The Story of Benjamin

  

Benjamin, at age nine, at 108 pounds of muscle.

    In November of 2006, my beloved Susan, a golden retriever and cocker spaniel mix, passed away after a long fourteen year lifespan.   She was a beautiful girl and was very good with kids.  She was selected by our son Matthew when he was a very small boy, and Susan was six weeks or so.  She successfully fought breast cancer at age seven.  (Yes, dogs have mastectomies too.)   She was a lovely girl who looked just like a  scaled down golden retriever.  She was protective of the kids, and if she thought someone was a danger to me, her diminutive size did not prevent her letting the person know she would defend me.  I will miss her all of my remaining life.
            After Susan's passing, I instinctively knew that this would mark the beginning of a trail of losses, and in fact, it did portend a trail of losses.  I decided that although no animal ever really can replace another, that as a tribute to Susan, I would provide a home to an animal in need, similar to her breed if possible. In our area, absolutely no golden/cocker mixes needed homes, although I did find a woman who was deliberately breeding them, and charging a fortune for them.  On Petfinder, I eventually found a large male golden retriever who was in a pound in a city about two hours from here.  I headed up there to find that pet adoption was not at all a simple matter.  First, although he had been advertised, I needed to wait two weeks to allow his original owners to return to claim him.  It turned out that he was a frequent flyer there.  His owners lived in a small home with a small yard and this large male golden was forever being turned in to the pound by others, as he liked to wander. There was still the possibility that his owners would come to get him in the next couple of weeks.  So I visited him a couple of times, and waited for the day he would be deemed free for adoption.   Secondly, there was another problem.  He was a pedigreed dog who was non-neutered and the laws of that locality prohibited me from taking him unless he could be neutered and microchipped there, before I took him home.   Finally, we arranged for him to be neutered  there.  Lastly, the Perfinder ad had generated a buzz and no less than eleven people wanted this particular dog, despite the fairly high adoption fee.  I was told that they would release him to the person who was there earliest that morning.  They advised me to drive in that evening, and remain there all night in order to be the first.  Normally, I would have let the dog go to someone who lived nearer, but I knew that this dog needed large spaces, and that the suburbanites who lived close by probably couldn't keep him happy or contained.  The afternoon before he was available, I drove in, told them I was there, and that I was prepared to wait all night. I provided them with a letter stating the time I had arrived at the pound, as they had requested.  I got something to eat,  used the pound's bathroom, and sat in my car listening to the radio.   Despite all the bright lights outside the pound, I fell asleep in the reclining seat of my car, at about 10 pm.   I awoke with a start at around 2am.  A man with a van had driven up beside me, and had scotch taped an envelope to their door.   He must be there for another dog, as I am.  Finally, despite the late hour, he spoke with me through my car window.  I wouldn't open the car window very wide and was ready to drive off, if necessary.  It was 2 am and I did not know this man.  Unfortunately, he too was there hoping to get the large male golden retriever, and was not pleased to hear that I had been there since 4:30 pm.  He was a military man and was kind and charming.  We spoke for several hours, about our kids, our spouses, and dogs and under different circumstances, I think our families would have become friends. He tried really hard to convince me that he would take good care of this dog, but alas, he had a  suburban home, with a smaller yard, and I really believed that this big wandering dog belonged on our fifty plus acres, or another farm perhaps even larger.  Also, Daniel really believed that this dog belonged with us, and I didn't want to let him down either.  Eventually, as the sun rose that morning, the man left.  He gave me his e-mail so I could let him know how the dog worked out   (I also think he wanted to get the dog should I take him home and then change my mind.)  By the time the pound reopened, I was desperate to use their bathroom, and they waited even another hour before processing the adoption.  I still had to return to get him in  several days afterward because he needed to be neutered and microchipped.   I picked him up late one afternoon as he was still groggy from anesthesia and drove the two hours back to the farm.
            We called our big behemoth of a dog Benjamin.    He stayed in the laundry room recovering from his neutering for a few days, and then he would be gradually introduced to our other dogs, alpacas, ducks and chickens.  Benjamin was already more than a year old, but he was a giant puppy.  He mouthed everything, an earmark of a dog who was likely separated from his mother before the six week mark.  He chewed everything, and did not seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed.  Daniel adored him.  He was a big lolloping dog, the type of dog who really could lick you to death.  If he jumped up on you, he really could knock you down.   The first thing he did at home, was to extract all of his own stitches.   This necessitated a trip to the highly pricey Veterinary Critical Care Center, which I swear, should have a wing named for our family, or for at least our animals.   They restapled the area, and placed him on an antibiotic.
              I made the right decision to remain in the car all night.  Benjamin loved this farm, our family and especially Daniel.  He has never once attacked a chicken or duck.   He sometimes sneaks away and gets wet and dirty at a nearby farms large pond, but usually he stays very close to us. He has never walked well on a leash.  You don't walk Benjamin. He drags you or you practically fly while he runs.  Eventually I found that a leash was the wrong thing to be using.  He does better with an alpaca lead rope with a knot on the end.   The wandering pup really did find his final home that first day.. I don't think Benjamin understood when Daniel passed.   The other dogs seemed to, but I think Benjamin has always expected him to be back.   Until then, Benjamin is content to play with three huge linked rubber rings that we will throw and he will return to us.  Benjamin remains a gentle and occasionally childlike giant.
               This has been a wetter Spring than normal, and usually when Benjamin gets wet, I don't worry much.  This year, I noticed that Benjamin was spending more time underneath a run-in my husband build for him. (Yes, just like the kind that horses have in fields, and it's a bit like a manger)     Benjamin has a place in the kennel but seldom uses it, preferring instead a life outside.   He also looked sad this week.   On Saturday, my husband and I got a chance to really take a look at him and we were shocked.   Ben is now about eight years old, and usually his fur stays nice and clean with a minimum of bathing and brushing even during molting.   This time, there was matted hair, and when we cut away the matted hair, the remaining wet hair had maggots.   We got out the dog shears we bought new and have never needed to use, only to find that they didn't work !   We decided to cut back his fur and give him a good bath.   This means that without all this hair, Benjamin will have to remain inside, because sunburn could be a problem.   It took two long sessions, but we trimmed back all the hair, cleaned the hot spots, and placed antibiotic powder on the more irritated regions.  He couldn't remain in his section in the kennel because the biting flies, which are terrible this year with all the rain, were still after him there.  He is currently lying on a sponge mattress in our garage, with a fan nearby, and a radio on.  I plan to take him to the vet today to rule out any medical problems which made him vulnerable to the insect attack in the first place.  He could have an infection of some kind, or be newly diabetic which could contribute to such an issue.

