Not the Miracle I Wanted

This has been a fragile week in general. It's been seven months since Daniel's passing, and the birthweek of one of our beloved parents who've passed. Living has felt a bit like being left back a grade when everyone else has moved on to a new school with a pond and a pool.
Last evening, the local news had a story which reduced me to tears. A man in his forties with a wife and two children 12 and 13, had chest pain. He did the right thing and called 911. The ambulance came and took him to the hospital. He was in the ER and was answering questions pretty well, when he had a cardiac arrest. The arrest was so rapid that his family was with him. He was shocked numerous times as the code continued, while his wife continued to say things like, "Please don't leave me. We need you" etc. etc. The physician and nurses believed that the man was likely gone, but with the family there, they continued, feeling somehow unfinished. Finally, to their amazement, there was a weak pulse. The man was furthur stabilized, and sent for immediate angioplasty which revealed a 100% occlusion of one of his coronary arteries. This was repaired. The man remained in a coma for five days until he awoke, remembering nothing of the ordeal and feeling pretty alert and aware. Two months later, he has been cleared to return to work.
The news portrayed this as a true miracle. As a former critical care nurse I know that some of the intravenous medications used in a code take time to work, and that this may not be as miraculous as is being touted, although it may be.
I cried when I heard the story. I was not jealous per se, but I wondered why this man was spared and allowed to return to his family, and why we coded Daniel from 8:25 am, first me, then the EMT/sheriffs, then the squad and quickly the helicopter ICU staff, and we never ever detected a faint pulse, a breath or anything.Daniel was pronounced dead in our home, just before 11 am, although I believe that he truly died at 8:25 am that morning. I felt foolish for working diligently to save Daniel, rather than falling to my knees and simply begging for his life. I did not beg for Daniel's life. I prayed as I did CPR asking for the strength to do what I needed to, and for God to take care of Daniel, whatever that meant. I KNEW that Daniel belonged to God, and that he always had and always would. I just would have preferred to have been telling about the miracle which spared Daniel. I wish the man and his family well. I just wish we could have been telling a similar story.

Greetings from Dairy Queen

Dear Daniel,
I headed to Richmond to do some banking today, and although I have been dieting, I decided to stop in at the Dairy Queen on the way back for a small chocolate cone. As you might know, none of us have been there since you passed.
As I went up to the counter, I could not help remember going there when you were four or five and your asking for "a vanilla cone with a chocolate forcefield". When the young woman took my order she said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in here in months !" I told her of your passing. She sent her condolences to me and to the rest of the family, and was really surprized that you were only 12 1/2. She said you were so tall, well behaved and much more mature than 12 1/2. She is the young woman with the chocolate skin and very straight teeth. She is very clear on Heaven being the real world and the world we are in just being a schoolyard. She said that God must have thought you didn't need anymore lessons here. You were just a Honor student !
I ate my chocolate cone on the way out and thought of how much I love you and Papa L.
Much love, Mom

Not Even Close

Before Daniel passed, I will admit that I almost never took even a passing glance at the obituaries. Being listed in the paper is what you did if you had a very old family member who passed, so that their family and friends knew, and also as a legal notice. When Daniel passed and the obituary appeared not only in the local paper but the state capital regional paper as well, I was shocked at how many people read it, knew or contacted us. It was comforting. I couldn't even as much as go into a bank without someone saying, "I am so sorry for your loss, Mrs. XXXX" Now when I look at the paper, I never miss glancing if not reading the obituaries. It seems to me that if the families are suffering the loss of their loved one, then the least I can do, is read about it and say a silent prayer for the family and the person who has passed.
Today when I read the local paper which included the obituaries. Today, there was the obituary for the nineteen year old young man whose funeral we attended this week. In the paper there was a 27 year old man who's died, a number of people in their forties, a man of 52, and a 28 year old woman.
Sometimes I just wonder how God leaves some people here through one hundred and calls others before they have raised their children, or even grown. I don't understand. Today I am grieving my beautiful Daniel who would have wanted nothing more than a hot dog and to watch the fireworks this evening. This was a favorite activity of his. It seems to me that missing my father is an adjustment I have been preparing for all of my life, and somehow I am managing. I am not understanding why Daniel was called home, and I don't know when I will understand. I try to understand and accept, but right now, I'm not even close.

Dinosaurs Found in Australia

Dearest Daniel,
The way I see it, one of my jobs as a remaining representative of yours on Earth is to keep up and inform you of new developments. I know that in Heaven, you CAN know what is going on, on the Earth, but I'm betting that you direct your attention to the more important ones, that I likely know little about. Here is one you might have missed. It seems as if Australian paleontologists have unearthed three new dinosaur species. As you know, being an officionado of things dinosaur, this is quite spectacular, as Australia had not been known as a "holy grail" site for these creatures. The fossilized remains of these features were located in a billabong, or small lake in Queensland. The first is something called a therapod, the Australian answer to a velociraptor, which you know is a meat eating predator. The other two are classed as sauropods. All were located in a 98 million year old site near the outback town of Winton. Interestingly, this is the town in which Banjo Patterson wrote the song "Waltzing Matilda" in 1885.
These findings have sparked major paleontological interest in the Australian outback which is felt now to have untold treasures for those interested in dinosaurs.
Perhaps you and Papa L can take a look.
We are doing our best without you both. We miss your physical presences immensely. I do know that both of you visit at times, and I am most appreciative of this.
I send love wider than the oceans and deeper than the seas to you both. Of course, Dad, Stephanie, Adam and Matthew and all of the animals send their love too.

