Sunday, May 2, 2010

Wider Than the Oceans and Deeper than the Seas

As we near your birthday, which would be your fourteenth, I think often about how much time it's been since you had to go. I try really hard not to feel sorry for myself or for the rest of our family. I try to see the time we had with you as a gracious gift from God, rather than some type of cosmic failure when you had to go.
Still the nurse in me wonders so many things. I never saw anything that led me to be concerned, but you liked soda. Maybe your love of soda kept your potassium in balance, and on Thanksgiving at friends when you didn't have soda that day, your potassium dropped just enough to allow the excitement to permit dysrhythmia. Perhaps all of these things together, the hormones of adolescence, the excitement of Thanksgiving and then Christmas coming, and also a possible drop in your, potassium without soda that day were convergent factors which had to occur in order for the dysrhythmia and your passing to happen.
I know I should let it go, but there is little else to ponder sometimes.
We are still considering ways to memorialize you, other than the barn used for animal rehab in which you share the dedication with Papa L. I think we will continue to memorialize you in many ways, for the rest of our lives. We are not stuck, and don't feel sorry for us. Just know that we continue here with your memory with us, even though we know you passed from here in November, 2008.
Did you know I still write checks with the year being 2008 ? Maybe parts of me might be stuck after all.
I love you both deeper than the oceans and wider than the seas.

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