Yes, he is a big boy !

                               We're running Benjamin to the vet this morning.  I'll let you know how it goes.



UPDATE:   Benjamin isn't diabetic and doesn't have an obvious infection.  He does, however, have a significant and new allergy at age eight which has made a large section of his back red and raw.  He was sedated and completely shaved, and then the vet and her team scrubbed him with an antibacterial solution.  (I think it was Chlorhexidine)  They shaved him to the point of being pink and very bald !   Then, three hours later he came home with corticosteroids by mouth, a large dose of antibiotics for a number of days, an antihistamine, and he's also taking a probiotic to avoid diarrhea with the antibiotic in the event that it kills off his normal gut flora.   Sweet Benjamin isn't in his kennel, but he is lying on a soft blanket on the concrete floor of the garage, until he is feeling better.  Then it's time for major spoiling !

When Cicadas Attack !

         

These are photographs my daughter took and has appropriately watermarked.

 
  I remember seventeen years ago, this time of year very well.  Daniel had been born in May, and we were adapting to being a family of six.  These were glorious days and he was a very happy baby. I believe I heard about cicadas who were emerging in the national forest that year, but I didn't personally see or hear, even one that year.  It's funny how living in the suburbs can shield us somewhat from some of the cycles of life around us.  This year, seventeen years later, we are here on the farm, surrounded by forests, and Daniel has been to Earth and returned to God, and one of the things he successfully avoided while he was here, are the cicadas.  On this farm it will be impossible to miss them.
               Cicadas in this region are the seventeen year variety.  We first noticed them this year at our daughter's house.  She is also in a forested region.  She has taken some interesting pictures of them.  Cicadas emerge from the ground every seventeen years to a cacophony of noise which sounds like buzzing and clicking.  The noise is a drone at first, and then it becomes so loud in late evening that it is impossible to talk to anyone outside.  One of our sons said it sounds like the backdrop to a horror film just before the insects descend on the human beings.  About ten days later, the cicada noises could be heard at the farm, and if you gazed into the thick dark green areas of the forest, you can see some of them flitting around.  We noticed that the sound gets louder and louder until eventually the cicadas dig holes in the dirt, deposit their eggs and then die leaving sizable insect exoskeletons everywhere.  This process is occurring now at our daughter's home, and I would imagine, we are some days behind.