PS/ Are one or both of you the reasons for the strange happenings with the phones lately ?

I Think I Dread the Holidays

Daniel really enjoyed Independence Day. We would buy a large range of fireworks which are surprisingly legal here. We would spray down a large portion of our yard on the farm to avoid fires and sparks. Then, when it gets truly dark, we would set up each firework properly spaced on a piece of plywood. Then one by one, my husband would light them with a gas torch. (It allows fast ignition and you're out of there !) Daniel and the rest of the family would sit on the porch and watch the show.
Earlier in the day we would have grilled hot dogs, hamburgers and had watermelon. We would have chopped lettuce for salad, sliced onion for burgers,and put out cheese, mustard and ketchup. Sometimes we would make homemade cole slaw or potato salad. I think last year we also made chili for the hotdogs. We also had ice tea, soda, and ice cream.
Normally, we would decorate by placing American flags hung from the house at the front and the back, and by hanging flags and ribbons at our gates of the farm.
I think I could go through the motions as I did at Christmas if I believed that Daniel and my Dad were celebrating this, but I am unsure whether US Independence Day is a large widely celebrated holiday in Heaven. Maybe it is. I just know that without the driving force behind the holidays, I don't feel much like doing any of it.
Somehow I celebrated Christmas as it was the first Christmas in Heaven for Daniel and Dad, and somehow got through Easter, Daniel's birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, but I am running out of steam......or should I say gunpowder as this is employed in fireworks ?
Dan I wish you and Papa L. and beautiful summer day with the warm wind blowing. I hope you know how much we love you both. If you were both here I would hug you both very tightly.

The First Funeral Since

Our daughter Stephanie has a job she has had all through college. She is very fond of many of the ladies who work there. This week, one of my daughter's friends at work lost her grandson. Her grandson Tim was about 22, and for some reason, likely a car breakdown, ran across the interstate highway in broad daylight. Sadly, he was hit by a car and killed instantly.
Since everyone where Stephanie worked was so supportive and came to Daniel's funeral, (or the "Celebration of his Life" as we called it) I felt it was really important for at least Stephanie and I to attend this one as well. This would be the first funeral any of us had attended since Daniel's passing, if of course you do not count the funeral we had on the farm for Daniel's 15 year old German Shepherd Jake, who passed this winter. Attending this funeral was going to be harder than we thought.
The visitation was held at the very same funeral home in which Daniel's funeral occured, seven months ago. In addition, many of the same people attended. I also wore a similar dress and shoes. It was different in a number of ways though. First of all, when we entered, there was no board stating that the funeral was for Daniel. Instead, there was a name I did not know. Secondly, the woman who looked totally in shock and whose friends were there to comfort her, was not me. It was very cold both outside and in the funeral home when we had Daniel's funeral, but this time, it was hot both outside and inside. The casket, which looked just like the one we chose, was draped differently, with a fishing pole, and a sign which said, "Gone Fishin'". There were also two well done picture collages of their lovely son at both ends of the room. He had many friends and a sister who resembled him. He had been a gorgeous boy. Stephanie's friend, his grandmother seemed happy we'd come.
The funeral directors were very gracious to Stephanie and I, as they remembered us well. At least six times we saw friends who said, "We've GOT to stop meeting like this". Somehow it seemed longer than seven months ago, and sometimes it seems like yesterday, but it's never ok.
I did have a chance to talk to the young man's mother. I told her who I was, and I told her about losing Daniel seven months ago. She was concerned about ME. I told her that God would always be there with her, and that her son would find a way to tell her that he is ok, still aware,and home safe in a manner that she will understand and in a way only he would do. She replied that she thought he was there at the funeral at that moment.
I did also hear from Daniel, but very briefly when he made a joke about one of the funeral directors.
Afterward, I took Stephanie to Daniel's favorite music cafe where we listened to live music and had a drink. (I'm afraid it's diet soda with my juvenile diabetic daughter and myself.) Daniel wasn't there. I could not feel him there. He must have had better things to do in Heaven.
Today, it is seven months to the day since Daniel's departure and about eight months from my father's. I miss them both immensely, we all do. I am so sad when I think that this journey is just beginning for another mother and for another family.

