Happy Birthday Daniel

Had you remained on Earth, tomorrow would be your fourteenth birthday. I know that where you are now, that you are ageless and that you selected a form which is in your twenties or thereabouts. Still, I live with the memory of my beautiful son who would be fourteen tomorrow and this visceral memory of mine, is quite strong. I love you very much, we all do. Imagine my giving you a long tight birthday hug, you fine man ! We will be buying a cake and we will do some other things which recall your memory, which I will talk about here after the weekend, but I wanted you to know, that we have a little bit of a quandary. Which one of these cakes should we pick for you ? Should we commemorate your playful inner child, or your obvious intelligence and maturity ? Happy Birthday. I know you are a creature of light now, and darling, even on Earth you always were.

Wider Than the Oceans and Deeper than the Seas

As we near your birthday, which would be your fourteenth, I think often about how much time it's been since you had to go. I try really hard not to feel sorry for myself or for the rest of our family. I try to see the time we had with you as a gracious gift from God, rather than some type of cosmic failure when you had to go.
Still the nurse in me wonders so many things. I never saw anything that led me to be concerned, but you liked soda. Maybe your love of soda kept your potassium in balance, and on Thanksgiving at friends when you didn't have soda that day, your potassium dropped just enough to allow the excitement to permit dysrhythmia. Perhaps all of these things together, the hormones of adolescence, the excitement of Thanksgiving and then Christmas coming, and also a possible drop in your, potassium without soda that day were convergent factors which had to occur in order for the dysrhythmia and your passing to happen.
I know I should let it go, but there is little else to ponder sometimes.
We are still considering ways to memorialize you, other than the barn used for animal rehab in which you share the dedication with Papa L. I think we will continue to memorialize you in many ways, for the rest of our lives. We are not stuck, and don't feel sorry for us. Just know that we continue here with your memory with us, even though we know you passed from here in November, 2008.
Did you know I still write checks with the year being 2008 ? Maybe parts of me might be stuck after all.
I love you both deeper than the oceans and wider than the seas.

Where I Imagine You Are

So far my dear son, I don't know much about Heaven other than knowing from so many I trust that it is inexplicably wondrous beyond imagining, not just a new physical place without the constraints of our apparently frail human bodies.
Sometimes as I long for you and Dad, I imagine where you might spend some of your time.
The picture above is where I think you and Dad might summer, in a cottage-y, place near a beautiful sea, with wildlife, peace, and a gentle breeze. I know that men of the universe such as you and Dad would not be content to remain in one place all year. I know that between worship, and work you are doing for God, that you play hard as well in discovering all that the Heavens have in store.
As a limited human myself, I can only imagine the places you might consider home as you take a breath. Know that as you look and check on me, we are thinking of you.
Greetings and love from lower Earth.

The Bicycle

Yesterday I made my usual early Saturday run to Wal-Mart for dog food, general supplies, a phone card for one of my kids, etc. On my return my husband had also gotten up early, and our newest son, James, while shovelling in cereal, said, "Dad's not here. " crunch, crunch. "He took a bicycle to the dump". "Whose bicycle ?" I asked. "I dunno" said James. "Just a small bicycle". I headed for the phone on the off chance that it was Daniel's bicycle. I called my husband twice, whose cellphone is often dead on a Saturday, as the charge only lasts five days. Without saying anything more to J. I headed to the car and drove the long distance, deep to the pine forests where the small local dump for our small rural community is located. I got there, and found Daniel's precious blue bicycle, down deep in a dumpster about 12 feet below the concrete platform, soon to be crushed by the compacter. It looked sad as it lay twisted atop an old metal roof, dented metal cabinets, and another bicycle which looked newer than Daniel's. I asked the attendant if there was any way that I could get the bicycle back, and before I knew it I had told him why and tears were streaming down my face. The gentleman went to quite a bit of trouble to get down to the dumpster below the platform and climb in it, to rescue Daniel's bicycle. By that time, my husband had remembered to plug his phone into the truck and it was charging. I told him that I was at the dump and that my car is too small to bring the bicycle home. He agreed to return and take the bike home.
When I saw him I was enraged. "How could you dump Daniel's bicycle behind my back, when I'm not home, without even asking?". He looked sad. He said, "Daniel never had a bike." "Daniel had three bikes !" I said. "This was the first one, and it had training wheels and I took them off and (our eldest son) Adam and I taught him to ride". This had been no small feat because most of the area around our homes are farms and we have dirt roads or gravel roads, and no blacktop. I was sad when I realized that my husband was telling what he believed to be the truth. When the other kids were born, we both returned to work. We both juggled daycare and schedules, and kid's sick days, but when Daniel was born, David's work schedule intensified, responsibilities to other relatives took a lot of his time. It was also the first time I had been able to essentially remain at home with one of our children from birth, even though I did write articles from time to time. While I did everything with Daniel, including homeschool him and his siblings, David was at work, in a difficult accountable job without a great deal of encouragement. I realized yesterday that while I taught Daniel to balance on that bicycle, and Adam ultimately helped me remove the training wheels, and as Daniel met that milestone, David was seventy miles away, going to meetings, designing systems for buildings etc. and tangling with clients, governmental authorities, and the business owners themselves. His hard work bought me the luxury of being there for Daniel at every turn. It is no wonder that David does not recall Daniel's bikes or that he learned to ride and when. This was a privilege that David bought for me with his labors, and although David did share other important memories with Daniel, this one had been mine alone.
I think it's important to remember that although we all grieve the loss of our family member that we each bring a package of different memories and that we may not have recall or understanding of everything, the way another family member might. I also notice that Daniel likes a lot of DVDs and TV programs that I simply didn't know about, but were well known to all of his siblings.
Best wishes to everyone. I am not sure what to do with the small bike, especially since it's too large to bronze and place on a necklace. A dear friend has since suggested that we hang it as a remembrance high in the barn, as a symbol of a heavenly bicycle.