She has swarms of these she calls, "Swarmageddon"

                This morning, I was mucking the horse stalls, and in the heat, my hair was tied up into a Gibson-girl styled bun on the top of my head. All at once,  there was a loud buzzing and movement on my neck. I instinctively shrieked thinking that anything from a tree frog to a hornet was on my neck !   The horses heard my shriek from their grazing area and whinnied loudly.  "I'm okay", I told them.   Just a big cicada. I knocked it off my neck, and it flew out of the stall and away.  Later, another one flew over to me to investigate what I was doing as I emptied a giant wheelbarrow from the stables to a composted horse manure pile on the edge of a forest.  A number of them seemed to be swarming.  In general I like to know about the cycles of nature. However, this is one creature I will be happy to have gone.  God certainly was wise in not having these particular creatures emerging more often than seventeen years !

       




This is Julia Bentley of "Canadian Please" fame, performing "Love Will Lead You Back" acapella

Remembering the Families Who Have Lost a Loved One, in the Longterm

       

An empty kitchen can feel very empty indeed when people stop calling, and stop coming by.

     For today I'd like to discuss how we treat those who have lost a loved one, particularly a child, in the long run.  Most people who lose a child or a loved one suddenly and deluged with casseroles, relatives staying in their house, both welcome, and not, and a host of neighbors and friends from a local church or two.  This is fine, and to be expected. People need to try to help those who are grieving, just as much sometimes, as we need fellowship, companionship and support ourselves in such a circumstance.   Those who have had a child disappear for some reason, experience a similar course.  At first, churches, local groups, the local police, everyone descend and in a way help to give hope some additional buoyancy.
              However, today I would like to remind you that when a family loses a child to illness, accident, or any manner of unexpected passing that  most people go back to the lives they were living fairly quickly. Most never mention the child who has passed, no matter how much the family who has lost him, would like to hear their recollections of their child. Many people are fearful of mentioning the child who has passed, fearing that they will open old wounds. Most families however, would love to hear how their child made a difference in the world while he or she were here.  Today I want to remind you to be brave enough to mention the loved ones by name to their families. Most of the time they want to mention them. For the few who cannot just now, you will know quickly enough, and then move on in the conversation.
              The second group I wish to mention are those who have had a child abducted, child or young adult or not, and have never heard anything afterward.   This group definitely wants to hear that you too think of their child and wait for his return One family with whom I am in touch told me that no one ever mentions their son, and they were wondering if he ever existed, if anyone other than they, knew him.   I know it can seem like that sometimes.  Be brave my friends, all of you.  Be brave enough to mention the missing, as well as those we know have passed.
            I was thinking a fair bit about this, this week. A six year old drowned in a freak accident while fishing with her grandfather in waters which were more turbulent below than was expected for the area. Several people tried to rescue her, but were unable to, due to powerful underwater currents.  For a time, people will surround the family.  Her school will talk of a memorial for her.  Counselors will come to her school.......and then eventually............nothing.   Let's make sure that we remember this family and those families who have lost a loved one, through sudden death, through disappearance, through kidnapping, or by service to our country.  Remember that a loss of a child for any reason, to their family, is a potent and palpable loss for ever, and ever while they reside on this Earth,  regardless of the faith they may hold.

Carving the Time to Just Be

     

   Once again, we have reached this time of year.  The time after Daniel's birthday in early May, was spent finishing up homeschooling, and readying the farm for Summer, when perhaps the heat and blinding humidity would make it harder to do some things as the year moved on.  In my memories we spent so much time running, and doing.  I spent less time just being, than perhaps I should have.  We always needed to be doing something at break neck speed.  Looking back I don't think this was true of Daniel. More than anyone else I have ever known, I think he really did carve out time for things he wanted to do, and sometimes, just to be.  He loved our animals, and he was good about visiting even when they didn't need anything, just to give them a kind word.
         Daniel, I feel you with me as an important part of my life here. I miss your physical presence here on Earth, but I know that God must call those for whom Heaven must pinch hit, while they are gone.  I send all my love.

They are Still Missing

        

    Please remember that as I start a new Spring without Daniel here, that there are still families who do not know the whereabouts of their beloved young adult child.


                Jonny Dorey,   Ian Burnett,  and Lauren Spierer  remain simply missing without a trace.

