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Sunday, November 29, 2009
Yesterday was indeed the first anniversary of Daniel's passing. It was somehow anti-climactic. We live with your physical presence, and my Dad's, being gone from here each day, not just yesterday. This Fall has also been colder than last years at this time, and farther advanced in terms of the leaves being absent from the trees. I think I viscerally grieved much more about three weeks ago when the farm looked as it did the day the helicopter arrived to try to help.
We spent the day all at home, cleaning and getting ready for holidays (no decorations just yet). We are finishing up some projects, and so Adam and I spent some time in Lowe's.
People have been kind. This week, close friends sent a jewellry commemorative of Daniel's passing, which was lovely. We received cards from others, e-mails from others remembering him, and what the day meant. We also received a lovely phone call via cellular to my son from the minister who precided at Daniel's "Celebration of Life". He seemed more somber than I. I don't think people realize that I am together because I deal with this loss from Earth every moment of every day. I cry a bit, every day. I remember Daniel, things he said, things he did, every day, and there is much to remember.
Last night I did not sleep well. Daniel's cat, Tosh, snores. Between my allergy to Tosh, and Tosh's noisy breathing, I tossed and turned. I finally got up, checked e-mail, and went back to sleep around 5 am and had this dream.
I was back a year and a day ago, and Daniel was lying in the bathroom as he was, in one of the shirts I had bought him at the same time I bought him the one he died in, but it was clearly not the same shirt. Daniel was in a different position in the bathroom as I administered CPR. After about 5 minutes of CPR, he woke up, sat up and walked away.
I am ambidextrous and have always found it easy to place IVs and things in people from either side of the bed. However, I have wondered, if Daniel's position in the bathroom, where I administered CPR predominantly left hand down first, resulted in less effective CPR. In the dream last night, I was able to do it right handed predominantly, and it was easier for me. As Daniel walked away, I got the message, "Now you have the memory of having done CPR comfortably and successfully on me. I was gone, when you started. There were no changes you could have made that could have kept me with you, that day. I had torsade-de-pointes, and I could not come back to you. I had to go, but I will be with you always". He walked away barefoot with those beautiful feet I love so much.
This morning, other than the sneezing from having Dan's cat sleep next to us, I am feeling alright. After all, precious, direct and brilliant Daniel, has visited me.