A Cracked Easter

Daniel and Dad, I am hoping you both had the most wonderful of Easters. I would imagine that Heaven has a wonderful celebration. I apologize for the one we had, or really didn't have, this year. Last year I struggled to have the annual Easter Egg Hunt that Daniel, in particular loved so much. I very much wanted him to see that we would proceed as he would want. This year, we are consumed with taking care of Mark, our dear canine friend, who needs turning, feeding, watering, all by hand. We would euthanize him if he were in pain, but he still wishes to eat and drink and is still joyous when he sees us, and so no matter how time consuming the work of caring for him, he is deserving. I also was sick the day before and lost valuable planning time. This year I had planned to fill the eggs with quarters, or different wrapped candies. The extreme heat (82 today) would have made the chocolate a disaster, and so we will have the egg hunt on another day. I think of you both all the time. Most days I function well and you both would be pleased, but there are days like today where I just miss you, and nothing else much matters. Please tell Jesus that Mark is almost ready to be called. I love you both so very much.

Monarch of the Glen

In 2005, our daughter Stephanie brought home a DVD from the library. It was the first season of the "Monarch of the Glen" television series, produced by Ecosse Films and BBC and set in Scotland. Daniel and I particularly were captivated by the cinematography, by the family oriented storylines, and we were quickly hooked. One by one, we either bought or borrowed each of the DVDs as were available to that point. We later learned that the final season of Monarch was in production, and that all of the props were going to be sold nearby the site of filming near Lagganmore in Scotland. Daniel was excited as I contacted the prop master and bought a few things. Shortly after I made contact with another person who went to the sale in Scotland and who bought a great deal, and I bought a considerable number of souvenirs from him which grace our home now. We also have a large collection of drawings, plans, continuity pictures, stationery, checkbooks, mail, etc. and likely have the largest "Monarch" memorabilia collection outside the UK. This was all to be Daniel's someday, souvenirs of his favorite program, collected through dumb luck and happy accident.
The Monarch of the Glen, Series 1-7 are available as BBC DVDs now. (Season 8 will be available shortly) Daniel absolutely loved these, and in an odd way, we began to feel as if the characters were actual family of ours. We were often reminded of our UK family members while watching the program. Strangely, when Daniel passed, I wanted to let all of the characters know. I somehow expected that they would all come and comfort us, and that somehow they knew that Daniel was their biggest fan. This is how very good the series were. They convinced us not only that they were a family, but they endeared us to them sufficiently that we left thinking they were OUR family as well. We wish all the crew, cameramen, series score composer, writers, producers, actors, propmasters, and continuity people best wishes as they move on to other projects. Thank you all for so many hours of enjoyment,on behalf of Daniel, myself and the rest of our family.






Update:       February 22, 2015

      For those of you with a deep and abiding love of this series, it was filmed at Ardverikie Castle in Scotland.

This is how it might look today.