Please pray for their families and call the contact numbers in the links below should you know anything about

any of these cases, or have seen one of these people.


Lauren Spierer:

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2011/06/have-you-seen-lauren-spierer.html



http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/10/lauren-spierer-has-also-not-yet-been.html



Ian Burnett:

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/12/ian-burnet-has-been-missing-for-year.html

  http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/01/ian-burnet-remains-missing.html

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/01/no-new-leads-in-ian-burnets.html








In general:     (Blog discusses more than one of these young adults being missing)



 http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/02/updates-on-missing-vcu-students.html

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/10/updates-on-missing-students.html 



Jonny Dorey:



 http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2013/03/jonny-dorey-has-been-missing-for-three.html

 http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2011/05/where-is-jonny-dorey.html

Happy Mother's Day

           I must admit that I did not contemplate Mother's Day a great deal before losing a child.   I didn't need flowers, a dinner, or anything terribly special. I used to enjoy receiving a drawing and a handmade card from my kids, and I still treasure these.  I am pretty happy being treated well year round, and so I didn't really feel the need for a fuss on a particular day. After all, I have my birthday.
           However, after the loss of a child, Mother's Day becomes much more significant, much for painful, and a day to endure.  I can't even watch television without hearing about Shari's Berries, and how Mother's Day would be incomplete without them.   Mother's Day is incomplete.  It is incomplete because I am the Mother Duck in the song Daniel used to sing and shed a tear to, where one of the little ducks doesn't come back.  Of course, in the last verse, all the little ducks come back.   Sometimes our lifetimes seem very long before our little duck comes back.  Sometimes the days, and the days leading up to them, can be very hard. Today is one of those days.
           The little card above was found on the SUDC website.   It's a reminder that Mother's Day might be a happy day for many families, but for many of us, who have lost a child in this lifetime, it is a bittersweet day.
I send love, best wishes, and whatever wishes of happy memories I can to my sisters in grief this week.
Take good care of yourselves and of the children you have remaining on this Earth.


A great song for Mother's Day:   This Amazing Love


And Daniel, I am not sorrowful this Mother's Day.   I carry the joy of the memories of having raised as fantastic a young son as you !    I am so grateful for your having made the trip to Earth to be an important part of this family.

Daniel's Seventeenth Birthday

 

 Cake by: Sweet Treats by Susan: Happy Birthday Cake

  

This was another cake for another Daniel.  I think this would be my pick for my birthday !

   Rather than celebrating your birthday in your absence, on the actual day of your birth, I have taken to celebrating your birthday on your birth week.   I am aware that it makes others who have not lost a son or a daughter in this life, a little uncomfortable.  This is not about them. It is not up to us, or to anyone who is grieving to arrange our lives in a manner which is more palatable to the masses.  The loss of a child is a lifelong grief, and a deeply personal we must adapt as we must.  We have to find the procedures and rituals which comfort ourselves and our families.  We don't really need to please anyone else.
    I realize and accept that Daniel's sudden departure is one of the things which makes me who I am, with both good and bad. I also realize that in some way, constructive or otherwise, I will be grieving his passing from Earth before mine, for the rest of my life here.  Of course it will seem to center on his birthdays which are in the Spring, and the date of his passing, which is in Autumn, and the entire thing will be exposed raw at Christmas, but this is how it is.
    Daniel, I cope by knowing that God had a plan and sent you to Earth to achieve certain things and to understand certain joys while you were here.  All parents hope that their child will enjoy the "entire package" of life, and I was no exception.  I did not understand that you were to be called home, with no notice, that beautiful backlit morning.   I still can't completely believe that this is what happened.
     I look at the week in which your seventeenth birthday is occurring.  How could this be ?  You left Earth at 12 1/2, and on Earth you would have been seventeen.  I try hard to imagine what you would look like now. I know that you would have grown and matured, but I also know that your loving heart and commentaries would not have changed.  I knew who you were, not only at 12, but I knew your soul and it is ageless.
     It never ceases to amaze me how many "Happy Birthday Daniel" cake photographs can be found on the internet, especially at this time of year.   Please know that your family on Earth loves you, and never forgets any of our experiences here with you, and we wish you joy and happiness there, this day and always.

