Thursday, November 25, 2010

Black Friday

To most, Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving, when stores may finally make sales sufficient to take their books from the red ink of money spent/lost for the year, to the black ink of profitability. For many, it is the high gear marker for the beginning of the Christmas shopping season. I remember, many years ago, when I first heard the term I wondered what would happen to a family who had something really bad happen on a "Black Friday". I wish I hadn't asked.
As most of you know, Daniel had a wonderful Thanksgiving with all of us, at a friend's home, and then came home, had a nice evening, and then the following day, came in to the master bedroom to talk to us and seemed perfectly well and excited about Christmas, and then ate a few cornflakes, then walked into the bathroom and died. For me, Black Friday will always be the day in which Daniel was called home without explanation. It will always be a horrible day for me, no matter how many years removed it is from the event itself. Even now, the moments of having found him, having done CPR while others called the helicopter, etc. etc. plays in my mind again and again, like a horror film. As time goes on, I gain more clarity in the recollection of those moments, not less. In many ways, as much as I keep the train on the rails for my husband, our other children, and our newly adopted one, deep in my soul, I left with Daniel. The focus of my soul will always be in Heaven now. I am simply here assuring the growth, health and happiness of the kids, and making sure estate planning is done properly until I too am called. Many times, I hope it is sooner rather than later. This is not to mean that I would neglect my health, start an unhealthy habit, or fail to get help for an identified medical problem. My life is valuable and was issued by God, but now, I can see a time where releasing my grip on it will be alright with me.
I don't think that any parent who loses a child ever returns to the person they were before. I think it's a question of learning to live with the life which remains, supporting the others you love with their loss as well, and not wishing to disappoint God and your child who has somehow you behave yourself. I just know, that nothing will ever be quite the same, quite as exciting, or even unmarred, ever again.

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