How you might stay at  the Ardverikie Estate


 These are posts to this blog which I wrote later than this first one which relate in some way to the Monarch of the Glen series.

 http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2013/02/richard-briers-will-be-missed.html

 http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2012/01/dawn-steele-welcomes-daughter-coco.html

 http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2011/11/dawn-steele-is-due-anytime.html

 http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2011/06/simon-brint.html

 http://learnedfromdaniel.blogspot.com/2009/09/things-i-remember-that-daniel-loved.html

A Recollection

This week I had to take our Jack Russell, Rosheen, to the vet for a 3 year rabies vaccine. James and I loaded the car and took her. I realized when I was cued by the smell of veterinary disinfectant there, that the last time I bad been there with Ro was on November 14, 2008, about two weeks before Daniel's passing. I remember the day well. Matthew and I took Ro to the vet, and it was the very first time that Daniel stayed alone in the house at 12 1/2. Daniel wanted to get some schoolwork done and work on his computer. We knew he was ready for this. He had the cell phone and both my husbands and my numbers programmed in. He also had the landline, etc. I realized while at the vet that I WOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT DANIEL ALONE IN THE HOUSE IF I HAD EVEN REMOTELY SUSPECTED THAT ANYTHING COULD BE WRONG WITH HIM. How could he have passed just two weeks later, with no clear cause ?
Interestingly, time without us there seemed longer than he he thought, and although we were right on schedule because we were bringing him lunch, he called my husband with concerns that perhaps we had broken down in the older car we keep just to transport dogs and other animals to the vet when needed.
I miss him so very much.

Heavy Rains

Some days it still surprizes me that the sun still shines. It still snows and people still go to work. I try really hard to keep life flowing and moving in a positive direction, since I am very cognizant that my children and my husband really do look to me to set the tone with regard to our grieving. Although each person grieves differently and on a different timetable. I know that when I grieve openly, they do too and they do not function as well.
This week has been one of the hardest. I have really enjoyed having James with us, but in a sense, it opens the wound. I am very much reminded of how much we lost with Daniel's untimely passing. It makes me sad that James and Daniel have not had an opportunity to know each other here on Earth. Secondly, I had a couple of routine doctor's appointments this week and seeing them again and having them ask how I am doing induced me to answer and actually tell the truth. Lastly, I took James to a new pediatrician (better parking and hopefully fewer docs in the practice) When he told me a baseline EKG for an adolescent boy on medications was unnecessary, I wanted to punch him. Instead, I said, "Oh really ? Are you aware that both Spain and Italy do routine EKGs on all adolescents while assessing for long qt syndrome ?" I continued, "I watched my 12 year old son die in front of me, as I did CPR. I am told that it is long qt syndrome which caused this". Suffice it to say that James will be getting a baseline EKG.
The rains are heavy and there is intermittent flooding on the rural roads. The dark, cold and rainy outdoors pretty much reflect my mood.

I Miss the Flowing Water

The Winter has been a hard one. From the moment we returned with James we have been deluged by cold and by one snowstorm after another. It has been helpful to have another set of hands to help with the animals as there is so much more work in cold weather than in the moderate variety.
Our black lab Mark continues to hang in. We still have him in the barn in a pillow and chux lined plastic dog house, where we can remove the lid to turn him, cover him with blankets and feed and water him. Caring for him is labor intensive because he has meds, and must be hand fed and watered. Other than that, he hangs in. His front legs and head are moving well but those back legs are still not able to balance or bear weight. He is occasionally incontinent, but we have his food and water on a schedule, and so we can change him and keep him clean also on a schedule. He looks terrific, and we have the greatest LOOKING dying dog anywhere. The vet still says that as long as he's eating, drinking, and enjoying his life without pain that there is no reason to euthanize him. How strange that some of our loved ones and our pets evaporate from our midst so quickly, and others hang on beyond what seems rational or sometimes even possible.
I hope snowless flowing waterfalls return soon. I am tired of the cold, the ice, and the snow.

The Open Letter

My pumpkin,
So much has happened since our last post to you and to this blog. As you know, we picked up James, and brought him home. It's very strange because although he is older than you were, in some ways we are reminded of you and of things you liked to do. He likes Pokemon, Bionicles, television, Family Guy, and sweets etc. Of course, in other ways, he is vastly different than you. Of course, you had our love absolutely and completely all of your life, and he never has. Despite this, he is remarkably resilient in many ways. He also has your penchant for telling the God's honest truth, although I think you did it more tactfully, and this makes me think that when you had to leave, that you somehow selected him to come to us. Like any adoption, there are challenges, but as God holds tight to you and takes care of anything you might need, we will try to do the same for James.
Your room downstairs is beautiful, and we keep your things as remembrances. We do occasionally borrow some of your DVDs, but there are name stickers on them, so they are returned......Oh, and you are right, some of Southpark is indeed brilliant satire. I never really paid attention to it until you passed, and I am sorry for that.
Mark (for other readers, our elderly black lab) is still eating and drinking, but is preparing to join you both soon. For all the illnesses that poor dog has weathered, he certainly is the "Energizer Doggie".
I hope you and Papa L. are enjoying Heaven, yet can see all that we are doing here, in remembrance of you both. I love you both wider than the oceans and deeper than the seas.