 A Happy Energetic Song "Amen" By Sarah Slean


Happy Birthday Daniel

How to Move Ahead After the Loss of a Child

               I  pay very close attention to the googled phrases which bring readers to this particular blog. Some people want information for school reports on the causes of sudden cardiac death in children and in teens. Others are looking for specific information on some of the people we have profiled periodically who have passed from either Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood, or from a sudden cardiac death of discernible cause on autopsy.  The most fragile of the people who come to this blog are those who have lost a child, often recently. They are lost in the world in those moments and are looking for just a hint of how they can possibly go on. I take helping them, if even in a very small way, as a very important task and as a sacred obligation. This is one of the reasons that I run this blog differently than my other blogs. I am not about snaring lots of members to this blog. It is about sharing thoughts, and comforts to those who desperately need this when they log in here. I know that it is a help to many parents, and that this help is very much a living legacy to Daniel.

          Now I will get to answering your very good question. How do you move ahead following the loss of a child ? First off, as you already know that at the moment of your child's departure from Earth that your life, your spouses life, and that child's sibling's lives changed forever, in a total and in an inexplicable way. Things will never return to exactly as they were before the pivotal passing of a child.  The child is not just missing from the present, but the entire linear progression to his future, and to yours is gone. It can be hard to feel anything but bewilderment.   Secondly, the circumstances surrounding the death of a child will impact the character of the grief you feel, and the length of time it will take to navigate the tallest and rockiest cliffs of that early grief. At first, all parents have guilt mixed with their grief. Sometimes, they believe there is a reason for such guilt, but often there is not. There is just the overlay in your feelings that this child who was given to you, was yours to protect, and if she has died, then somehow you dropped the ball. Of course, we can't stand as the body guard to our children (without turning them into some very strange and paranoid people !) We must let them live their lives and make their way in the world as is age appropriate.  The world, and even within their own bodies may not always be a safe place.  We do our best to protect and to love our children and we all wish for our children to live long lives here, long after we ourselves leave the Earth, but sadly, some of our, no many of our children, here on Earth move ahead to the next life, ahead of us.

        For many of us, the guilt comes first.  Anger is often easier for us to wallow in, than grief and sorrow, and some of us become absorbed with anger or rage, sometimes directed to someone who is, in some way responsible for part or all of what happened to our child.  More often than not, we may blame someone who is in some way related or associated with the passing of our child, but not responsible.  Many parents whose children die blame their child's doctor.  I was fortunate in that I have very clear recollections of Daniel's last physical, and it was quite detailed.  However, neither his physician or I, saw or heard anything worthy of additional exploration.  Sometimes, anger is inappropriate, and we have anger for the death of our child, and no one tangible in order to deliver that anger to.   When anger passes, many of us descend into an abyss of sorrow which I would not wish on anyone on Earth.   ( I would like to say on "my worst enemy" but I don't have one of those.)    The abyss is mind and mood altering and leaves us wondering why we did not evaporate along with our child.   I would imagine that this is the place that most of you dwell when you are up at night, google one of the subjects I have written about here in the last nearly four years, and then log on.   There is no magical prescribed series of activities which lifts this storm.

         Grief is an arduous journey, and it's a lot of work.  There is no specific prescribed path, and the journey and the activities are different for each of us.   In my personal journey, I first needed to make sure that the sudden arrhythmic disorder which had taken Daniel from Earth without a hint, didn't  also afflict one of my other three biological children.  Following a funeral where we didn't know what the cause of death had been, we moved on to an autopsy, which has continued in multiple cities.  Parts of Daniel's body in death have traveled far more than he did in life, an irony which simply leaves me sad.   After the electrophysiologic evaluations of my three other terrified children, came the decision that at least one of them would have a cardiac ablation.  His other medical issues made that eventuality especially frightening.  I was called on to be courageous in the time of life in which I had almost none.
           For a long time, I held it together very well for my husband, for my children and for my friends.  My friends were devastated enough.  How could I make it worse for them, and for Daniel's friends by showing how lost and sorrowful I really was ?   I didn't.   I developed two basic ways to cope, one of them functional, and one, not so much.    In one, I booked myself to be incredibly busy all the time, and always doing something.  I don't think I sat calmly enough to as much as drink a cup of tea for three years.  I was a flurry of activity. I was a wheel that had to continue to spin.   The second way in which I maladapted somewhat was that I realize that I felt that eating properly, or at least attempting to do so, hadn't kept Daniel alive, and so what was the value in it ?   I found myself eating not only whatever I wanted, but for some foods, in the portion not only for me, but in the portion for Daniel as well.   I realize now that I did not adjust the amount of groceries we bought when he passed.  I just ate his portion.  In a sense, he was still here.  Fortunately, for a long time the hyperactivity of my grief compensated for the poor choices.  Eventually though, I gained weight sufficiently to have to diet.
             Other things I did to sustain the activity level that my grief brought to me was