A Beautiful Story

Some days are still so very difficult. I try to stay very busy and I try to do whatever Daniel would want me to do. He would unquestionably want me to take care of his animals, his Dad, and also his brothers and sister. Consistent with this plan, I took my son Matthew out driving today so that he can put more time in before getting his license. (My husband and I do not license our kids before 18) I also took my daughter to Charlottesville to several shops that she and I like to visit on occasion. One of those shops is a lovely antique shop where we have bought lovely things in the past often more reasonably than elsewhere.
While we were there the shop owner asked us how we were doing, remembering that Daniel had passed unexpectedly just seven months or so ago. We told her that we were continuing as best we could. One of the ladies who was shopping told us something interesting. She had always been embarrassed when she was a child, by her father's loud Irish tenor voice which he used quite worshipfully in church every Sunday. She used to ask him to quiet down because "everyone could hear" especially when she was a teen. After he died, she was in church one day, and the hymn began, and there it was, she heard his resounding Irish tenor voice belting out the hymn, just as she had always remembered. She believes that her father was sending a message that he is indeed alright. She told us that we could expect one too. I told her that I believe that we already have. I also thanked her for sharing such a beautiful story.
Stephanie and I had a lovely day. We had lunch out, went to some art and framing shops, an antique shop, and ultimately our favorite expensive grocer for a couple of items.
It was a lovely day, though sadly punctuated by the loss of both Farrah Fawcett, an expected passing, and by Michael Jackson, an unexpected one. I have prayed for both of their families.

Daniel Really Lived in This County

Today while headed for the post office, I stopped at a neighbor's yard sale. I don't need anything, but I love to look, and sometimes I touch base with a neighbor. I hadn't seen these folks in awhile. They own a farm and a rural tow truck business. We like to use them because they are particularly careful and tow everything on a flatbed truck. They are also fairly reasonable, given the costs of today. They will also pick up a car for you if you buy one on Ebay and need it brought here from, say, Massachusetts or something.
The first thing that they asked me is how are we doing and did anyone figure out what happened to Daniel ? I went over the story again, and of course it was disturbing to them that there weren't better answers than that. I didn't think that in the couple of times they had towed something from the area, to our farm that they had ever met Daniel, but I was wrong. The woman described Daniel perfectly both physically and in terms of his personality. She talked about how very articulate and bright he was and how he loved his animals and told her about them. She raises lots of different types of animals also, and so this stuck in her mind.
Daniel, it's amazing to me that someone who lived 12 1/2 years and who spent a lot of time homeschooling, computer gaming, with siblings, and homeschool gatherings, and with farm animals and pets knew so many people and touched so many lives. It was a life well lived and well loved, my son. I am so proud of you, and I always will be. I will try to behave so that you are always proud of me. I love you.

Little "Tosh"

As you may remember, the last thing Daniel and I spoke about before his passing was a cat. We spent the prior day, Thanksgiving with my eldest son Adam's fiancee and her family, and they had a remarkable cat named MacIntosh, which they call Mackie. Mackie had been rescued by Adam's fiancee's sister and myself from the inner workings of a new car at the Post Office. I had been unsuccessful and Adam came with tools and the owner of the car was gracious enough to let him remove and reattach parts in order to save the little cat. Despite his cat allergy, Daniel became quite attached to MacIntosh and took Claritin in order to play with him. Of course, I had to turn down Daniel's request for his own cat. He accepted this, due to his allergies, and a moment later, he went into the bathroom, and passed away.
Yes, those of you who attended Daniel's "Celebration of Life" saw a cat in a carrier politely and seriously enduring his funeral, and that was MacIntosh.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend of Daniel's and mine, gave us a kitten. It is a cat that resembles MacIntosh a great deal. This cat will be raised as "Daniel's cat" and will be loved and cared for. Eventually, when his full life is complete, he will pass and become Daniel's very own cat. Meanwhile, "Daniel's cat" is bringing great joy here. He is named MacIntosh II, or "Tosh" for short. This cat is similar, though not identical to MacIntosh the First in appearance, and I think is a bit more active and perhaps more of a mouser.

There are Days

There are days when I am glad he is spared things like a "first break up",
or losing a job, or not getting into a college he wanted to. I am relieved on
his behalf that he will never pay exorbitant car insurance,have a serious car
accident, know the pain of a divorce, lose a child to stillbirth, miscarriage,
lose his faith for a time, or the loss of a child afterward. He will never race
a child to a hospital emergency room, just praying that child will survive in
true desperation. Most days though, I am so sorry that he won't eat those
wonderful birthday cakes that were to come, get a college scholarship, marry a
sweet Japanese girl who follows him and thinks he's the brightest man on Earth,and
have her gently feed him wedding cake at their wedding, or buy his first home.
But what do I know ? In terms of the entire world, there are many people Daniel's age who pass to Heaven. Maybe eventually, he will find a love more heavenly than ever could have been possible on Earth. Who knows what joys our Heavenly Father has reserved for him, and for all of our sons,daughters, or any other beloved ones who departed from us early?
Maybe some of those babies who die from abuse here on Earth, are raised by
someone like Daniel, whose love and compassion were even unlimited when he was
here. In the grand scheme of things, I am just a toddler in God's world. I am
learning and walking, and crying with a limited understanding of the world
around me, but most especially of the the world to come.