I Think I Dread the Holidays

Daniel really enjoyed Independence Day. We would buy a large range of fireworks which are surprisingly legal here. We would spray down a large portion of our yard on the farm to avoid fires and sparks. Then, when it gets truly dark, we would set up each firework properly spaced on a piece of plywood. Then one by one, my husband would light them with a gas torch. (It allows fast ignition and you're out of there !) Daniel and the rest of the family would sit on the porch and watch the show.
Earlier in the day we would have grilled hot dogs, hamburgers and had watermelon. We would have chopped lettuce for salad, sliced onion for burgers,and put out cheese, mustard and ketchup. Sometimes we would make homemade cole slaw or potato salad. I think last year we also made chili for the hotdogs. We also had ice tea, soda, and ice cream.
Normally, we would decorate by placing American flags hung from the house at the front and the back, and by hanging flags and ribbons at our gates of the farm.
I think I could go through the motions as I did at Christmas if I believed that Daniel and my Dad were celebrating this, but I am unsure whether US Independence Day is a large widely celebrated holiday in Heaven. Maybe it is. I just know that without the driving force behind the holidays, I don't feel much like doing any of it.
Somehow I celebrated Christmas as it was the first Christmas in Heaven for Daniel and Dad, and somehow got through Easter, Daniel's birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, but I am running out of steam......or should I say gunpowder as this is employed in fireworks ?
Dan I wish you and Papa L. and beautiful summer day with the warm wind blowing. I hope you know how much we love you both. If you were both here I would hug you both very tightly.

Daniel Really Lived in This County

Today while headed for the post office, I stopped at a neighbor's yard sale. I don't need anything, but I love to look, and sometimes I touch base with a neighbor. I hadn't seen these folks in awhile. They own a farm and a rural tow truck business. We like to use them because they are particularly careful and tow everything on a flatbed truck. They are also fairly reasonable, given the costs of today. They will also pick up a car for you if you buy one on Ebay and need it brought here from, say, Massachusetts or something.
The first thing that they asked me is how are we doing and did anyone figure out what happened to Daniel ? I went over the story again, and of course it was disturbing to them that there weren't better answers than that. I didn't think that in the couple of times they had towed something from the area, to our farm that they had ever met Daniel, but I was wrong. The woman described Daniel perfectly both physically and in terms of his personality. She talked about how very articulate and bright he was and how he loved his animals and told her about them. She raises lots of different types of animals also, and so this stuck in her mind.
Daniel, it's amazing to me that someone who lived 12 1/2 years and who spent a lot of time homeschooling, computer gaming, with siblings, and homeschool gatherings, and with farm animals and pets knew so many people and touched so many lives. It was a life well lived and well loved, my son. I am so proud of you, and I always will be. I will try to behave so that you are always proud of me. I love you.

Finding Ways to Remember

Losing a child brings almost an unworkable quandary. One wants to blot out the last hours and the time surrounding the loss, and yet no one can really remember their child completely and fully without coming to terms with our last few minutes together, even if he may have been unaware of them. The time between my last post and now has been spent finding constructive ways to remember.
I remember that he loved our farm animals so I have been lovingly caring for them and helping them with what seems like their own animal grief. Daniel's fifteen year old German Shepherd, Jake, a rescue had a stroke several weeks ago. My time has largely been spent placing chux under the dog, and turning him every two hours during the day and less often at night. The dog has needed hand feeding and assistance with water. I have not had him euthanized as he is still comfortable and still hydrated. He also seems to understand and enjoy the attention. I have told him that when Jesus or Daniel come, that he is free to go with them, and that I will see him again when it is my turn. One evening, about a week ago, Jake's breathing seemed labored. I sat with him for awhile and when I got up briefly, he passed, easily and quietly. I had irrationally thought that I would somehow see Daniel picking up his dog, but of course, I either didn't or missed his brief visit. Jake was buried and had our customary lovely animal funeral on the farm a day later.








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What I Learned from Daniel

Daniel passed in late November, 2008

Daniel, as he was at nine, sitting on his desk before all the computer gear came.

In late November our beloved twelve year old son Daniel died suddenly. The day after a perfect Thanksgiving, he came into our bedroom, tried to con us into getting a cat, then walked into the hall bathroom and died. When we heard him fall, we ran to the bathroom, unlocked it with the pin key, and proceeded to do the best CPR of our lifetime, while our daughter called 911. Daniel had allergies, and so after a minute of CPR, we gave epinephrine, but he was not known to have had anything other that food allergies and asthma, and these were well controlled.
Despite our efforts, the efforts of the sheriff's deputies who were also paramedics, the efforts of our local squad and a university-based helicopter ICU, he never did respond and was pronounced dead later that morning at our farm. A day that began with the thoughts of where we would Christmas shop, by noon had descended into where we would have an autopsy done.    Daniel is our youngest of four children. Like many younger children, he drew much from his three older siblings, two of whom are nearly through college. Daniel was homeschooled, and was a shining example of how much ground can be covered when you combine committed parents with a bright child.  He excelled not only academically, but creatively as well. He created numerous animations and was well on his way to being either an animator or a humorist. His academic skills or creative talents aren't really the measure of an exceptional person though. He is exceptional because he is exceptionally evolved. He is able to read people, to understand their moods and perspectives, and he has true empathy for people and also for animals. He is amazingly articulate. You notice that I am using present tense here, which is quite deliberate. When Daniel passed, he went from energetic bubbling energy to simply gone from his warm body. Energy like that doesn't die, it simply transforms and exists elsewhere, and this is what we believe. Certainly, our love for him remains. We cannot hug him as we so frequently did, but our love reaches all the way from this lowly cold Earth all the way to Heaven where he resides now. This blog is the story of what Daniel taught us when he was with us in life, and what he is teaching us now through dreams, in this very difficult time. As long as Daniel and God cooperates, I will post what we are learning about love, loss, death, adaptation, and ultimately about life here on Earth when your heart now lives, in part, in Heaven. It is our intention to inspire and enlighten as we travel through an electronic memorial to Daniel. We will be as strong as he remembers us to be, as a tribute to him, and also to God who gave us twelve years with one of the most amazing and intelligent human beings we have ever known.



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