1. Collecting all the pictures ever taken of Daniel, and categorizing them, for a large series of scrapbooks.
2. Going through everything that was in his room. Rather than giving away or donating the items, we designed and built the teenager finished basement bedroom on the same level as his brothers, as he always had wanted.  His siblings painted realistic clouds on the ceiling which seem to drift as genuine clouds do.
3. I collected all the DVDs and movies he had ever watched, and especially those he loved.  This was easier than it sounds as many of them were very reasonable on half.com.   Our family spends time in Daniel's room watching his videos and remembering the times we spent together.
4. I started this blog. It was a place in which it is socially acceptable to talk about Daniel and my feelings, whereas in much of the rest of the world, he passed almost four years ago, and people are uncomfortable when I speak of him.
5. I wrote a book about our experience called What I Learned from Daniel.
6. I started an additional blog in order to bring disaster preparedness to people around the world.
7. I wrote an additional book on disaster preparedness, called Rational Preparedness.
8. My normally frugal self bought a small house by a beach out of the country as I was determined to provide a place for my children to go out of the country, as I felt I had failed in taking Daniel to see all the great sights on this Earth while he was here.
9. I had barns and kennels built for Daniel's animals, as a way of honoring all the animals he had loved so much while he was here.
10. I bought two horses, one a Shetland pony very similar to the one Daniel rode on at the Celtic Festivals we used to attend annually, and another who I realize now, looks a lot like the boy on a horse (Daniel) on the weathervane on top of the cupola on one of those barns.  Daniel would have loved the horses.
11. I left my job as a college instructor, and I don't know if I will ever be back.
12. We adopted a young teen boy to honor the memory of Daniel and provide a home to a boy who would not have had one. (Daniel had always wanted us to do this.)

    And the list continues and is not in order

For each of you, you must find what gives your life and the life of your child meaning.  For some of you it may be activities for fundraising for the illness which took your child from you.  For others it may be grief work, helping others to deal with whatever personal blueprint for grief exists for them. For others it may be working within the community to try to defuse the type of violence which ended your child's life.  Finding our way through our grief is a mammoth personalized journey which each of us must make.  There will be days when the tears must fall, and there will be no avoiding them.  There will be days when the sweetest of your recollections of your child crystallize into perfect memories !  I remember so much about Daniel now, almost four years after his passing.  For almost a year after his passing, I was so grief stricken that I could not access all of our memories together.

        As smarter people than I have said.  Grief is a journey. We cannot avoid it, got around it, above it, or below it. We must go through it.  I chose to be as busy as a one-armed paper hanger to go through the most painful and most acute phases of mine.  There is no magical path, no shortcut.  I can promise you though that as you move through the storm that is grief, that you become better at navigating this storm in time.  For most of us, we began to better function and to begin to derive joy in our lives once again, around the year mark. Until then, it's best not to make any major life decisions, or even to change residences if you can avoid this.
         Personal faith in God and in the hereafter helps a great deal in navigating grief. However, we must accept and admit that regardless of how strong our faith in God is, and our faith that we will be reunited with our child at the end of this life, we are still left with a life in which we will not see our child's facial expressions to our words. We will not see his college graduation, his wedding, his children on this Earth.  Cultivate your faith however you can. Many of us live with this every day.  Know that I pray for you, and your family also.

The Glory- Royal Wood by maplemusicrecordings

(Yes, singing background vocals in this video, is Sarah Slean, who is married to Royal Wood.) 

It's That Time of Year, Once Again

         

    One of the ways I have found to remain interested and engaged in life following your departure, Daniel, is to live life, in a sense, as if you were here.  I think that in a way, living a life that you would have enjoyed or would have enjoyed seeing me enjoy, pleases you.  I believe that somehow you see what I am doing.   Consistent with that way of thinking was my choice to get the two horses, which I will tell a bit more to the blog readers about, in the future.   You always enjoyed the alpacas immensely. The horses are different creatures but also interesting.  They need us to be dominant and in charge, so they don't have to be, but they also have a very clear idea of dominance and who should go first out to the meadow grass as it sits there waiting to be eaten.  I can clearly imagine your taking a lead and walking these creatures out to the meadow, adjusting their halters, and grooming them.  Sometimes, I feel as if you are walking with me, not letting your lack of physical presence prevent you from enjoying this special time with these horses.  I feel my Dad with me also. An accomplished horseman, I remember all he taught me.  Well, almost all. I still managed to let the larger one step of my foot when I was putting opthalmic neosporin on his eyelid. Dad would have been smarter. I feel him watching me as I use a hoof pick and I remember all he said about how easy it is to be kicked by a horse.

