at some new hardware for the farm buildings, and have a quick and inexpensive lunch out. It was a glorious day, with warm wind, just a hint of pollen already, and bright sunlight on the highway there. Adam took his truck and drove, and so it was a chance for me to look out the window. It's amazing how much we notice around us when we are not driving, changing lanes, or thinking about what exit is next. Even though we were not doing anything amazing or noteworthy, it was a wonderful day. It was wonderful to hear all of Adam's thoughts, projects under way, and news of all of his friends. It's also always wonderful to know that the children you have raised are decent,intelligent and good people, and that our efforts are never wasted. It also surprizes me sometimes to see how much like Adam is, in some ways physically, to my father when he was in his twenties. For these few hours, it was almost as if, all was well, as if Daniel was at home, and would be there when we returned.
On the way home, we stopped at a garage sale. It is unusual to see one in the country that is not exclusively on a weekend, but these people were moving this week, and wanted to move less than they had. We bought some new cookware in boxes and some other things very reasonably.
I miss Daniel so very much, although I know we all do. Today though, it was as if Daniel was with us also.


Carolyn Arends "Reaching"

A Glimpse of Loss

Last night I had a dream that I was working as a nurse at a hospital. There was an acute nursing shortage and there were men there who had trained to be nurses as a secondary career, after the economy had made their original jobs not so lucrative. One of the men had been a detective. While we were working, a number of new medical students (young doctors to be) came onto our floor. They were all Daniel's age. (This must have been the future, perhaps nine or ten years from now, but I was the same age as I am now) Daniel was supposed to have been with them, but he was not, because he is no longer on Earth, and won't have this, and other opportunities. I felt the same deep sorrow and loss as I would have, had I been awake. If I create my own dreams for the most part, then why can't I create dreams with him or potential visits. Why do I instead create moments of sorrow and grief underscoring our loss ?

A Beautiful Story

Some days are still so very difficult. I try to stay very busy and I try to do whatever Daniel would want me to do. He would unquestionably want me to take care of his animals, his Dad, and also his brothers and sister. Consistent with this plan, I took my son Matthew out driving today so that he can put more time in before getting his license. (My husband and I do not license our kids before 18) I also took my daughter to Charlottesville to several shops that she and I like to visit on occasion. One of those shops is a lovely antique shop where we have bought lovely things in the past often more reasonably than elsewhere.
While we were there the shop owner asked us how we were doing, remembering that Daniel had passed unexpectedly just seven months or so ago. We told her that we were continuing as best we could. One of the ladies who was shopping told us something interesting. She had always been embarrassed when she was a child, by her father's loud Irish tenor voice which he used quite worshipfully in church every Sunday. She used to ask him to quiet down because "everyone could hear" especially when she was a teen. After he died, she was in church one day, and the hymn began, and there it was, she heard his resounding Irish tenor voice belting out the hymn, just as she had always remembered. She believes that her father was sending a message that he is indeed alright. She told us that we could expect one too. I told her that I believe that we already have. I also thanked her for sharing such a beautiful story.
Stephanie and I had a lovely day. We had lunch out, went to some art and framing shops, an antique shop, and ultimately our favorite expensive grocer for a couple of items.
It was a lovely day, though sadly punctuated by the loss of both Farrah Fawcett, an expected passing, and by Michael Jackson, an unexpected one. I have prayed for both of their families.