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Saturday, September 17, 2011
Almost Three Years, Daniel
I can almost make it through most days now. Even standing on the edge of what might be an early autumn, significant because this is when I first lost my Dad, and then before I even knew what was happening, lost you suddenly and unexpectedly as well. As you know, I have not been able to return to teaching college. I honestly don't believe that I could stand up there, and go back to what I did when you were still on the Earth. I don't believe that I could stand up there talking about cardiac conduction disorders and the like, knowing that what I described so well, just two weeks before your passing, in my last class before the break, was what is likely to have called you from us. How good could I be at what I do ? I never suspected that you had any kind of a heart rhythm disturbance. I never saw anything.No one did. Almost three years later, I still find the entire thing hard to believe. I wish you had simply been borrowed for your superior intellect and problem solving creativity by a secret governmental agency, or a superior race, leaving us to believe for just a time, that you have passed. Oh how I wish that your "Celebration of Life" (funeral) had been a sham. Yes, I know. You are laughing at me telling me I still watch too much science fiction, and I do. I do it because you are not here to.
I am trying to live and use my life well as both you and my Dad have told me to do in dreams many times, since your passings. Oh, and this week I saw my mom in dreams too, but you likely already know that. I am trying my hand as a radio program host. Your Dad jokes that it should be easy for me because I talk in my sleep, and it should be effortless for me. Yet it's not. It's the acceptance that you are not coming back while I am on Earth, and the acceptance that I must do something to move ahead and earn money, when of course, some days I would rather evaporate and find you. I will do my best with this new venture. Please don't think that because I have a job now that I don't need to hear from you and Dad just as much as I have been. I still need both of you in my life whatever way you find that you can send messages. The support of both of you is invaluable and is priceless. The song below reduces me to the crying little girl I sometimes am. Love you both......wider than the oceans and deeper than all the seas.