              In a short time, it will once again, be your birthday.  You would be 17 years old, early in May.  It would be time to teach you to drive, and you would likely be dating some of the girls who always adored you from the homeschooling group.  Your friends are turning into young men.  My friend Carol's two sons whom you knew have several trucks over at their farm. I am pretty sure the boys are restoring them.
            Oh, I still have the yearning sometimes, the feeling that you should still be here, and that you should not have been called.  I do know that God had a special plan for you, and for the likes of Ben Breedlove, Taylor Dorman, JT Baptista, and Michael White.  He did not waste your lives.  Our Lord had something else, something pivotal that he needed you all to do. I know this, and I know that you are in exceptional company.  I just wish sometimes that you could have stayed with me.
             Happy Birthday, you beautiful young man, who was a creature of light long before you actually physically became a creature of light.

"You're Not Alone" Sarah Slean

Another Teen Dies of Commotio Cordis

        

        On April the eleventh, Taylor Dorman was in school, and it was his sixteenth birthday.  He attended a gymn class in which the class was practicing line drives.  A few moments later, Taylor was accidentally hit in the chest with a softball.  He seemed fine afterward even joking about it.  Twenty minutes later, this was not the case.  Friends asked him if he were alright, and there was no response.  A medical transport helicopter was dispatched to the Southern California Ramona High School.
      CPR was continued, and Taylor is said to have survived long enough to have been admitted to an Intensive Care Unit. However he died not long after.
      Taylor is said to have been a loyal friend. He is remembered as a jovial and fun classmate. He had a lot of friends who will miss him badly.  The medical examiner's office indicates that Taylor experienced a heart rhythm disturbance prior to his death.    Friends say they believe that Taylor was known to have a history of a heart murmur.

His school says he will always be remembered as a very happy person.

  

       Children, teens and adults who collapse immediately or later and die of a heart rhythm disturbance are said to have had something called commotio cordis.   In each heartbeat, we have a vulnerable period called our "t" wave in which anything from a tap on the chest, a fall, or even vomiting can send the heart into a non productive rhythm.  This non-productive rhythm can eventually result in a cardiac arrest, and when it's caused by such a phenomenon, can be very resistant to resuscitation.
       I send my deepest condolences today to the family, and friends, and particularly the mother of Taylor Dorman.  I can relate to your shock, and your emptiness.
        Family and friends had planned to celebrate his sixteenth birthday this weekend, and are devastated that they will be attending his funeral instead.
       As the mother of a child who died who at 12 1/2, died of a cardiac arrest secondary sudden heart rhythm disturbance, without being tapped in the chest, and with no prior cardiac history whatsoever, I can tell you that much more of this happens than is realized.  I'm tired of being told how rare a sudden death in a child or teen from arrhythmia is.   Then why have I met so many ?      It's time to have AEDs at every practice, and it's time to screen all teens with an EKG before 13.   This will not catch every case, and an AED on site will not save every young man or young woman who experiences a sudden cardiac arrest, but we will do better than is being done in the US right now.   If I can spare even one family, the sudden and unexpected loss of a child, then this certainly seems a worthy task.



              

Taylor Dorman, in happy times.

A memorial fund has been established for Taylor Dorman and his family. Those who wish to donate can do so at the Bank of Southern California Ramona branch located at 1315 Main Street by mentioning Taylor's mother, Sue Kohler.

Source: http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local/Taylor-Dorman-Sue-Kohler-Ramona-High-School-Student-Gym-Class--202710891.html#ixzz2RcIG3e6K

Our older posts on commotio cordis can be found at:

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2011/06/what-is-commotio-cordis.html

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2011/06/another-cardiac-related-death-of-child.html


One of the boys mentioned in the post below, Matthew Hammerdorfer, also passed due to commotio cordis, although he was playing rugby.

http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2011/03/sudden-cardiac-arrest-in-children-and.html